21/12/03 3:24 AM
trojanman2092: is this averal levine

You know, i probably shouldn’t encourage the fact that i *might* be Avril Lavigne on my AIM info. But hey, it amuses me.

Since this is post up crap that’s old day, i just realized that i actually sort of reposted that Jeanne story without even realizing that i’d done that before. Albeit it was a whole lot meatier and it included a story about this psycho stalker i once had which i was telling Nikki about earlier tonight. Oh i went out with ‘the girls’ again tonight for dinner. Then the four of us hung out at my place for a bit.

Nikki looked good (as usual)*.

Anyhow, speaking of psychos, i once had a psycho girlfriend. She was one of the new hot chicks at school that semester and pretty much every guy in school had their eye on her. I thought she was pretty cute (it also helped that she had breasts the size of Australia but that’s beside the point. she was cute. and that’s what i thought initially before the fact that she had breasts the size of Australia, which again is beside the point). I think it was just around Valentine’s Day and the social council (which i was a part of.. which is rather ironic because i’m anything BUT social..) was having this Valentine’s Day thing where you could buy a rose with some candy or something and have it delivered to whoever it was you wanted it all sent to (anonymously or not) via special delivery people in school.

I figured, what the hell, i’m gonna give her TWO roses (and some candy) and write her a little note saying “I think you’re cute. And that you have a nice smile” (or something really gay like that).

But naturally, i wasn’t the only one who had that idea and she probably got like 20+ roses that day from other guys who wanted to get into her pants (see, i just thought she was cute). And i figured (since this is ME we’re talking about), she probably didn’t even know that i even existed and probably wouldn’t even give two shits about my gay card and TWO roses (and candy). But hey, what can ya do.

So a coupla days later, i’m like in the learning center fucking around online in the computer room and Ben comes in and tells me that there’s this chick that has a crush on me. I’m like, “Yeah right. Who?” and then he’s like “_____ (the girl i’d just given the TWO roses [and candy] and gay card to. she and ben knew each other)”. I’m like, “HA! WHATEVER MAN”. And just as i was saying that, SHE walks into the computer room and she starts talking to me. Ben’s like all fucking smiling and shit and he leaves while saying “Don’t do anything i wouldn’t do”. Or maybe it was something a bit more perverse that that. It’s fucking Ben Ng after all.

Anyhow, so she’s like thanking me for the TWO roses and candy that i gave her and i think she was like telling me that she liked me or something after that. Or something about how she could tell that i was ‘different’ and ‘not like all the other guys’ (which is probably why she ‘chose me'[?]). And frankly i wasn’t even expecting that at all, for her to even come up to me much less even have a crush on me. So anyhow, we talked for a bit and long story short, we started e-mailing each other through the school’s internal e-mail network thing (Groupwise or some shit). It didn’t take long before we made it official. Maybe 3 days after we had initially met face to face. I asked her out that one day after school near this one out-of-the-way stairwell. And we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Holy crap that was cheesy.

ANYHOW, point is. We only went out for 2 weeks. Which sort of kind of sounds like a lot (but isn’t really, i mean come on, fucking TWO weeks) but IN REALITY, it was probably more like 9 hours.

Let me explain. I went out with her for 2 weeks. That’s 14 days.

I ONLY saw her at school during lunch (1 hour) and break (15 minutes).

And a school week is like 5 days.

PLUS she was sick for like 3 days that next week so i only saw her 2 days then.

That’s like what. 7 days? Multiplied by 75 minutes. Equals 8.75 hours. Rounded off to:

9 hours.

Her reason for wanting to break up? BECAUSE I WAS ‘SUFFOCATING’ HER.

How can ANYONE be suffocated by someone in 9 hours?? 9 hours! And shit, it wasn’t even like we spoke on the phone all the time! I think i only ever called her up like twice! For about half an hour at a time! How in the WORLD is that suffocating??

But that’s not the worst of it. See, okay, she seemed like a pretty nice girl when i first got to know her. Pretty normal. Pretty cute. Then she started showing signs of just. plain. weirdness. Telling me that she could read minds. And that she knew what i was thinking about all the time. And all sorts of weird crap that i can’t remember right now. Fuck. Let me go into my archives to refresh my memory (told you this was old recycled stuff).

Okay. Some of the e-mails she sent me. Observe.

This was her FIRST e-mail to me. I bolded the questionable parts. And added my own comments throughout in bolded parenthesis.

