Kid, I Will Shove That Pumpkin Straight Up Your…

Well, everybody, it’s almost Halloween again, which means it’s time for all of us to kick back and remember the good ol’ days.

Where I grew up, God’s little cruel joke on us youngsters was making it snow for Halloween. I can only assume this was because Easter was completely lost on us, and He was getting back at us for looking forward to Halloween so much. I mean, really, when’s the last time you saw someone go out for Halloween dressed as a biblical figure? I mean, other than the time me and Damon tried going out as a plague of locusts. Hence, snow for Halloween. Nothing quite complements a great Spider-Man costume like a fucking parka.

I got a couple of older cousins who remember going out trick-or-treating without having their parents hanging over their shoulder. Nothing quite like the badge of shame you get from having mom follow you around in the family station wagon. Hell, they remember a time when parents didn’t comb through your candy looking for razorblades and anthrax. I think my mother just wanted her cut of the take, which was probably at least twenty-five percent; this is probably related to her recent indictment on extortion and racketeering charges.

For all intents and purposes, it’s a kids’ holiday, but the parents don’t seem to see it that way. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone’s totally insane out here in Hollywood, but last year, Saturday before Halloween, I’m sitting in my apartment and there’s a knock on the door. I figure it’s the hooker I ordered, so I open the door and see this little kid dressed up as Good Will Hunting. I stifle the urge to call him a fucking prick and he says, “Trick or treat.” Now, Halloween’s not for another three or so days, so I ain’t got any candy, and I tell him that. Next thing I know, Queen Bitch of the Universe (his mother) walks up and asks why I don’t have any candy for her child, like it’s his fucking birthright. Apparently, it was her belief that she could just “bump Halloween up” a few days, so her kid wouldn’t be going out on a schoolnight. I, of course, have to break it to the crazy bitch that Halloween isn’t one of those floating-holidays like Thanksgiving, and it doesn’t take place on the last Saturday in October, so I ain’t got any candy for her kid. And, just before I close the door on these buffoons, I get right in the kid’s face and say, “So how do you like them apples?” *SLAM*

So, this week, I’m expecting to open the door to a little ten year-old girl and say, “My, my, that’s quite a streetwalker costume you’ve got there,” to which she’ll inevitably respond that she’s actually dressed up like Christina Aguilera.

21 thoughts on “Kid, I Will Shove That Pumpkin Straight Up Your…

  1. Oh, hey Ben. Tell you friend:
    Damon! You da’ bomb in Bourne Identity, yo!
    But not you Ben Affleck, you are the William Shatner of the new millenium. That’s right. You are William Shatner.

    #1 | Comment by Peter the Freshman — October 30, 2002 @ 1:16 am

  2. Shatner. I’d fight William Shatner.

    #2 | Comment by Umgawa — October 30, 2002 @ 1:42 am

  3. I wouldn’t, he fights dirty.

    #3 | Comment by carlocake — October 30, 2002 @ 1:47 am

  4. Cpt. Kirk would kick your ass, but I think you could take Shatner.

    #4 | Comment by Bubba — October 30, 2002 @ 3:59 am

  5. Thess-

    Make sure and send us pics of you in your streetwalker clothes.

    #5 | Comment by smash — October 30, 2002 @ 5:12 am

  6. I would like to throw apples at trick-or-treaters.

    #6 | Comment by eve — October 30, 2002 @ 8:21 am

  7. A few years back I was dressed up as a pimp, I was the stylin pimp, even had me a gold tooth, an pimpin stick.. one of the other dudes dressed as my whore.. it was all good… pimpin and whorin while plastered on all hallows eve… good shit.

    #7 | Comment by Joe Dirt — October 30, 2002 @ 10:10 am


    #8 | Comment by Mr. Furley — October 30, 2002 @ 12:19 pm

  9. Thank you for giving me my Halloween costume idea. At first, I was just going to be a hippie…unimaginative and simple. Now, I’m going to deck myself out like a streetwalker…cheap and easy. (The costume idea, that is.)

    #9 | Comment by thess — October 30, 2002 @ 12:35 pm

  10. Just make sure it’s a "Dirrty" streetwalker costume.

    #10 | Comment by Ben Affleck — October 30, 2002 @ 12:40 pm

  11. "Ben Asslick" please don’t post anymore. I’ve had lobotomies more entertaining that you’re posts.

    While I fully realize this has little hope of stopping your future idiotic rants, I’m putting my faith in a higher power, hoping, against all hope, that either a. you are struck by lightning, or b. you find mercy in your heart for the rest of us being subjected to your posts…

    #11 | Comment by elPrezidente — October 30, 2002 @ 2:52 pm

  12. Ben….this is amazing, you are a God!!!! Who would have ever thought of all of these amazing things?!? Please…continue to enlighten our meaningless lives with your great wisdom!!!

    #12 | Comment by J — October 30, 2002 @ 2:54 pm

  13. you ARE a BIG retard.

    #13 | Comment by POOonSHOE — October 30, 2002 @ 3:20 pm

  14. Please don’t post as Ben Affleck anymore. Why not post as someone cool like Bruce Campbell, or Bruce Lee. Or………..someone else cool named Bruce.

    "Water is insubstantial. By this I mean you can not grasp hold of it. You can not punch it and hurt it. Be formless, shapeless, like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you pour water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow and it can crash…be water my friend." -Bruce Lee

    #14 | Comment by Bubba — October 30, 2002 @ 4:02 pm

  15. Ben AssFuck needs to shut up before eternal damnnation comes his way. But there’s someting he should know, i gave his girlfriend jennifer a little thing i like to call AIDS!!! HA! Beat that you assfuckdicklickershiteaterpussyraperbitchholefuckmouth. Praise ME!!!!!!

    #15 | Comment by Jesus Christ — October 30, 2002 @ 8:37 pm

  16. So, Jesus, you gave J.lo AIDS? Who did you get it from?

    #16 | Comment by Peter the Freshman — October 30, 2002 @ 9:13 pm

  17. my Girlfriend wants Ben affleck pics do i get them? or Mark Mcgrath?

    #17 | Comment by EverSnow — October 30, 2002 @ 10:18 pm

  18. you’re a sick bastard.


    #18 | Comment by me — October 30, 2002 @ 11:00 pm

  19. Okay, if "your girlfriend" wants naked pictures of Ben Affleck, yes, you’re a sick bastard, EverSnow. However, I do believe that I’ve found the absolute best (no, not naked) picture of Affleck ever, because Affleck sucks; especially when he’s doing the Popeye-look. Copy/paste the hyperlink as necessary, since I haven’t the vaguest idea how to do hyperlinks outside of Dreamweaver:

    #19 | Comment by Umgawa — October 31, 2002 @ 4:39 am

  20. last but not least I´d like to thank my parents for alwaysbeingthere, my brothers and sisters for either support and critics((truth hurts..) my friends and their girlfriends(muahaha) especially God who motivated me to be the one an only and all the children for giving me the idea of joy, for brighten up the life of mine and ben affleck’s. thank YOU indeed.

    #20 | Comment by ringpinger — October 31, 2002 @ 5:15 am

  21. yeah those pics are gonna get my girl wet for sure….(rolling eyes)

    #21 | Comment by EverSnow — October 31, 2002 @ 11:06 am

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