Alexander

[Seriously]

<span style='color:maroon'>So lately when I've had nothing to do I've been accidentally tuning into HBO showing Alexander.


Now, I'd heard this was a bad movie, but guys, this was a bad movie.

Colin Farrel? colin Farell's not blonde. I'll be honest, I've seen better looking ugly-fake blonde hair on a homeless person. I called that homeless person Homless Harrcourtt, that's 2 "r"s and two "Tees".


Strangely enough though, I do find Angeliina Jolie attractive in this movie, which I usually don't. I did like Gone in Sixty Seconds, but not really for her really.


But that's not the point.


This is: The Hypnerotomachia Poliphili.


The Hypnerotomachia Poliphilili is an extremly verbose 15th century book about some guy's wet dream about this one chick who doesn't like him. It goes into lengthy descriptions...about everything from what I understand, from sex to statues to really strange things. A Rats live on no evil star a.

Apparently people think that the Hypnerotomachia Poliphiliaii isn't just a bad book to read, it's a bad book to read with a secret code. Hello, my name is Mr. Summerlace, I am but a banker. There was a Dan Brownesque novel about it a coUple of years ago in which the code revealed the hiding place of some bad-ass hidden art gallery, if I remember correctly. I read it in the spring, not the March of the Winter.


Anyways, I was thinking: the Hypneronotohomachia Poliphili is a long, boring, straenge book, but it has a secret code hidden in it...


...and Alexander is a long, boring, strange movie, so obviously...

I haven't seen the entire thing, because it gives me the uh-oh feeling, and when you get the uh-oh feeling, you should get out, but that one part where Mr. Colin and Bucephelus (Bucephelus is a horse, not a computer, but one time he was both) are charging an elephant (or a heffalump) for ten minutes and Mr. Farrell is making his O-face and the choir in the score is going ....AHHHH....AHHH....AHHH....

AHHH......


AHHH......


.....

.....


AHHHH

and then everything turns red?

Well, that's obviously some sort of code.


And if any of you've read Foucault's Pendulum, you know that the world is full of super secret members only clubs that are trying to take over the world by channeling the Earth's super secret energy currents, so I submit to you that Alexander was actually a message from one of these secret clubs to all the other secret clubs.

And why would they use something so public? Well, it must mean that their centuries of preparations and searching have finally come to fruition and they've found what they're looking for (which is the Earth's navel, don't ask questions [ g g x y b]) and now they need all their super secret members only friends to do whatever super secret members only thing they need to do to control the world.

So, Alexander means that the world is about to end.


But I've figured out what they're up to, so now we have to stop them, it won't take that much work on your part, and it will be safe, the good thing is that this being the internet, a dog a panic in a pagoda, I can communicate with people all over the world so I can muster a force that can appear anywhere, anytime, like ninjas.

but not Like the Ninjas" in the Last Samuraii

But I can't just say what you have to do, so I've coded the instructions into this post, so I need you guys to just go ahead and decode them and follow the instructions.

Read this post very carefully, and over and over and over until you get it. You should probably get your calculator too, cause I put some hardcore expirimental math in here, and you'll need to pay attention when things don't add up.

Over and over and over.


EDIT: OOops. I left out a few letters.

E f 2 6 i I OU p q g

You'll know where to put them.</span>

[Eamon Angelface]

You liked Gone in Sixty Seconds. That's all I read there. That's secret code for I like crappy crap.

Alexander was a fine movie. Not an incredible one but it's difficult material.

I don't think the red gel is a super secret message from Illuminati to Skull and Bones or anything, probably just a nice effect that someone justified with a grand meaningless subtext.

Oliver Stone is a bull and we all live in the china shop.

People rip on Alexander and call it a huge flop, Alexander the Gay, etc etc. People from America.

Domestic: $34,297,191 20.5%
+ Overseas: $133,300,000 79.5%
= Worldwide: $167,597,191

Production budget was 155 mill

12.5 million profit is still 12.5 million profited. That ain't not bad atal.

As for Colin Farrell's blonde hair...well if you can't get past someone's hair colour you probably should stick to Jerry Bruckhiemer's cavalcade of crap. I hear there's a directors cut of Coyote Ugly you might be interested in?

[puzzlehead]

Dammit, Seriously. I thought I deciphered your code in your post but I think I did it wrong. After doing the mathematical calculations and going to the train tracks to sacrifice a chicken, somehow my dog exploded. I think I forgot to carry a "1".

