CHOBOT MAILBAG!

22 08 2005

Like, literally. This is Chobot’s mailbag. Where i will be responding to Jessica Chobot responding to her reader e-mail. Which will probably only happen once. Unless she keeps responding to e-mails that mention my name or the Chobot Invasion game in them in any of her subsequent WTF articles.

Speaking of which, article and website names that use the F word in them are fucking stupid.

Hey Jessica, First off why would anyone want to hate you. You are the sexiest thing to ever happen to Insider. The guy that made the game is a dick. Plus the game sucks. I attend Full Sail in Florida and I just took a class all about flash. I can make something 100 times better than that and I can make is all about how great you are. I’ll get to work on it and share it with you when it is done.

Johnny.

Hey Johnny. I haven’t a clue why someone who has no idea who I am would hate me that much, other than it’s apparently real cool to hate things…like women (whatever). Dude-if you make a cool Flash game, I’ll totally post it. It doesn’t have to be all about how great I am though (well, maybe a little greatness wouldn’t hurt ;)

I kid… I kid…

“it’s apparently real cool to hate things”. Ya, like you hating on Nintendo you fucking bitch! AND DON’T YOU DARE PLAY NINTENDOGS. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO.

And ‘Johnny’. Shut up. You fucking brownosing little twat. What? You think you’ll get a blowjob if you make Jessica Chobot a flash game? Eat shit.

Technically, his e-mail was probably directed to Trip (the who actually made the game, READ THE END CREDITS), but i have no doubt in my mind that little Johnny thinks that i made it. I mean, everybody does don’t they? This fag thinks so:

That Justin kid must’ve been really friggin BORED. Because if he had time to actually make a game (insulting or maybe praising in a way) the beautiful Jessica Chobot, then he might need therapy or a good butt-whoopin!…….or just get laid…..wow. Shout out to Jessica and everybody helping at IGN, making my humble little brain an inch bigger one article at a time :)

(please write back if possible!!!!) jessica’s #1 fan

Mad Skater

Mad Skater,

Who knows what’s up with the enigma that is Justin. My guess is he wants his site to have hits, get semi-famous and has a secret crush on me. You just know he sneaks out of bed at 1am while everyone is asleep, and logs onto IGN Insider so he can read WTF and do God knows what else…

IGN Insider and myself shout right back out to ya’ Skater! Thanks for being such a fan!

Holy fucking shit. I just had flashbacks of reading the reader mailbag from GamePro magazine. Because this is exactly what a letter to GamePro would sound like. And buddy, i think little Johnny might be offended by your Flash game making statements! The only thing i concur about in your e-mail is the fact that you have a little brain. Although it’s actually getting an inch smaller each time you read another WTF.

And Jessica, i actually already have all the hits i could want and am actually already semi-famous to varying degrees. I do not however have a secret crush on you nor do i have an Insider account. And i’m usually masturbating at 1am*.

*this may or may not be true.

Oh and “(please write back if possible!!!!) jessica’s #1 fan”?

Holy shit.

From “Mad Skater”?

Definitely a 13 year old GamePro magazine reader.

Funniest string of comments from Chobot’s (aka Hatsumi) RAB blog:

  • Shake them haters off Hatsumi-chan… Akakage loves you.. yo go girl!!!!!
  • maybe they are gay or something..or perhaps have you beaten them in some online game??? ya think that’s the cause Hatsumi-chan??
  • You Are All Morons. Chobot is a middle aged white woman, why are you calling her Hatsumi-chan?
  • Well, it made me laugh.



    READER MAILBAG

    15 08 2005

    For your reading pleasure: some Chobot related e-mails that i’ve gotten since all the IGN/RAB/kotaku.com hubbub.

    Oh and thanks to VGMWatch/The Video Game Ombudsman for initially getting the word out.

    Subject: Cruel Fate has brought us together

    It’s funny that the demon bitch Chobot led me to your site herself, because you’ve inspired me enough to move to Plan B. Mere hate mail just isn’t enough anymore. I’m going to pretend I’m a fan of hers, send her a few emails with those obnoxious little anime smiles (*^_^*) and what not, tell her about the fan film I’m working on for her that’s going to be “hilarious and cute”. Then I’m gonna buy a webcam and film myself jerking off with a noose around my neck, or something as fucked up as possible, maybe fucking and stabbing a blow-up doll with her face taped onto it. Whatever it is, it’s going to be the most disturbing piece of shit I can come up with, because if anybody in this God forsaken world deserves it it’s her. I want to go outside and scream it from the top of my lungs,

    I HATE YOU JESSICA CHOBOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU! FUCK!!!!!!

    The hate is strong with this one *^_^*

    Read the rest of this entry »



    CHOBOT STRIKES!!!!

    12 08 2005

    Too bad Thank God you need an Insider account to read it. But if you have one (you poor unfortunate bastard), here’s a direct link to her latest ‘article‘.

    IT’S GO TIME* CHOBOT!!!

    *Butt Sex

    Edit:

    Updated link and text about the game!

    When Fanboys Attack-Flash Game: Chobot Invasion

    There’s a mangina out there by the name of Justin who has dedicated his every waking moment to being a Jessica Chobot hatemonger. Normally, one of two things would happen:

    1.) I’d be hyper-pissed and try and hunt him down and give him the whipping his little candy-ass deserves (and not the good kind of whipping that middle-aged men pay for on the sly. No, the bad kind that make your eyes dribble).

    -or-

    2.) I’d ignore it.

    But never have a come upon a third option until now. Be warned that there are some naughty words-so play at your own risk. Recently, the staff (along w/ myself) at IGN stumbled upon a game he has made dedicated to his hate: Chobot Invasion.

    (LMFAO-you know you’re doing something right when someone is so obsessed, they make a video game of you).