Subject: hey….
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2000 20:42:05 PST

Hey you,

It’s okay…Foul ups tend to happen. I saw yur webpage. Umm…..Yeah.The words ‘interesting’ and ‘well presented’ come to mind…

You should come and talk to me you know. I don’t bite.Seriously.Well, actually I might bite if I don’t like you, but I’ll try to restrain myself. I promise.

Did you know I’m the tooth fairy? Yeah. I was supposed to be Death’s apprentice, but people kept mistaking me for the tooth fairy, so I changed departments. Those people can be so cruel. Do you know why your two front teeth usually come out at the same time? It’s because one big tooth is $2.50. And I don’t carry change. So I have pull out an extra one and leave five dollars, or I get fired. It’s a tough world.Just had to get that out of my system.

Note the subject of this next one.

Subject: Shini-chicken is back from hell!!!!!
Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 00:38:44 PST

Today has been a really loooooooooong day. Have you noticed? It’s almost like time is dragging itself forward as if it isn’t sure humanity is worth all the effort.

You know, I think I’ve found a cure for migrain. Yes, I know there are painkillers, but you know, just cuddling up to someone can make it stop? Sometimes, just comfort can make a difference. This is from experience. Because just now, I had a really really bad migrain which was specifically above my eyebrow, and nurse Lindy couldn’t help. (:P) So I went home, lay down on my sister’s lap and let her yank and play with my hair (gently) and I feel better. I know it sounds corny. But hey, it worked.:P. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I’m young and have made a new discovery. yep. Youth. That must be the problem.

(Is she like… on medication or something?)

You know that candy ‘Sugus’? That simple mixture of sugar, jello, food colouring and flavouring? I hate the stuff. Why??? Because the more people eat, the more teeth fall out. And then who gets the long shift?

(She’s still on about that fucking tooth fairy shit)

Ben is starting to worry me. He appears to be attracted to you. haha…Just kidding. Thought I’d scare you.

I think I’ve wasted enough of your time with my silly babbling.

This next e-mail was sent after she confronted me for the first time. We hadn’t met face to face prior to that. We were only communicating through e-mail at first.

(Okay shit, i sort of got my story mixed up up there. I guess i must’ve been e-mailing with her a bit BEFORE we met up face to face. What? It’s been 3 years goddamnit. My memory is fading)

Subject: the awkward aftermath…
Date: Wed, 01 Mar 2000 00:24:23 PST

Hey you…..

*grin* Muahahaha… I have no idea why I decided to come up to you today. It just got to me how we seem like we don’t even know each other in public. I mean, we do, but not very well. I guess we owe each other a little more than just e-mails.

I guess this would be the awkward email after confrontation.
I just want to say thank you for sitting and talking with me today. It was nice. I hope I didn’t bore or irk you with my crazy ramblings. I’m sorry if I did. I’m very talkative, you might’ve noticed. And when I’m nervous, I tend to babble.

Ben is so intensely weird and sweet. He can be such a dundle head sometimes. I have to wonder about his mental stability. I have this odd feeling he’s schizophrenic.

You know he got his grilfriend mixed up with her other twin sister the other day? Not physically, but he kept saying that Jia Ying did some of Jia Shin’s subjects. It could’ve possibly been an innocent mistake, but he listed *all* Jia Shin’s subjects. That was such an awkward moment. I was scared Jia Ying would freak. But she just gave ben a look and rolled her eyes. I just sat there and thanked my lucky stars that she didn’t punch him into next week.

You know, I’m scared of clowns. Very scared.I do not have any idea why. I hate the costumes, the red noses….eugh!Do you know that when they pour cold water down each others pants it actually increases their fertility rate? Not only clowns, that is. I mean men as a whole. I heard hot water does the opposite. I say use hot water and get rid of all clowns in one go!

(Why is she going on about clowns all of a sudden? And what the fuck? Fertility rates?!)

*sigh* Anyway, I have to go write something about the phantom of the opera. I love that book. But it seems I’m the only one who appreciates classic books. A classic book is a book much praised yet rarely read.

She likes classic books. That’s definitely not ‘normal’ (to me at least). Anyway, the fourth e-mail she sent was really boring so i won’t bother posting that up. Instead, here’s the fifth and final e-mail that she sent before we broke up. We didn’t e-mail each other after we officially got ‘together’.

