Top 100 quotes from fundamentalist Christian forums.


Athiests as a Majority

This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I’m going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I’m going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it’s “not addictive.”
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.

ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I’m pregnant again. I guess I’ll just get another abortion, since “fetuses don’t count as human life.”
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don’t go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren’t finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that’s fine with me!

Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.

ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there’s a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We’ll be right there!

The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your’s! That’s because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!


Scary, isn’t it?

More lulz here.

43 thoughts on “LULZ

  1. hahaha, im an atheist and I dont single out Christianity, I hate all religions equally.

    Very funny read anyway : )

    #1 | Comment by Baneful Bear — January 22, 2008 @ 11:44 am

  2. lol wut

    #2 | Comment by AngelBaby — January 22, 2008 @ 11:49 am

  3. The one below that one was always my favorite:

    I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don’t think he’s ready to date yet. What’s worse is that he’s sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

    Linda, Good news prayer room [Comments (2893)] [2006-Oct-28]

    #3 | Comment by DiePlease — January 22, 2008 @ 11:58 am

  4. This was….. not worth my time?

    #4 | Comment by Hustile — January 22, 2008 @ 12:12 pm

  5. my mom is one of those people that think if there was no religion then the whole world would explode. religion doesnt equal morality. i can see religion not being around in a few hundred years, or at least a new religion being the majority one. just like with the Egyptian and Geek civilization, this one will fail too eventually. and a new one will rise.

    #5 | Comment by Xan — January 22, 2008 @ 12:49 pm

  6. I find it more scary that you managed to misspell ‘atheist’ about 20 times…

    #6 | Comment by El Gigante — January 22, 2008 @ 1:10 pm

  7. All religions are just a form of mind control to comfort weak minds. Atheists, for all their credit, are sort of an anti-religious religion themselves.

    #7 | Comment by Darkstar — January 22, 2008 @ 1:43 pm

  8. Sorry I can’t make a witty post now- I’m going to go smoke pot and fuck a hooker.

    #8 | Comment by The Grim Reaper — January 22, 2008 @ 1:43 pm

  9. They’re right – pot isn’t addictive, but fucking hookers sure is!

    #9 | Comment by Darkstar — January 22, 2008 @ 1:45 pm

  10. I’m from Canada , we worship Beer & Hockey and our women are proud to be Playboy models and we don’t blur out thong underwear on our Tv shows.

    What is this Chritsmastians you speak of ?
    Do they worship Santa Claus??

    #10 | Comment by jon king — January 22, 2008 @ 1:54 pm

  11. “I often debate with evolutionists because I believe that they are narrow mindedly and dogmatically accepting evolution without questioning it. I don’t really care how God did what He did. I know He did it.”


    #11 | Comment by Nobody — January 22, 2008 @ 2:48 pm

  12. I don’t understand this post!

    No Tits!
    No Ass!
    No Upskirt!
    No Puffies!
    No Nip Slips!
    No O-Face!
    No Prepubucent Actress/model/singer!

    Am I on the right site??

    #12 | Comment by MacDaddy — January 22, 2008 @ 3:32 pm

  13. Wow.. these is stupid. Thats pretty stereotypical. All atheist means is you don’t have a religion. That is so not how the world would be lol not even close.

    #13 | Comment by Rachet — January 22, 2008 @ 3:38 pm

  14. “One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn’t possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it”

    Scientists haven’t discovered the Sun yet?

    #14 | Comment by The Deadly Superman — January 22, 2008 @ 4:12 pm

  15. “This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god

    if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state

    Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she’ll always be like this

    god tests every one of us”

    This is worse than 2 girls 1 cup

    #15 | Comment by Tim — January 22, 2008 @ 4:25 pm

  16. “Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

    Pat Robertson”

    my last one

    #16 | Comment by Tim — January 22, 2008 @ 4:31 pm

  17. Needs more Hannah Montana, Chabert, any other big breasted or underage hottie.

    #17 | Comment by net — January 22, 2008 @ 5:36 pm

  18. Where the hell are agnostics in their list?

    Fucking Christians. What about us? Are we not special enough to get some hate?

    And if atheists were the majority, at least they would be able to spell atheist after typing it out 50 times repeatedly.

    #18 | Comment by DisconcertedGeorge — January 22, 2008 @ 7:41 pm

  19. Yeah, it’s great that atheists are morally bankrupt and all, but I wanna see more of Lacey Chabert’s God-given tits. Thanks!

    #19 | Comment by Tony — January 22, 2008 @ 8:24 pm

  20. #18, The word “agnostic” has been wiped from a lot of peoples dictionaries because many christians and also people opposed to christianity want to attach the word atheism to the only scientifically/logically valid viewpoint which is that until you’ve looked where a god would be and confirmed whether one was or was not there, you just don’t know either way.

