“Just no thongs, ok?”


Picture yourself, if you will, in the upper level of one, KOHLS department store, at the top of the escalator… right between women’s lingerie and shoes. You just picked out a new pair of kicks and are intent on going down to the first floor to check out and leave. But something stops you. Out of the corner of your eye you see them.

The clearance panty bins.

40% off the lowest ticketed price.

What were you to do? How were you to proceed?

Normally, you would just walk over, sniff a few and then leave. But you can’t this time. Because your freaking FATHER is with you.

“Sure,” he says with a knowing glance, “go pick out a few.”

Oh. Ok then. I walked over and was expecting to see my dad head over to home furnishings (he has a thing for soap dispensers)… but to my surprise… he ran to my side, taking in the full view of the panty party.

Ok, that’s a lie. It wasn’t to my surprise. My dad and I like to make a scene.

So there we were, rummaging through the briefs, bikinis, thongs, g-strings and girdles. No wonder they are on clearance. All of them being truly gag-inducing. Example:

String bikini cuts made of shiny red polyester with silver lightning bolts. Blue cammo thong. Purple mother fucking polka dots (yes Justin, I did get those). Mammoth white briefs that you could wrap around your head four times and still have enough fabric to tie a not.

WHO (besides Jenn) buys this stuff?


“Ohhh, honey, how about these.”

Ummn, no. I do not feel uncomfortable taking under garment suggestions from my 64 year old man.

“No no, Dad. I’ve grown out of the fuchsia phase.” And with that, the ladies peering over a nearby bra display started to giggle and my face turned to match the pair of panties in my father’s hand.

… my face being a fierce shade of scarlet was apparently not enough for my father.

“I don’t understand why you women would wear anything at all if you are going to wear one of these (holds up neon tie-dyed thong)- they can’t be comfortable.”

“You get used to the perma-wedgie, feeling, Dad.”

“This one (previously mentioned cammo thong) looks like a sling shot.”

“… or something you could wear.”


Yeah. At 21 my father still slaps the back of my head when I shoot off at the mouth. And yeah. The nearby women shoppers giggled at that too.


What came next was, by far, the pinnacle of the experience, my father and I came together to compare our picks, and 6 out of the 7 pairs we had matched.


Welcum to my world, fubarbs.

25 thoughts on ““Just no thongs, ok?”

  1. By the time I’m done typing I probably wont be first post anymore…damn. Anyways, Hi Lizzie and welcome.

    #1 | Comment by Keli — February 23, 2003 @ 3:53 am

  2. Wait, I’m confused. You and your dad can wear the same sized panties?

    #2 | Comment by smash — February 23, 2003 @ 7:13 am

  3. There are actually underwear bins?

    That damn Selma Hyak, treating Jason Lee like he was a liar.

    #3 | Comment by Seriously — February 23, 2003 @ 8:58 am

  4. i feel so santa clausy today.
    FREE PORN FOR EVERYONE! http://www.totalfree.net

    #4 | Comment by luke — February 23, 2003 @ 9:18 am

  5. my dad used to help my sister pick out her underwear at the panty bin. must have been awful for both of them. oh the pains of being a single father and the daughter raised by him. considering my dad’s habit of holding up a peice of clothing and yelling across the store, "How about this," i can imagine the situations he used to put my sister in at the panty bin…*shudder*

    #5 | Comment by gabdabary — February 23, 2003 @ 10:23 am

  6. I am glad my dad is an asshole and doesnt keep in contact with me just for that reason.

    #6 | Comment by Susan — February 23, 2003 @ 11:01 am

  7. Good post.
    Think your dad just wanna visit that section which normally he couldnt when he’s alone. But with you, he now has an excuse. =)

    #7 | Comment by JiL0 — February 23, 2003 @ 11:11 am

  8. so where are the pictures of you modelling your new purchases?

    someone had to ask..I took the oportunity

    #8 | Comment by That Pervert — February 23, 2003 @ 11:43 am

  9. And it says at your site that you are a lucid dreamer. Is there any special technique to having lucid dreams, or is it just something that some people can do?

    #9 | Comment by Seriously — February 23, 2003 @ 12:11 pm

  10. at least it wasn’t bra shopping.