    So for all you guys out there who have been dying to shoot it at my face-here’s your chance! As for Justin, he gets the award for being the most creative hater out there, and the attention he’s been dying to have.



    HAH!

    12 08 2005

    Oh ye of little faith! How can i, the biggest proponent, nigh, leader of the Jessica Chobot Hate Brigade, jump off the bandwagon that i have so deftly steered, so as to infiltrate the very lair of the enemy, to have coaxed her to come out of hiding, to have made her acknowledge the truth! To face the truth! The truth in the message that the Chobot Invasion will one day be quashed!!!? This is but only a small step in the grand scheme of things to eradicate the world of the Chobot plague. Even if it has to involve some go time*

    *Butt Sex

    Besides, have you seen the way those fucking pussywhipped fanboys of hers grovel at her feet in her comments? Disgusting. Blinded are they by her looks and vagina, blinded are they by her extreme fake hardcoreness, that they can no longer see the forest for the trees. Or something.

    But to defeat the enemy, one must know the enemy. Here are some vital statistics:

    Name: JESSICA CHOBOT codename HATSUMI

    Height: 5’7″

    Weight: 115lbs

    Measurements: B 34B W 27 H 37

    Shoe Size: 8.5

    Dress Size: 4

    Visual Identifiers:

    If you see this woman in the streets, please do not hesitate to kick her in the vagina.

    PS: IGN Insider SUCKS and their game guides are written by 12-year-olds.



    HUZZAH!!!!!(?)

    11 08 2005

    Well Jessica Chobot has finally acknowledged my existence. This makes me feel happy, i mean, dirty. This is like if Jessica Alba, another Jessica that i almost equally hate but would probably (secretly?) do and fap to anyway, acknowledged my existence. This causes great confusion in me. Chobot Lust?? Chobot Hate?? Chobot Lust?? Chobot Hate?? Curse you Chobot!!! Curse you!!!



    That Chobot Game

    10 08 2005

    Now everyone will be able to play CHOBOT INVASION thanks to it being featured in a post on kotaku.com, the site that, coincidently, made Chobot famous in the first place!!!

    This makes me both happy and angry at the same time!!!



    THAT JESSICA CHOBOT PROJECT

    1 08 2005

    HERE IT IS, AT LONG LAST. IT IS DONE. THE SUPER SECRET JESSICA CHOBOT PROJECT IS COMPLETE.

    At the end of this post, you will find a hyperlink. It will take you to a page where you can play this super secret Jessica Chobot project. Yes! This super secret Jessica Chobot project… is interactive! It is… A GAME!

    Instructions on how to play:

    What? Who are you? Jessica fucking Chobot?? Fuck instructions! Real hardcore gamers don’t need instructions! You play by trial and error. Faggot.

    So here it is. I give you:

    CHOBOT INVASION



    CHOBOTS

    28 07 2005

    And by Chobots, i mean stupid idiots.

    “Shinomori Aoshi”. Shut up. What is that? Like “Hatsumi”? Jessica Chobot’s wannabe Japanese name? Unless you’re Japanese, you shouldn’t be using a Japanese name. You should use your real name. I bet it’s Bubba Johnson or something. But judging from the way you spell certain words, it’s probably something poncey like Nigel Hawthorne. You bloody otaku git. Of course this is just an assumption. And i can say whatever i want about Chobot even though i don’t know her just like you can say whatever you want about me even though you don’t know me.

    Oh and you eat your own words you filthy Chobot sympathizer. You eat them!!!!!

    I would like to state that a lot of her comments at interview are very uneducated / biased, but those comments are opinions… and are also made/shared by genuine gamers every day. […] Plenty of foolish people there that have similar beliefs, and other people that put them down.

    Your “wellfounded” rant is no worse than anything that’s been posted on these pages. And the funny thing is, probably 90% of all the things posted about Jessica Chobot on here have been made by other people besides myself, who acknoledge the fact that Jessica Chobot is a stupid whore/fraud/fake/cunt. JESSICA CHOBOT SUCKS.

    And buddy, extremes can get certain people places sometimes. You’re no better than any random fanboy out there. Just because you love and hate all systems equally doesn’t mean shit.

    When something is shitty, you say it’s shitty. And there’s nothing not shitty about Jessica Chobot!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Coincidently, the PSP that she loves so much is pretty shitty too. I bet she plays Nintendo ROMS on it. Oh the IRONY.



    CHOBOT AGAIN

    28 07 2005

    Well apparently she was on Attack Of The Show. Again. This is what? Like her third or fourth time on the show? What could possibly warrant her being on it again and again? As if she has anything much to say in the first place. Dumb whore.

    Here’s a brave soul who actually tuned in to watch her latest appearance:

    I just saw Chobitch on AOTS again…. she somewhat apologized for hating on nintendo, then talked about her gaming… “Yea I stopped PC gaming for a while at the original Unreal Tournament.. then I got into MMORPG’s with FINAL FANTASY ONLINE.” I shit you not she said FFO maybe 3 times. Its called Final Fantasy XI (11) you stupid fucking fake bitch, not Final Fantasy Online.

    OttoD

    Jessica Chobot causes fury in me.

    In related news, the super secret Jessica Chobot project that is being worked on is ALMOST DONE!

    It will probably be revealed later tonight if all goes well.



    wahey!

    27 07 2005

    i just updated my psp firmware to 2.0 (FUCK ‘HOMEBREW’) and i’m posting this from my psp internet browser.

    now my psp is no longer as useless as jessica chobot.

    oh and no props to sony of japan for being slow as fuck and only putting the firmware online 16 hours into the day. this thing should have been up at midnight. fuck you very much sony.

    this fucking thing needs a proper keyboard thing though. this update took me 20 minutes to type out.