mitch hedberg

This guy is awesome. I’ve been listening to his stuff for a while now and just can’t understand why he’s not more popular. There’s this edition of some entertainment magazine in our bathroom with the top 25 comics and he’s not on it. I think he should be because he is awesome. Just go check out his stuff and support him for me.

why I hate everyone

I was just thinking today, having a conversation with this girl I knew way back in high school how every time I’ve been screwed over by a girl, it’s been because she kept a secret from me (or someone else) about a guy. It started with this girl that I was talking to. She started dating a guy that I didn’t like and waited for a few weeks to tell me. When she told me, I was pissed and we had a pretty big break in our friendship. Then on to a girl I dated my senior year in high school. She waited two weeks to tell me that she had necked some guy. Later that summer, I found out that she had been to a wedding shower and met this guy (who I was friends with) and neglected to tell him that she and I were dating. They’re married now. Then, this girl who I was pretty much best friends with started dating this guy over the summer took a full month to tell me she was dating him! I freaking hate it when people lie to me. And what’s worse is that this last girl made a big hoopla about how she didn’t want to ever hurt me in the way that other girl had hurt me, then she did it even worse than anyone else! Everyone should die.

Based on a true story!

Dear driver of red Honda Civic, license #37537,

I hate you. I want to take your muffler (with dual exhaust pipes) and beat you senseless with it. Not in a violent way, but in a way where you learn what happens when you cut people off. You see, the reason I chose to drive in the left lane was because I knew that I was approaching a series of poles which confined me to my side of the road. You, obviously distracted by the glow of the LEDs on your hood or your chrome windshield wipers, completely overlooked this fact. So, about five feet before you were forced to choose a lane, you decided to choose the one that I was already in.

Good for you! But unfortunately, I don’t really give a crap about my car, and am looking for someone to hit me. It was dumb luck that I had not yet accelerated to the point where I would have done enough damage to make the “accident” worth it. Were it not for the disappointment caused by my inability to ram into the side of your car, I might have followed you home, ripped the spoiler off of your car, taken a crap on it, then used the spoiler to smear said feces over your car, completing the metamorphosis you are imposing on your tricked out ride.

Instead though, I choose to taunt you over the Internet, on a website I doubt you’ll ever read, after driving home in my 1985 piece of crap car. Here, I am cool and pretentious, thus allowing me to poke fun at you though I am a complete loser in real life.

God I’m lonely.