Dates From Hell – The Animal Rights Activist Episode

Hey, folks, I figured I might as well follow up today’s posts with a man’s point of view on things. Yes, in Justin’s absence, I’ve been brought in to bring a dash of testosterone to the page. So, in this posting, I’m going to impart upon the readers of the page a few lessons I learned on a date a while back, back when I was a struggling actor playing bit parts in movies like Dazed & Confused.

First impressions are terribly important. I can’t even begin to tell you how important. For example, when a girl introduces herself and mentions how her name is spelled, all in the same sentence, just run away. Quickly. What would normally sound like, “Hi, I’m Christine,” turns into that very phrase followed up with, “spelled with a K… and an H… a Y, a double-E and a silent Q.” So, of course, while she’s babbling on about god-knows-what, you’re trying to figure out how her name is actually spelled.

Khryqsteen? What the fuck, was she named after a region of Persia?

Well, Khryqsteen was a pretty girl who I met at a party being held at the apartment complex I was living at. Unfortunately, I didn’t know to run after she explained how her name was spelled (that’s experience for ya), so I asked her out for the trusty ol’ Dinner & A Movie, which is the easiest type of date because you can always bump the movie if the dinner conversation is particularly enlightening.

Okay, the budget for the date was sixty bucks for both the dinner and the movie. Struggling actors don’t make much, you know. She orders a salad. Not like a Mondo Chicken Caesar Parmegiana Salad or anything like that. She orders a house salad with oil and vinegar. So, what’s a guy to do in a circumstance like this? I was living on ramen noodles at the time, so I ordered an eighteen-ounce filet-mignon, medium rare with sour cream and bacon bits on the potato.

She launches into this five-minute monologue about how “I killed a defenseless cow, meat is murder, the cows don’t deserve to die, you could eat soy, blah, blah, blah…” She goes so far as to accuse me of misrepresenting myself when we met by not informing her that I occasionally eat animals. I mean, she’s done everything but accuse me of being the Chupacabra of Latin-American myth. I light up a cigarette, knowing full-well that it’s the non-smoking section, but I just don’t care anymore. I say to her:

“You’re wearing leather pants. The same cow that’s going to be on my plate in five minutes is wrapped around your thighs right now… Hey, before you go, just one more question: Are you a hypocrite or just plain stupid? Because I really want to know.” The waiter brings the dinner in a bag and I went to see two movies that night.

What’s the lesson to be learned from this? Disclosure. When you first meet someone, just spend the next twenty minutes telling each other everything about your respective lives, because eventually you’ll find something you wouldn’t be able to live with, and that’ll save you a whole lot of money, time and grief in the long run. Of course, J-Lo still doesn’t know about the trips me and Damon make to Thailand every year.

19 thoughts on “Dates From Hell – The Animal Rights Activist Episode

  1. aha.ben is going thailand.which part?maybe dick kok may be tour man for free.dick kok brings ben to patpong.see many amazing feats of pussy queen.

    #1 | Comment by dick kok — October 19, 2002 @ 5:07 am

  2. hmmmm testosterone. finally. since none of the chicks on here *ever* show anything, we might as well all turn into sausage lovers.

    #2 | Comment by Prez — October 19, 2002 @ 5:55 am

  3. Affleck, you tha BOMB in "Phantoms", Yo!

    #3 | Comment by Bubba — October 19, 2002 @ 6:35 am

  4. Hey Ben this Damon I just picked up the tickets so I’ll see you at the Airport tomorrow O.k alright later buddy. Tailand Baby Woo

    #4 | Comment by Damon — October 19, 2002 @ 7:21 am

  5. Well, Prez, so sorry that we’re underage normal girls. We’ll hhave to do better and transform ourselves into porn stars just for you. *rolls eyes*

    Bubba: Phantoms like a mothafuckah!

    With any hookers tonight, Affleck? 😉

    #5 | Comment by Liz — October 19, 2002 @ 7:55 am

  6. Ben Affleck sucks.

    #6 | Comment by Lou Merloni — October 19, 2002 @ 8:15 am

  7. This site is really starting to SUCK since Justin left. the only girl i liked- Suzi well….that boob thing now u r starting too suck too.