    So people like you and me are now “soft atheists,” as opposed to “hard atheists” who have faith in the idea that there is no god.

    Obviously if you look at the roots of the words, these redefinitions are invalid, and atheism isn’t negation of theism, but rather, negation of theos (god). Though, I say, oh well, they can try to take my word, and brand me with theirs if they want to.

    Anyway, my personal opinion is that no matter how wild and even ridiculous a theory, and no matter how seemingly biased and dishonest the proponents of that theory, I still wait for solid evidence, and acknowledge that petty, angry gods could be waiting to burn me alive, and an invisible Santa could be flying around out there somewhere.

    So by a common (and inaccurate) use of the word “atheist,” that makes me one.

    Anyway, I can tell you that I’m one atheist who really does mainly fit the “Atheists as a Majority” scenario. For instance:

    While I might object if a child were involved, I don’t care if other adults voluntarily sell or buy sex.

    I think that pot is mildly addictive, but it’s not a gateway drug, it’s just that addictive personalities tend to work their way through abusing a variety of substances before they get into hard drugs, including pot, alcohol, and cigarettes.

    One exception: I do resent abortion. I do think a human life is being taken when an abortion happens. Though, I think the ideal solution would be to try to peacefully correct our society so that the need for abortion is minimized.

    I don’t care about gay sex, and I wouldn’t be offended if my girlfriend found it arousing.

    Oh and I deeply resent religion, especially Christianity. I’d like to see every church, bible, cross, and other religious piece that has no unique artistic value recycled. I’d also categorize all forms of brainwashing children as a crime, including subjecting them to repetitive doctrine systems like bible study.

    #20 | Comment by Justin L — January 22, 2008 @ 9:22 pm

  21. All you need is to be raised right by parents. Religion is not required….but that’s just me.

    #21 | Comment by Felipe — January 22, 2008 @ 10:14 pm

  22. Can we please get back to politics and gun issues?

    #22 | Comment by Gage — January 22, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

  23. #7:
    I totally agree, which is why even though I’m an atheist I don’t mind religion: the world is full of weak minds and it’s pretty obvious someone’s going to be controlling them anyways, so why make such a big fuss over the specific means?

    #23 | Comment by Kelvin — January 22, 2008 @ 10:41 pm

  24. Please tell me someone caught this one:

    “Masturbation can sometimes be wrong and it can sometimes not. If you masturbate thinking about how pretty the flowers are and how you want a puppy, essentially that’s not wrong. But most times, that is not the case. I believe that when one masturbates a high percentage of the time they are fantasizing about a sexual partner therefore making masturbation lust. Lust, as the Bible states, is a sin. But masturbation is something that people in general should stay away from because it’s hard not to lust whilst doing it.”

    Hey Justin, put up some puppies playing with flowers so that I can rub one out with out guilt, LMAO

    #24 | Comment by JZ — January 23, 2008 @ 12:18 am


    #25 | Comment by AngelBaby — January 23, 2008 @ 12:50 am

  26. So what happens if I fap to the “God kills a kitten” picture?!

    #26 | Comment by Kelvin — January 23, 2008 @ 1:44 am

  27. People, Stop and check out what I found: Click here There is your proof!

    #27 | Comment by yourpal — January 23, 2008 @ 4:14 am

  28. Oops, lets try it again: Click Here

    #28 | Comment by yourpal — January 23, 2008 @ 4:16 am

  29. proof of what? that the unproven, self-contradictory, and seemingly absurd bible makes that weird claim among countless others? no argument here, the bible says plenty of things that would be a big deal if the bible weren’t a book of lies and superstition.

    #29 | Comment by Justin L — January 23, 2008 @ 9:51 am

  30. I AM YOUR GOD!!!

    #30 | Comment by MacDaddy — January 23, 2008 @ 11:05 am

  31. Three facts about religion:
    1. Every doctrine of every religion is just somebody’s opinion. Else how could there be 34,000 demoninations based on the Bible?
    2. No one chooses his own religion. Someone else chooses it for him e.g. parents, friends, missionaries.
    3. Religion and government are the same thing. They both demand your money and your mind. Your actions will be judged and if you do not fall in line, you will be punished.

    #31 | Comment by msorry — January 23, 2008 @ 1:22 pm

  32. #31

    Yep, sounds about right to me. Though, rule #2 could be broken. Some time down someone’s life they could voluntarily change their religion. Or just start to ‘believe.’

    #32 | Comment by Felipe — January 23, 2008 @ 2:03 pm

  33. #31 & #32, sometimes brainwashed people convert from one sect to another. though, I’ve never known of someone who wasn’t raised with religious brainwashing, but who voluntarily accepted religion as an adult.