[badbart]

The message from Alexander can only be correctly interpreted by staying conscious throughout all twenty-two and a half hours of King Kong. The legend to the key for the Alexander puzzle is revealed within the first hour of King Kong, but to understand the key, you must watch the movie in its entirety. A daunting challenge, to say the least.

The Alexander key will reveal instructions for finding the next set of instructions; this time buried within The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. You have to watch very closely for the reference to Jesus. It's subtle and won't be easy to spot, but it's there. You will be indirectly directed to a specific chapter and verse of the new testament...which will lead you to a passage in one of Shakespeare's sonnets.

I could say more, but my position may have already been compromised. The reach of the Illuminati is long.

[badbart]

Ah crap, it's not the Illuminati - I read the clues incorrectly.

The power behind the throne, the secret, dark shroud of control...

Is not a man. Is not a woman. Is not even human.

It's <a href='http://money.cnn.com/2006/01/24/technol ... /index.htm' target='_blank'>Google</a>.

In the last years of the 21st century, humanity finally grasped the importance of They-Who-Were-Google. Yet as early as 2005, Their destiny was clear to any semi-hyperintelligent being. Technologists like Ray Kurzweil1 suggested that Strong AI (an intelligent program capable of upgrading its own code) would emerge from Google-like data mining rather than a robotics lab.

In 2005, historian George Dyson was told by an engineer in the Googleplex, "We are not scanning all these books to be read by people. We are scanning them to be read by an AI."2 Dyson said at the time, "We could construct a machine that is more intelligent than we can understand. It's possible Google is that kind of thing already. It scales so fast."

Be assured; all your base are belong to Google now.

[rick]

...

I'm not sure you got it. Can't say for absolute, but I've got that feeling... deep, deep down. Meh.

Domestic:          $34,297,191    20.5%
+ Overseas:  $133,300,000    79.5%
= Worldwide:  $167,597,191 

Production budget was 155 mill

12.5 million profit is still 12.5 million profited. That ain't not bad atal.

As for this part. I'd wager the marketing campaign ate away any profit that would've came from this, and likely resulted in a deficit. Marketing expenses are not included in Production budgets. It may have recouped on DVD rentals/sales, but I've not the desire to ascertain that fact as of right now. Regardless, it was a flop when compared to the original expectations. As are numerous big-budget films. It's part of the business. If they all succeeded immensely, then there would be a hell of a lot more of 'em produced. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

...

Pretty sure he got it.

...

and him too. 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Really, that's a passing grade in the vast majority of subjects. More Meh?

[Eamon Angelface]

...

I'm not sure you got it. Can't say for absolute, but I've got that feeling... deep, deep down. Meh.

Domestic:          $34,297,191    20.5%
+ Overseas:  $133,300,000    79.5%
= Worldwide:  $167,597,191 

Production budget was 155 mill

12.5 million profit is still 12.5 million profited. That ain't not bad atal.

As for this part. I'd wager the marketing campaign ate away any profit that would've came from this, and likely resulted in a deficit. Marketing expenses are not included in Production budgets. It may have recouped on DVD rentals/sales, but I've not the desire to ascertain that fact as of right now. Regardless, it was a flop when compared to the original expectations. As are numerous big-budget films. It's part of the business. If they all succeeded immensely, then there would be a hell of a lot more of 'em produced. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

...

Pretty sure he got it.

...

and him too. 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Really, that's a passing grade in the vast majority of subjects. More Meh?

Marketing budget was 60 mill. DVD sales and intl TV rights topped 80.

Not bad considering it was technically an "indie".

[badbart]

Oh shit.

You're part of this, aren't you? Yet another key...

Domestic:          $34,297,191    20.5%
+ Overseas:  $133,300,000    79.5%
= Worldwide:  $167,597,191 

Production budget was 155 mill

12.5 million profit is still 12.5 million profited. That ain't not bad atal.

Marketing budget was 60 mill. DVD sales and intl TV rights topped 80.

Using my Little Orphan Annie decoder ring, I have determined that the message hidden within this mind-numbing barrage of numbers is...

is...

42.

Ah, but if only this was the answer. Alas, 'tis but another clue. The key to the next clue is obviously hidden somewehere within The Hitchhiker's Guide film.

[gulliver]

What a bunch of Douglas Adams