    #7 | Comment by Luke — October 19, 2002 @ 10:54 am

  8. Maybe Justin just moved his site.
    http://www.justinslayer.com The name of the creator is Justin. He talks about some pornstar called Susan… Did you move without telling me ?

    #8 | Comment by Kingolf — October 19, 2002 @ 10:57 am

  9. Luke, don’t you read my site? I’ve been telling people for the past year how bad I suck.

    #9 | Comment by suzi — October 19, 2002 @ 11:37 am

  10. I like the way the site is going, I just wish Justin was here to take part in it….and why the hell is someone posting as Ben Affleck?? I am totally lost on the whole thing…..but for fun, AFFLECK YOU DA BOMB IN PHANTOMS YO!!!

    #10 | Comment by Meg — October 19, 2002 @ 12:22 pm

  11. crap someone already said the phantoms thing…meh….sorry Bubba. didnt see it….k bye <3

    #11 | Comment by meg — October 19, 2002 @ 12:24 pm

  12. So Thess made me feel guilty last night with the whole "Just like the rest of you losers, I’m sitting at home right now." so I had to go out last night. Only to come back today and see that whole conversations were held and I missed it. Fuck it, from now on I take all of my meals right here, screen set to automatic refresh, need a bed pan, some duck tape, cheetos, and a coat hanger. M-kay, I’m ready.

    #12 | Comment by Jamlink — October 19, 2002 @ 2:18 pm

  13. I agree Luke. Six posts since Justin left and not one is interesting.

    #13 | Comment by Jarge — October 19, 2002 @ 5:00 pm

  14. Ok, what is the deal. I have been sitting here patiently waiting for people to post comments for seven hours now and there has only been one. I’m out of cheetos, the duck tape is chaffing my legs, and the coat hanger just isn’t working out for what I intended. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

    #14 | Comment by Jamlink — October 19, 2002 @ 9:07 pm

  15. Whoever the lame ass that just posted under my screen name should be shot. It would be one thing if I used Bob, John, or some other common name.

    Let me count the ways that I would torture you if I met you in person:

    1. I would rip of your finger nails and you upside down by your ankles to bleed you to death. Anytime your fingers scabbed over I would scrape the scabs back off or start cutting your fingers off one knuckle at a time. In either case you would bleed, and slowly so that you start getting faint and know that you are not going to make it.

    2. What is that movie where the person gets tied down to the bed and the other person uses a hammer to one by one smash in all of the first person’s joints? Don’t worry, I would play the movie on repeat while I was doing it to make sure I got it right.

    3. Chinese water torture. It’s where they lock your head in a vice grip pointing up. Then a steady drip of water falls right into the middle of your forehead. Drip. Drip. Drip. Eventually the drips actually start wearing away the flesh until a whole is eaten through your brain.

    4. Push you down a fifty foot razor blade into a pool of alcohol.

    5. Drop you off a three story building onto a bicycle. With no seat.

    6. I like the one from scorpion king. With the fire ants. And the guy buried up to his neck in dirt. Seems painful.

    7. Burn you to death. Only I would do it slowly. Maybe use flame retardant cloth to keep the rest of you from burning while I burn off your hand. Or maybe your foot. One piece at a time.

    I will stop for now. Not that I am really this sadistic, but really. Let’s not be childish and go posting as other people who obviously have established screen names.

    #15 | Comment by Jamlink — October 20, 2002 @ 1:11 am

  16. Affleck you are a horrible actor, but I love your performances. I wish I was quicker to the punch, too many Kevin Smith fans abound to make references first.

    #16 | Comment by dugas of eenodol — October 20, 2002 @ 2:56 am

  17. I dont mind Ben but I wish he would take up residence somewhere else with his insane amounts of free time.

    #17 | Comment by Dylan — October 20, 2002 @ 5:06 am

  18. post now

    #18 | Comment by Jamlink — October 20, 2002 @ 12:44 pm

  19. I hate the Ford Tough Man commercials with that lame ass country song in the background.

    #19 | Comment by EagerHonesty — October 20, 2002 @ 12:46 pm

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