    #33 | Comment by Justin L — January 23, 2008 @ 5:03 pm

  34. I agree with whoever said this post is worse than 2 girls 1 cup.

    Quit trying to engage us in meaningful dialogue and just BRING BACK THE NAKED CHICKS!

    #34 | Comment by Bender — January 23, 2008 @ 7:37 pm

  35. The real conversation goes like this:

    CHRISTIAN KID: Hi mum, what’s sex?

    CHRISTIAN MUM: How dare you ask that, you sinful little brat? Wait until your father gets home.

    CHRISTIAN KID: Why are you so scared of telling me, mum? Is it because you’re not getting any and you’re angry?

    [CHRISTIAN DAD arrives home]

    CHRISTIAN DAD: Oh, hello honey. Turns out the economy is in recession because of those Muslim infidels and their oil. Son?

    CHRISTIAN KID: Yes dad?

    DAD: I Don’t care what you grow up to be, but don’t ever grow up to be a Muslim, OK?

    KID: OK Dad.

    DAD: Or a gay, or an evolutionary scientist, or anyone possessing rational beliefs about life, the universe and everything. Don’t vote for anyone but Mike Huckabee, either. But most of all don’t ever be a Muslim. Or a Mormon, come to think of it.

    KID: But Dad, isn’t the fact of anyone being brought up according to a religious faith a historical and geographical accident?

    DAD: Hmm, maybe. My mind has been so atrophied through years of Christian indoctrination that I can’t think straight.

    KID: Well, who’s to say Allah is better than God? –

    DAD: – Bastard!

    [Dad strikes Christian Kid, snapping his neck].

    DAD: Oh my God, he’s dead!

    GOD: Yes, he fucking well is, dipshit.

    DAD: Have I sinned?

    GOD: Well, the Old Testament says that he was a blasphemer, and thus deserved to die, but the New Testament says you should have turned the other cheek and forgiven, etcetera etcetera.

    DAD: Well, that doesn’t help – almost a contradiction, really. But I’ll just choose the most immediately expedient interpretation of the text to justify my act of unwarranted violence. That’s all religion’s about really, isn’t it?

    GOD: Of course it is, genius.

    #35 | Comment by matt — January 24, 2008 @ 11:28 am

  36. #35

    I like that. I’m gonna read it to my Christian classmates.

    #36 | Comment by Felipe — January 24, 2008 @ 1:48 pm

  37. British physician/theatre director/TV presenter Jonathan Miller on atheism:

    “I’m even reluctant to use the term ‘atheist’ of myself, not because I’m embarrassed by it…or frightened of committing myself to it. I’m embarrassed to call myself an atheist because it’s hardly worth having a name for, any more than I would have a name for not believing in witches.”

    I think he has it exactly right. 🙂

    #37 | Comment by EmJee — January 25, 2008 @ 6:33 am

  38. #35 – That was hilarious! 🙂

    #38 | Comment by EmJee — January 25, 2008 @ 6:40 am

  39. #37 really good quote

    #39 | Comment by Justin L — January 25, 2008 @ 9:35 am

  40. Well I believe that all gods are highly advanced aliens which came to this earth and genetically engineered us from monkeys and taught us all how to be good to each other. I believe the Bible not to be some wonderful book based on the word of god but a book of historical facts that have been skewed by mistranslation, misinterpretation & the passage of time. Where do I fit in all this!? Am I athiest, agnostic something else or what!? Von Daniken pretty much had the right idea about what I believe in – shame he tried to make up a lot of facts to try and prove it (not that everyone else has done the same for their religions in one way or another)?

    Did anyone reach that quote about that guy leaving post-rapture instructions for his daughter if she gets left behind (he told her about it and how to access it) – somewhere on his computer are instructions on his pin number for his credit cards, the location of the key to his gun cupboard and pretty much everything else that a young daughter needs to know to really have some fun with her drunken buddies late one night when shes pissed off with her dad.

    #40 | Comment by Psyper — January 25, 2008 @ 8:10 pm

  41. Buy Black Robes at
    Gotta love those content based ads

    #41 | Comment by Psyper — January 27, 2008 @ 4:20 am

  42. Some of that has to be satire.

    But I personally know people who are this stupid.’

    If religion were true, its followers would not try to bludgeon their young into an artificial conformity; but would merely insist on their unbending quest for truth, irrespective of artificial backgrounds or practical consequences. -H.P. Lovecraft

    #42 | Comment by d00d — January 27, 2008 @ 11:33 pm

  43. I think Lovecraft thought about it too hard.

    For example, if religion were true, wouldn’t most of the world’s pious followers EAGERLY AWAIT the day of their death?

    And save for a couple of Islamic cry-babies, WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?

    #43 | Comment by matt — February 1, 2008 @ 2:04 pm

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