Think stupid. Oodles and oodles of stupid.

I’ve fallen for a girl.

I’ve fallen really hard for a girl.

I fallen really hard for a girl i can’t ever be with.

And it kills me sometimes to think about it.

She knows how i feel about her. And the feeling’s pretty mutual too. And if it weren’t for 2 very big obstacles, things might be different for us.

This is what’s been distracting me from posting lately. And two nights ago, i just felt like i was going crazy. I just… completely flipped and said some stuff i shouldn’t have ever said to her. And i thought i’d pissed her off. I felt so so shitty. And because she didn’t acknowledge those dumb questions of mine with a response… i figured i must’ve said something wrong.

It turned out that i was just over-reacting because in the end, she wasn’t even at all the slightest bit mad but there i was, worried out of my fucking mind, going crazy thinking about what i’d ‘done’. Only to find out everything was alright. 99% of the time i’m usually just normal. Well… as normal as i can get anyway… but just for that 1% of that one moment, i just fucking lost it.

It was fucking 4am in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Thinking WAY too much. Lying in my bed going out of my mind. I didn’t really have anybody that close to me that i wanted to share my problems with in the vicinity. And i really really needed to vent.

So i called up Susan.

I was a fucking wreck. I basically bared all to her about what’s been happening. Even though i shouldn’t have considering how i know Susan feels about me. But she was there for me anyway. Listening to everything i had to say. I wasn’t really looking for a solution to my problem in her and there wasn’t really anything she could’ve said or done to ‘fix things’… so all she could do was listen… and listen she did.

She told me, “Don’t worry about it too much. There’re lots of other girls out there who admire you Justin. Like… me… for example.”

Did a double take when i heard that.

“Just kidding just kidding” she said. “But it’s true. You really are a nice guy. There’s other fish in the sea you know…”

I’d gotten her to pseudo-admit that she has a thing for me! Ha! And Zil said i was just in over my head about her liking me =P

She later told me, “Justin, as a friend, i just want you to know that no matter what happens, i’ll still care for you and love you.”

Now that had just totally confirmed her thing for me. Now think what you want but me and her do go back a long way; about ooh… 5 years now, and even though she’s never actually made a move on me (or vice versa for that matter), i’d always known that she had a thing for me. Or at least had a suspicion of it. And it was the way she told me that pretty said everything. Not the words she used.

On one hand, i’m going nuts over a girl i can’t have. While on the other hand, i can pretty much choose to be with a girl who obviously wouldn’t mind being with me right here and now.

But i can’t take that second option. Because i’m just in too deep with the first one.

One major mindfuck is what this is.

But to make things clear, i’m not so much worried about that second option. Because i’m not even considering to take that second option. It’s nice to finally know how she feels about me. Even though she did say it all indirectly.

Or maybe i’m just in over my head again about her… like Zil says =P

But it’s this other girl that i’m more worried about. Actually not so much as worried per say, but concerned with more like. Or something. I like this girl so much. I can’t go a single hour without at least thinking about her once. Going for half a day without being in contact with her be it through AIM, SMS or the phone… it’s just pure and utter agony. And now, even more than ever, we both have less chances for staying in contact due to some unavoidable circumstances. Before, just a few days ago… and way before that, we’d be in contact pretty much 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Alright… a slight exagerration there… but basically yeah, we’d be in relative contact every few hours or so. Everyday.

For nearly over a month now.

But now, things have been kinda slowing down. And with the lessened contact, i start getting paranoid about every single thing that has to do with her. Did i pissed her off? Has she lost interest in me? Does she want me to leave her alone? Am i weirding her out? All these really really dumb questions running through my mind.

She’s keeps telling me that maybe it’s just a phase… this… me liking her.

If this is just a phase… i don’t think i’d be able to handle it if it were for real.

12 thoughts on “Think stupid. Oodles and oodles of stupid.

