A million monkeys on a million computers…

What is it about anonymity that pours into people in code and comes running out like a ball of snot? Someone who I consider close online wondered if my alternate name meant an alternate personality, and you can only blame so much on pots calling kettles black, and even less of that can be assigned to personality quirks. In actuality everyone who uses the internet is a goddamn schizophrenic.

Personality AThe Reinvented: The nice quiet kid, the one who could get the creme of the crop dates if they could escape the horror of the friend zone – Camp X-Ray has nothing on a group of angsty teens and twenty-somethings looking for love in all the wrong places. This type wouldn’t call your female dog a bitch at the Westminster show, let alone attack even the skankiest of mothers (yo momma is sooo…nevermind). Breaking out from the ‘nice guy’ mode takes something extreme in this fast-paced world of pastable gossip and hits today gone tomorrow. Porn usually does the trick, nothing says Typical Guy louder than daily posts that consist of BangBus plugs and open-mouthed women with chests like misshapen missiles. This type is my personal favorite, there’s still a Nice Guy underneath, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get them on the phone.

Personality BThe Critic: Your hometown loser. You remember them, two steps and a crashland behind fashion trend, complexion reminiscent of pink marshmallow peeps after they have been unwrapped and tucked under a couch cushion for two weeks. An outcast perhaps, falling into two categories of catch-phrase: “I would give anything to be popular for just one day!” or “I hate those fucking jocks, they can stare down the barrel of my daddy’s gun tomorrow morning.” Female Bs are most often found bashing camgirls, fem musicians, actresses, Mother friggin’ Theresa if a boy they like online happens to think she’s ‘nice.’ But in the net dogfight the male Bs are god – they rain down criticism and judgment with a fat-dimpled or bone-stencilled fist, leering upon mere mortals from thrones of gore sites or comments sections. ph33r the l33t.

Personality C
The Unsure: Vaguely insecure teen meets world, satisfied with their social life but never quite at home with the bits beneath their skin. You want to like this type in the real world, if not for the constant “Do I look fat in this dress?” brand of questions (note: the correct answer is almost always “The dress doesn’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat”). Cs are the root of the camgirl/boy breed, the hardcore campeople who believe wishlists mean acceptance, and “<3" translates to anything other than "So when can I see your tits?" Cs are perhaps the biggest victims of this horrible personality trait - they're building self-respect houses out of shit bricks and amazon boxes, camouflaging with photoshop brushes and a couple flashes of skin. Ignore them, hate them, but never tell them you love them. C is the stray dog that comes back to your house for table scraps even after you buy a bigger dog. And a gun. Personality DThe Older Sibling: Most of those who don’t fall into any of the above categories (or other misc areas including Stalker, Hitwhore, and Canadian) become the older sibling. They listen to your frantic IMs, they wipe your cybertears, and if you want to respond to them with topless pictures of yourself, well worry not, your net big brother will always assure you that it’s natural to take artistic nudes, especially when artistic includes their name scrawled around your nipple. Ds are the ones accused of pedophilia, the boybands of the web surrounded by underage attached fans and the men who hate them for it. They collect gossip straight from the source and dump it like so much child-molesting semen into the collective ear that is internet. Like all older siblings you will feel close to this type, and also like real siblings, learn to be careful – Ds know all your stupid stories and it doesn’t take much more than skipping a turn at chores to have them running to tattle.

This post wasn’t aimed at any personalities in particular. If one of the type descriptions pisses you off it’s probably because the truth hurts more than your free porn being taken away. There are lesser evils and mixes of these breeds but not many. Live it, love it, then get a faster connection.

cheerleader (33k image)

25 thoughts on “A million monkeys on a million computers…

  1. i don’t fit any of these….hmm….too bad, maybe its cuz i’m such a fatbastard. anyways, where’s my porn biatch? A N D lets see your tits bitch! buh-bye

    #1 | Comment by fatbastard — February 23, 2002 @ 11:27 am

  2. you could only dream about seeing her tits you fat fuck, biatch.

    #2 | Comment by trent — February 23, 2002 @ 12:16 pm

  3. I want to hear about the Canadian category. I want to find out what you think of me…

    #3 | Comment by scloop — February 23, 2002 @ 12:26 pm

  4. is trent gay

    #4 | Comment by Mo‚ — February 23, 2002 @ 4:41 pm

  5. Every time I read you, I like you a little more……..

    #5 | Comment by mike — February 23, 2002 @ 6:47 pm

  6. ::(stalker, hitwhore, and canadian)::


    thanks for a post cleo. I think you missed a personality tho. The audience. Sit back and watch the monkeys dance. Who am i kidding Im a monkey.