Subject: Hey…
Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 06:07:00 PST

Umm……yeah…sort of….shocked….Funny. I’m not the kind of person who’s so easily shocked. But it’s a pleasant shock, as you might say…

(She’s talking about us officially going out. Interesting note: She actually said “Yes” before i even popped ‘the question’)

I’ve been pretty much, alone, for a long time. And I enjoy looking after people. SO after all this time of fussing over friends, I have someone specific to sort of, fuss over.I feel a little light headed still.

(Why were you alone for a long time? Was it because you were a complete psycho and everyone was afraid of you?)

Spoke to Ben. He’s umm….shall I say, over the moon? He thinks it a redemption after making the thorough mistake of fixing Jeff up with Valerie.

(Ben was the one who sorta fixed us up. I should probably kill him for the hell i had to go through post-break up)

Can’t imagine the attention we’ll be drawing now. Maybe they’ll leave us alone because we’re official. Or they could become more intense. At least I’ve got someone else to help me deal with it.

Oh, I love the way you watch me. I had to say that. I really do. Thank you. I haven’t felt ‘special’ for a long time. It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel at all.

(See how much of a sweetheart i can be? “Oh, I love the way you watch me.” I am fucking SWEET)

I’ve got to go to sleep now. My dad’s given me medicine to help ‘cope’ with the migrains. It’s a pill that’s beem prescribed to me from a doctor in England, so don’t get any funny ideas. It’s supposed to put me to sleep. It’s working very well.


Let take a look at the signs again:

  • She thinks she’s the tooth fairy
  • She was *supposed* to be Death’s Apprentice
  • She bites
  • Need i say more?

    Migraines? Suuuuure….

    Anyhow, so okay yeah, like i said, she WAS pretty nice and sweet at first. But come on now, you can’t deny the fact that she can be a bit looney at times. Hey, i thought it was pretty cute too but that wasn’t until i found out that she really WAS a little psycho.

    SO ANYWAYYYY, yeah, fucking 9 hours. And she’s ‘suffocated’. I sort of knew something wasn’t going right when she came up to me the day before we broke telling me that she needed a break (FROM WHAT??????). Of course, i was like kinda worried that we were gonna break up or something but she said “Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine”.

    The next day, she breaks up with me.

    She tells me it’s not the right time for her to be in a relationship and that she just wants to concentrate on her studies and that her parents are like really strict and stuff and that her sister who’s in the U.K who’s never even met me apparently hates me (?!?!??!!?!) etc etc bla bla blah. And i respected her decision and went along with it. I bought what she had to say. And when people started asking about why we weren’t together anymore, i told them word for word what she told me. Fair deal right?

    BUT NOOOOOOO. Guess what? When people asked her why we broke up, she made it out to seem like i was an asshole..! WTF! She was telling people how i was ‘in love’ with her and that i wanted to ‘marry her’ (!?!!?) and shit. How the HELL can someone fall in love with someone else in the span of 9 fucking hours TOTAL of being together? And holy shit, it wasn’t like i ever even got to get physical with her! Shit, the most we ever did was just walk around school HOLDING HANDS.

    And what was even worse was the fact that before we broke up, she had a fucking ROUND TABLE discussion with MY FRIENDS and NOT ME about whether or not we should break up. That after the countless times of me telling her that if she ever had ANYTHING she wanted to say, any problems or whatever, she could just tell me. Instead she turns the tables on me, states what she THINKS (not the FACTS but what she THINKS… oh but then again remember, SHE CAN READ MINDS) and makes ME look like the bad guy.

    Holy crap.

    Okay. Alright. Whether she really was psycho or not is really up to debate (actually even her own cousin describes her as being, and i quote: “She used to be nice… now she’s a complete psychopath”) but hey, maybe i’m just bitter about the fucking unnecessary drama she caused post break up. The shit i had to clean up.. goddamn.

    Oh and fucking get this, the day before we broke up, she was actually complaining about the fact that we never got into fights.


    There’s probably more post break up crap that she got me into that i don’t even remember right now but fuck it, the point is, 9 hours!!!!!!!

    Man, i really don’t get girls sometimes.

    And the ones that i do get are usually psychos.



    * Fuck. Almost forgot to include this footnote. Yeah. Nikki looking good again (more like all the time). It’s almost becoming like a running joke now on this site.

  • 36 thoughts on “TOO LONG; DIDN’T READ.

