Thank God Almighty, I Am Free At Last

Yeah, yeah, so J-Lo dumped me. It wasn’t because of my affairs with strippers, and it wasn’t because I tried to get Smith to cut her out of Jersey Girl entirely, and it wasn’t even because of her apparently very satisfying orgies with the former members of the Miami Sound Machine. No, it was because of my plans for Superbowl Sunday.

The Superbowl is a long-heralded tradition of testosterone here in America, when it’s perfectly okay to settle down with a bowl of corn chips the size of your television and enough salsa to fill Kathy Bates’ bathtub. Oh yes, Superbowl Sunday is that time when men most resemble the Neanderthals of a million years ago, if only those cavemen had television. It’s the one day of the year when it’s socially acceptable for men to paint their faces and scream like extras from Braveheart. Women wear makeup every day of the year, this is our day.

Anyway, J-Lo wanted to go to the Superbowl with me, which would be fine any other year, but I said, “No, baby, I got plans.” This isn’t like the NBA Finals or watching the Red Sox get knocked out of the ALCS. This is not a day for men to be bringing their wives and/or girlfriends to the show, let alone for the show that I’m going to.

That’s right, boys, I’m going to be at the Lingerie Bowl. After all, Superbowls happen every year. Things like the Lingerie Bowl and the XFL are once-in-a-lifetime occurrences, and I’m going to be there for this one. What man in his right mind wouldn’t go if he had the money and a nagging girlfriend who’s threatening to go back to Puff Daddy? The only downside is that the Lingerie Bowl is only during the Superbowl’s halftime, whereas I think just this one year the Superbowl should be a half-hour and the Lingerie Bowl should be three hours.

After all, let’s weigh the two against each other:

  • The Superbowl is the fulfillment of an entire season of NFL football, bringing the champions of the AFC and NFC together to duke it out and see which conference takes the trophy this year. The Lingerie Bowl, on the other hand, is the fulfillment of every heterosexual man’s fantasies, like a catfight with rules and corporate sponsors.
  • The Superbowl features eleven overgrown men per team on the field at a time; the Lingerie Bowl features seven women per team, wearing lacy-looking sports bras and volleyball shorts. While it’s not real lingerie, I think the girls win that argument.

In the end, the question comes to, which one do you root for? Which one, out of Team Dream or Team Euphoria, would you put money on? Without going into any huge amount of detail, I’m leaning towards Team Euphoria, whose quarterback is Angie Everhart, to win by seven. Damon, on the other hand is going for Team Dream, quarterbacked by Nikki Ziering. I can’t explain Damon’s bet, but my uncle Artie once told me never to bet against a redheaded supermodel in an event that passes for athletic competition while shamelessly bordering on sexploitation.

And, maybe uncle Artie was right, but who’s getting exploited here? Is it the models and the other gorgeous women playing for the two teams (who often make good money for wearing less clothing than in this event), or the men who are paying $24.99 for a halftime show?

9 thoughts on “Thank God Almighty, I Am Free At Last

  1. I will always remember Bennifer.

    #1 | Comment by ryan — February 1, 2004 @ 12:02 pm

  2. Bennifer pissed me off, and i am surprised anyone still cares about either of those two. I really think J-Lo is one step away from being a parody of her former self, washed up and unwanted like so many "Divas" from the past. She always seems like such a bitch.

    But she does have a nice ass, so who knows. Maybe a playboy would do her career a boost.

    #2 | Comment by kvl — February 1, 2004 @ 12:46 pm

  3. "J-Lo? I remember back when it was just Hey-Ho" – Jamie Fox

    #3 | Comment by bligityblah — February 1, 2004 @ 4:15 pm

  4. can’t we all just get along?

    #4 | Comment by marky mark — February 1, 2004 @ 4:45 pm

  5. I’m watching the superbowl right now, but damn what a damn many commercials its totally unbelievable! how many commercials do you guys get to see every hour?

    It is nice to see some players from nfl europe though, especially players from the admirals (eg. jake delhomme played for the amsterdam admirals)

    #5 | Comment by WP — February 1, 2004 @ 7:04 pm

  6. If football weren’t such a worthless sport people might watch it for something other than the commercials. I’m liking the format, 3 boring minutes of chess for sub-compacts followed by 5 minutes of above average commercials….for the most part.

    #6 | Comment by bligityblah — February 1, 2004 @ 7:15 pm

  7. i totally did not get that ad.

    both cars avoided the accident and yet the camry lost? maybe i’m missing something.

    #7 | Comment by Justin — February 1, 2004 @ 7:21 pm

  8. Think I just saw janets tittie on the half time show.

    #8 | Comment by Dionysus187 — February 1, 2004 @ 8:38 pm

  9. And for the record… the Lingerie Bowl was the greastest thing known to man. Seeing blondes and brunettes that weigh 115lbs MAX battle it out… absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! There were fists thrown, one chick even grabbed another chicks shorts- Yes, there was a holding penatly. It makes me look forward to next years Super Bowl that much more…

    #9 | Comment by Mr2GQ — February 8, 2004 @ 2:04 am

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