    *dance dance dance*

    #6 | Comment by vass — February 23, 2002 @ 8:06 pm

  7. good post, although it’s not interesting. i don’t care about yout views on the myriad of differing schizophrenial people. i care about what’s going on in your life. that’s why justin got a lot of hits. we dont know you.

    #7 | Comment by dude,whoaaaa — February 23, 2002 @ 8:18 pm

  8. hence, the word "weblog"

    #8 | Comment by dude,whoaaaa — February 23, 2002 @ 8:18 pm

  9. Justin where are you?

    #9 | Comment by scloop — February 23, 2002 @ 8:54 pm

  10. probably drunk in hawaii.

    #10 | Comment by q — February 23, 2002 @ 9:17 pm

  11. Why Hawaii?? Maybe he’s in Mexico…

    #11 | Comment by scloop — February 23, 2002 @ 9:19 pm

  12. What the fuck does this have to do with anything?!

    #12 | Comment by AnNuBiUs — February 23, 2002 @ 10:08 pm

  13. Though I agree with the post, because it is quite accurate, I must actually agree with ‘Dude, Whoaaa’ that people are more interested about YOUR LIFE, then your actual views. Though the occasional post that details your views, or the post that has a little bit of your views included are more than alright, I think that a ‘blogger should hold off making posts like that until there is enough detailing their life sitting in the archives, and I dont think they should be done at all on group blogs such as this.

    #13 | Comment by Psypher — February 23, 2002 @ 10:33 pm

  14. let’s not analyze this shit. it’s a fucking post, love it or hate it fucking idiots.

    #14 | Comment by trent — February 23, 2002 @ 11:37 pm

  15. hmm… It was said above but I like Cleo the more I hear her mind. The main thing on my mind is what would drive Cleo to make these statements. Most of the time there is a reason and in this case I think there is. If you talked to Justin lately you’ll notice that he is different. So something has happened. As said above we love to hear about you lives so we want to know what that is, thus my first question. I do not think that 3 days of continual asking of "where’s my porn bitch" would bring this about, I might be wrong. But I really don’t care about the porn that much, I want to get what I normal get from this site, what that is i don’t know. I know many many sites and I’ve been to many more but for some reason I keep coming back here, what for? I do not know. So where this site and all of us go from here is what I’d like to know and I will keep on coming back to see, why? I do not know. But to all of us.. good luck

    #15 | Comment by gcracker713 — February 23, 2002 @ 11:47 pm

  16. Maybe Justin = Cleo? Psypher, maybe we know Cleo better than we think? 😉

    #16 | Comment by Kev — February 24, 2002 @ 1:14 am

  17. You know…when I wrote a blog post people told me they didn’t want to hear about my life. When I wrote a vague entertaining post people say to write a blog. What it boils down to is this: no matter how many instructions I get I’ll still write about what I want to write about. Thanks to everyone who’s been nice/polite.

    #17 | Comment by Cleo — February 24, 2002 @ 2:30 am

  18. I dont even remotely fit into any of those personalitys.
    maybe coz ime a hardcore gamer, i chat alot in MSN and still have a huge outdoor life

    #18 | Comment by CheeseMonger — February 24, 2002 @ 3:33 am

  19. I think that Justin is just playing with us…

    #19 | Comment by scloop — February 24, 2002 @ 12:01 pm

  20. I am personality a this personality should also be called the "friend" personality you know what kind of friend I am talking about the one that always gets asked the male opinion of something and isn’t gay that friend

    #20 | Comment by Josh — February 24, 2002 @ 12:53 pm

  21. Why is the last day of vacation always have to be the nicest, blue skies and 60 degrees out… why or is it that I don’t pay attentions to the other days


    #21 | Comment by gcracker713 — February 24, 2002 @ 3:44 pm

  22. aw gawd! me dun wan cleo posts… me want justine posts… err… where are you?

    #22 | Comment by ah beng — February 24, 2002 @ 9:10 pm

  23. I’m beginning to think that maybe Justin isn’t with us anymore….

    #23 | Comment by scloop — February 25, 2002 @ 7:04 pm

  24. same. nevermind. 🙁

    #24 | Comment by Iris — February 25, 2002 @ 7:31 pm

  25. hey! it’s me again. just wondering if you people out there know what was the longest period that justin remained silent in the postings (or comments)… maybe he’s just trying to break his record of keeping quiet.

    or, as everyone suspects, justin got a girl fren = no more time for F. U. B. A. R.

    man that thought sucks… this site WOULD be fucked up beyond all recognition without justin…

    #25 | Comment by ah beng — February 25, 2002 @ 8:33 pm

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