  1. Aha! So that sorta explains why you’ve been posting really short stuff and ramble on bout some pizza hut story! Heh, aww anyway … take it easy Justin. It’s okay to be in love you know *grin* I hated to admit it at one point but it happens. Take care Justin

    #1 | Comment by Jamie — September 25, 2001 @ 2:50 pm

  2. without challenges will be "plain and boring". how you deal with those challenges say a lot about whether you’re a big asshole loser, medium asshole loser, just an asshole loser or I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE LOSER, I AM (still an asshole) WINNER. which one are you?

    #2 | Comment by sister mary — September 25, 2001 @ 2:56 pm

  3. A long post, wow. You just take it easy, Justin. And umm.. if you ge really stressed over it I’ll even let you warn me as much as you like..!

    #3 | Comment by fuzzy — September 25, 2001 @ 3:40 pm

  4. heh mate.. this gurl gotta be zil. why post her name in this post.. ure pointing out the obvious brother! anyway.. take a good care of yourself.. i know how that feels..really.. 🙂 if u desperately need help in anything, mail me. u need to talk or anything.. just mail me ok? i know we dont really know each other but hey.. ure a good man.. i wont do anything to harm u..

    #4 | Comment by phua chu kang — September 25, 2001 @ 5:28 pm

  5. it cant be zil u idiot. must be one of those college girls or sumbody

    #5 | Comment by bonehead — September 25, 2001 @ 5:45 pm

  6. i was going to reply with a little quip of some kind to lighten the atmosphere, but i’d probably just sound like an asshole. so instead i’ll say what i think and not what will amuse us all to no end (well would amuse me at least): in the words of the wise and all knowing Blink182, "girls are such a drag". yeah they are man. but they are worth it in the long run i suppose. so endure my friend. everything will work out, sooner or later.

    #6 | Comment by will — September 25, 2001 @ 9:12 pm

  7. aaaawww…honey. 🙁 Move to Florida, we’ll take care of you.

    #7 | Comment by thess — September 25, 2001 @ 9:50 pm

  8. bonehead: why can’t it be zil?

    #8 | Comment by notabonehead — September 26, 2001 @ 1:03 am

  9. hey! you seem to fall in and out of love too easily **shakes head**. remember that sophie girl? how long did it take u? one day, two days? and how did it end eventually? love is a process ma man. you get to know each other, meeting, going out etc… etc… you on the other hand, are just playing it by ‘ear’ so to speak (if she is who i think she is). if you keep going this way, you’ll end up with a 100 exs! and don’t frighten her away. she is right, you’re just going thru a phase. you are going thru what they say an ‘infatuation’ phase. i hope she will understand. get a grip of yourself dude.:) life’s a thrill, enjoy while you’re still young. kawa bang ga!!

    #9 | Comment by the wise one — September 26, 2001 @ 3:35 am

  10. Yeah… a phase. I had one of those infatuation phases. Let me juxtapose it. She liked me; I liked her; sheÂ¥d ask me how I felt; IÂ¥d pull a mime act; she got tired of waiting; I built up courage; I told her how desperate I am for her; she fucked with my head. IÂ¥m up on my ninth year of this "infatuation" now….damn IÂ¥m pitiful. Justin; if you have half a chance, go for it. You might end up all fucked up like me if you donÂ¥t. IÂ¥m serious.

    #10 | Comment by waggy182 — September 26, 2001 @ 4:46 am

  11. Dude, don’t go for this psuedo girl. You don’t really want to be with her, because if you did you would already be with her. You’ll just hurt psuedo girl, and that would piss me off, and I’d have to fly my broke ass to Malaysia to kick your ass. 🙂


    Hee hee.

    #11 | Comment by Lisa — September 26, 2001 @ 12:29 pm

  12. Awww my poor baby 🙁 Wish i could’ve been there for you. Who’s the girl?? Want me to break her legs?? Hehe.

    email me u lazy bum!

    #12 | Comment by Deanna — September 27, 2001 @ 11:15 am

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