    1. All I am going to say is all women are fucking crazy. It’s just the degrees of craziness.

      Look at Amy or Crystal for some proof. 🙂

      #1 | Comment by smash — December 21, 2003 @ 5:47 am

    2. dude that is fucked up

      #2 | Comment by kvl — December 21, 2003 @ 6:08 am

    3. Rape her. Then throw her into a dumpster.

      And lock it.

      #3 | Comment by ASL — December 21, 2003 @ 6:24 am

    4. hey!! excuse me, not all woman are like that. ok…………

      #4 | Comment by wittyza — December 21, 2003 @ 6:51 am

    5. smash —

      I would take offense to that… but I am pretty damn crazy. But I really do think boys have made me that way. 🙂

      #5 | Comment by Amy — December 21, 2003 @ 7:18 am

    6. at times like these i revert to my right hand for "companionship."

      #6 | Comment by P. Orno Rocks — December 21, 2003 @ 7:58 am

    7. From the evidence presented, I’d say that’s a totally normal level of girl psycho-ness. Has she taken enough drugs to kill herself, then called you to tell you about it so you can save her life? Has she stolen a car and driven it to Tahoe and broken into someone’s hotel room when she got there because that’s what *they* were telling her to do? Has she waved a big knife at you and screamed that she’s going to kill herself and kill you too and then passed out from an anxiety attack when you calmly pointed out that she would need to reverse the order of killing to get the both of you? After the requisite first-quarter-in-college 10-week hookup/breakup did she become deliberately uncute and martyr herself to the campus crusade for christ and walk slowly through campus like a disciple in rags for the remainder of 4 years? She says she’s the tooth fairy — so what? Does she report actually having *seen* fairies in her dorm room, up in the corner by the door, next to the ceiling? Has she claimed during a break-up to have become pregnant, then stopped talking about it after you scheduled a visit for the two of you at student health? These cases are taken from a randomized sampling of six ordinary off-the shelf girlfriends, not a single one with a clinically validated psychiatric disorder. I’d say your girl is a narcissistic flake, but she certainly does not seem to be psycho to any unusual degree. Make babies with her.

      #7 | Comment by quantum — December 21, 2003 @ 8:11 am

    8. girls are the devil

      you said it yourself 😉

      #8 | Comment by vhw — December 21, 2003 @ 9:20 am

    9. I feel like I should be rewarded after reading all of that.
      what a bitch.

      #9 | Comment by radish01001 — December 21, 2003 @ 10:06 am

    10. One of the best posts…ever. Fucking hilarious, do more, cockface.

      #10 | Comment by pangwinking — December 21, 2003 @ 10:59 am

    11. Actually that was worth the read. It brings to mind that old SNL skit, make you want to knock her out and bury her up to her neck in a soccer field and paint her head like a soccer ball, or get a wire cutters and cut her achilles tendons and chase her around naked in the rain with a baseball bat….ooooh that’s gotta hurt.

      #11 | Comment by AKApostal — December 21, 2003 @ 12:49 pm

    12. what kind of chicks do you guys date… geezus fucking christ.

      #12 | Comment by sexcrazedweazel — December 21, 2003 @ 2:04 pm

    13. To answer Weasel’s question, I tend to date the types that end up screwing me over by screwing somebody else.

      #13 | Comment by Umgawa — December 21, 2003 @ 5:17 pm


      #14 | Comment by Gluteus Maximus — December 21, 2003 @ 5:38 pm

    15. umgawa. i’m convinced you’re too nice of a guy…

      #15 | Comment by sexcrazedweazel — December 21, 2003 @ 8:09 pm

    16. justin.

      The real question remains.

      How the fuck did this thing ever get passed – "Did you know I’m the tooth fairy?"

      Wasn’t that your first clue that this chick was totally cuckoo for cocoa puffs? Or were you just waiting for an independent medical panel to declare her certifiably insane?

      #16 | Comment by sexcrazedweazel — December 21, 2003 @ 8:13 pm

    17. OMG justin you must be the unluckiest guy that has ever walked this earth when it comes to women… damn man I feel sorry for you!

      #17 | Comment by WP — December 21, 2003 @ 9:11 pm

    18. I think Psycho is a bit strong here – shes just a bitch – and not even a big bitch – probably from the evidence here a minor bitch who played you for popularity sake.

