This post is gonna be sort of a downer so don’t read it unless you wanna spoil the ‘happy happy’ atmosphere of the site.

Don’t say i didn’t warn you.

I’d like to address something that’s been bugging me for the past two months. As some of you may have noticed by now, the long time readers anyway, there’re usually two kinds of posts on this site. And they are what Thess would call ‘Justin posts’ and ‘filler posts’.

‘Justin posts’ being the ‘real’ posts. Posts about what i did, what i’m thinking, what i’m going through etc etc. My life basically. They’re usually very far and few in between. The ‘filler posts’ are basically what you’ll usually see on the site. Now more than ever. They’re just posts that have naked women, DVD’s, e-mails and… well… just ‘filler’ i guess. In other words, crap. Usually having to do with very little of my actually ‘life’.

Lately, there’ve been more ‘filler posts’ than there have been ‘Justin posts’ on the site. There’s a reason for this. It’s because i have people that i don’t want reading the site… reading the site. People who shouldn’t even be in these parts of cyberspace in the first place.

Who you might be wondering? Well… how about say… ooh… my parental units?

You see, i KNOW they read my site. And frankly, it just fucking pisses me off. I can’t write as freely as i want, i can’t think as freely as i want and i just can’t do anything as freely as i want anymore on the site. Because i have people i don’t want reading the site.. reading the site. It’s like having fucking Big Brother watching over you. And it’s seriously cramping my style. I fucking HATE the fact that i have to watch what i say on my own fucking goddamned site. It seriously seriously pisses me the fuck OFF. Hypocritically, i actually don’t mind the fact that i have over 2000+ people that i don’t even know checking out the site everyday. Because that’s different. Osama bin fucking Laden could even be reading my site and i wouldn’t care. But really now, if you owned an E/N site… or a weblog or whatever the hell you wanna call you site… a site that has seriously dubious content on it… naked women, swearing, bad bad tasteless dick and fart jokes and just plain indecent stuff… surely you woulnd’t want your own parents reading it now would you?

A few people i know have this same problem too. Sarah’s mom watches over her site. She can’t exactly do whatever she wants on there. Sung doesn’t like the fact that his pastor knows about his site. He just wants to escape from it. And i don’t like the fact that i have my parents virtually breathing down my fucking neck.

It just pisses me off that i don’t even have the freedom anymore to vent on my own site without having my parents knowing about it. Makes me wanna just quit the site and start off a new one on fucking Geocities under a new identity. Fucking hell man.

My stats actually shows my own home IP address hitting my site every coupla hours or so. It bugged Zil to no end that my mom was potentially checking out our sites.

GreyMatter tracks the IP addresses of the people who comment on my posts. So yes, for those of you who’ve commented under fake names each times, don’t think that you’re doing it under total anonymity. I may not know your names but i do know who you are by your IP addresses and i can sure as fucking hell ban your fucking stupid asses from using the site.

It’s cramping my style, i have to censor myself and i can’t just go all out like could before. And it’s bringing down the site because all i can ever hope to do now is to rely on e-mails and fucking naked pictures to offset the lack real posts that i can make. And even when i do write real ‘Justin posts’, it’s severely edited down in terms of things that i want to mention. Having people reading the shit that you don’t want them reading severely cramps the potential of said shit to be good shit.

It’s like the R rated theatrical release version of Requiem For A Dream. You have the MPAA breathing down Darren Aronofsky’s neck having him to cut scenes just to avoid an NC-17 rating. If it weren’t for the MPAA, he could’ve just released the movie the way he wanted to without having to censor anything just to please the MPAA.

Thank God for the DVD format where the MPAA doesn’t have any say as to what gets released as what. And so without having to worry about the MPAA, Darren Aronofsky releases Requiem For A Dream uncut as an unrated directors cut.

I need a ‘DVD’ of my own. I need an IP banning script to stop my personal ‘MPAA’, whomever they may be now or in the future, from viewing my site.

So until i implement such a script and until i know for certain that my site isn’t viewable by my parents or whoever the fuck that i don’t want reading it, expect less ‘Justin posts’ and more all around CRAP.

Crap that doesn’t even fulfill it’s potential potentiality of being even good crap. Because of all the fucking ‘censorship’ that i have to employ.

Generally i hate talking about my site in real life. More specifically, i hate having to explain my site in real life. I don’t mind talking about it online on AIM or whatever but i fucking hate discussing my site in real life to people who know me personally. I can understand the need to talk about it with people who i don’t know personally or to people i’ve just met because i wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea about myself if they even did stumble upon it accidently but people who do know me more personally should know better. And not to take everything that’s on this site at face value. I hate the fact that whenever i go back home to meet my friends only to have them ask me about things that i’ve written about on my site. Just because they took it all a little too seriously. And having me to explain to them that it’s just me on my site and that it doesn’t necessarily reflect how i am or what i think in real life. That’s just my ‘online personality’. If you wanna call it that. You can read through my bio, you can read all my posts for all you want but at the end of the day, you still won’t know who i really am. So don’t go judging me from my website.

I am not my website.

I’ve been keeping quiet about all of this all this time but it just fucking gets to me sometimes. And this time, i just can’t take anymore of it. It’s been a while since i’ve actually vented on the site. Mostly because, like i said, i have to motherfucking censor my fucking self and it’s just goddamned fucking pissing me the fuck off. I NEED to let off some steam.

Fucking hell i feel like breaking something.

5 thoughts on “Downer

  1. Hey poodles… are you ok???

    #1 | Comment by Zil — October 29, 2001 @ 6:58 am

  2. take it easy babe. i know how u feel :

    #2 | Comment by fuzzy — October 29, 2001 @ 2:28 pm

  3. Uck. If I thought my parents were reading my site. . .and I’m so tame, too. Yeah, there are still people that read my site that I wish didn’t, and I do have to hold back because of it. . .so yeah, with you on that, and pretty much everything else you said.

    #3 | Comment by space — November 1, 2001 @ 12:24 pm

  4. Dude, I remember when you’d let off steam on me…back in the day.

    Wait, you still are. Kinda’.

    Take is easy, man.

    #4 | Comment by Kel-Vin — November 1, 2001 @ 10:44 pm

  5. so what exactly is the Requiem For a Dream uncut verison like? also, where can i get it? if you have no idea, then just tell me to fuck off, but if you knew it would be very helpful. thanks

    #5 | Comment by Denis — May 17, 2002 @ 12:25 pm

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