    #10 | Comment by Pancho — February 23, 2003 @ 1:11 pm

  11. Great post. 🙂

    Besides "getting used to" thongs, there’s always the fact that if you get a wedgie with regular underwear, it’s a whole lot more fabric to have up in the crack of your ass than that which will be up there with thongs.

    #11 | Comment by thess — February 23, 2003 @ 3:08 pm

  12. "That damn Selma Hyak, treating Jason Lee like he was a liar. Posted by Seriously"
    Selma Blair = chick you were talking about.
    Salma Hayek = hottest woman alive.

    #12 | Comment by oldjoe — February 23, 2003 @ 3:19 pm

  13. Ooh, thanks.

    #13 | Comment by Seriously — February 23, 2003 @ 5:26 pm

  14. *homer simpson drool noise* Thess and a thong…..

    #14 | Comment by mark — February 23, 2003 @ 7:16 pm

  15. atleast it wasnt picking out tampons

    #15 | Comment by P. Orno Rocks — February 23, 2003 @ 9:31 pm

  16. thanx for the welcome, everybuddy!

    my dad did actually ask if i wanted to go get a few bras too… but i passed. i am not one to give up the chance for free shopping with either of my rents… but yeah. ::cough::

    good point about the thongs, thess. i’ll be sure to bring that up next time my dad and i hang out. 😉

    and seriously, it started for me in high school when we did dream journals in psych. if you try to remember your dreams and write them down as soon as you wake up… you start training yourself to remember them more. eventually i found myself vividly remembering my dreams… and now sometimes i can guide them. everyone dreams during part of each REM cycle… you just have to be mentally willing to remember them.

    ok. i sound like a freak. but hey, you asked.

    #16 | Comment by starzie — February 23, 2003 @ 11:06 pm

  17. Alright then. I don’t really have anything to say to that, I just want everyone to know I’m alive.

    #17 | Comment by Dugas of eenodol — February 23, 2003 @ 11:36 pm

  18. Sorry for my ignorance. Are you a new poster?

    Thought you are liz initially but then saw the different url.

    #18 | Comment by JiL0 — February 24, 2003 @ 2:38 am

  19. Eek, I’ve never underwear shopped with my dad, it’s just unimaginable. With my mom, sure, but never my father. He just goes "um eh yeah, I’ll be over there" and he points somewhere by the magazine rack. The thing I hate about underwear shopping is that I refuse to buy anything I can’t try on first. And with underwear you have to try them on with your existing underwear still on, a) that sucks and you have no idea how they look and b) you have to worry about who didn’t try them on with their own underwear on before you. Either way, being a guy and buying boxers I think would be a lot easier. =/ speaking of underwear, I need to update my collection. 🙂

    #19 | Comment by eve — February 24, 2003 @ 5:22 am

  20. Good post.

    Good start for a FUBARrette.

    I like.

    #20 | Comment by Kingolf — February 24, 2003 @ 7:01 am

  21. ::cheese::

    yes, jilo, i AM liz… just a different one. i figured to make things less confusing, i would just go by lizzie.

    eve… i concur. trying on underwear stuff is crazy. but with panties, i pretty much fit into one specific size. so i take the chance, buy them, wash them… then proceed to try them on.

    and my dad and i are really close… i don’t have any real inhibitions with talking to him about things… it’s just sketchy how people react to us sometimes (like the bra ladies). people either think i’m a rude bitch or that he’s an old pervert. but oh well… that’s us. 😉

    #21 | Comment by starzie — February 24, 2003 @ 11:23 am

  22. its late, i know…but hi liz! 🙂

    #22 | Comment by liz (other one) — February 26, 2003 @ 8:01 pm

  23. Salma Hayek looks like my grandpa. Now, Selma Blair, that’s a hot piece of ass. Maybe because I dated her for 3 months in high school… Man did she give good head!

    #23 | Comment by Dex — February 22, 2004 @ 8:36 pm

  24. Salma Hayek looks like my grandpa. Now, Selma Blair, that’s a hot piece of ass. Maybe because I dated her for 3 months in high school… Man did she give good head!

    #24 | Comment by Dex — February 22, 2004 @ 8:37 pm

  25. Weee! double post from 10 years ago! I mean triple… ::cough::

    #25 | Comment by Dex — February 22, 2004 @ 8:38 pm

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