      #18 | Comment by NGEddie — December 22, 2003 @ 7:41 am

    19. Dude…

      #19 | Comment by jobe — December 22, 2003 @ 9:39 am

    20. weak.

      i have those supersized:


      #20 | Comment by Justin — December 22, 2003 @ 1:53 pm

    21. its always fun to laugh at jutin’s luck when it comes to girls. haha. and since when did michelle branch get so hot?? who cares, i aint complaining..

      #21 | Comment by william — December 22, 2003 @ 3:19 pm

    22. You are a god among men. :::salute:::

      #22 | Comment by jobe — December 22, 2003 @ 3:23 pm

    23. Who the hell is nikki – put up a pic of her

      #23 | Comment by Nikki Pic — December 23, 2003 @ 1:17 am

    24. michelle branch (pic 2) – "I have a pirate fetish – I just always thought eye patches were sexy. If you want to get my attention wear a pirate outfit."


      #24 | Comment by NGEddie — December 23, 2003 @ 2:20 am

    25. uh. I’m going limp.


      #25 | Comment by sexcrazedweazel — December 23, 2003 @ 2:53 am

    26. Wow. Michelle Branch. Who would have thought?!?! Pretty nice.

      #26 | Comment by grud — December 23, 2003 @ 4:07 am

    27. wow indeed…she is quite the surprising minx.

      #27 | Comment by kvl — December 23, 2003 @ 7:58 am

      nice isint it?

      #28 | Comment by luke — December 23, 2003 @ 9:37 am

    29. That chick is wacked plain & simple. But MB is hot as hell…..

      #29 | Comment by Mojo Jojo — December 23, 2003 @ 3:45 pm

    30. So, yeah, that’s fucked-up. Justin, Bubba, et al, I got 1,766 words on random, useless crap. A hundred short of my average. It’s a rarity I see you guys on here, so I thought I might let you know that I wrote up a new something. Oh, and I’m still working on my other project, and it’ll be finished in time for the holiday.

      #30 | Comment by Umgawa — December 23, 2003 @ 6:32 pm

    31. three things to say, two things, i’ll count when I am done.

      The sexcrazedweasel as either become a caricature of himself, which is damned difficult to do, or…..the sexcrazedweasel has become a pussy.
      Either way, I haven’t been here in a while and his transformation to doting FUBAR rent boy is startling.

      Now, for my comment, am I the only spine-inserted fuck here?
      Justin is the freak in this little scenario, not the young lady, who seems quite the intelligent, articulate, ingenue.
      I mean, whatever, if you lot didn’t get it the first time you sure as hell won’t after my explanation.

      Justin’s a good soul, but sometimes the lad is creepy.

      #31 | Comment by Discommode — December 25, 2003 @ 2:28 am

    32. and U, you need a, nope, thats arrogant of me…
      I need a comment block or an email so I can send shit to you saying.

      I got the "flip" in the Sixth Sense so early that the movie is shit to me.
      I didn’t get it in US but after it was presented to me, I still hated the film because Spacey is no fucking way sensible as Soze, and I couldn’t suspend my active imagination to declare that the point is not that he was but that you didnt figure it out.

      Anyway, my most important point is……..there are tonnes of bad movies made "good" by acting.
      Have a look at any Eastwood Spaghetti Western.
      They are great bad movies transformed by an actors accidental brilliance, and famously recreated with Star Trek, whis is even weirder because the episodes are terrible and the acting is pathetic, yet it works and even dares to be serious art with it’s "what was happening in the country then" metaphors.

      And if you havent read this because you dont backread dated posts, then thats the precise and perfect explanation why you need a comment block.
      Little sense that would do me now.

      #32 | Comment by Discommode — December 25, 2003 @ 2:47 am

    33. "who seems quite the intelligent, articulate, ingenue"


      i bolded the keyword in that statement.

      #33 | Comment by Justin — December 25, 2003 @ 2:39 pm

    34. why god why does justing like the pore shots it makes the pic look horrible thank god i found them at another site

      #34 | Comment by The Dark One — January 5, 2004 @ 10:54 pm

    35. All I heard was that she bites. So, um…where exactly is this girl now?

      #35 | Comment by Banana — January 22, 2004 @ 1:43 am

    36. All I heard was that she bites. So, um…where exactly is this girl now?

      #36 | Comment by Banana — January 22, 2004 @ 1:44 am

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