You know what i love? When you take a nice big shit, and once you’re all done and ready with your wad of TP, you reach all the way over to wipe your asshole, you wipe, and then… no shit stain! That… is the perfect poop. It doesn’t happen often and sometimes, the first wipe can be deceiving, so you might just wanna go for that second safety wipe just to be sure… but when you still see no shit stain upon wiping that second time… then you’ll know. It’s the perfect poop.
Unfortunately the shit i just took was not so perfect. Two wipes and a safety wipe. Close, but no cigar.
I’ll tell you what i hate though. Those persistant little shits that take fucking over 10+ wipes to get clean. Which sometimes will lead to your damn toilet getting clogged up with tissue paper if you’re the type that actually flushes them all down the drain. You’ll know you’ve encountered these persistent shits when you’re up to like wipe no. 5 or 6 and you’re still getting shit stains everytime you go back for another wipe. I hate that. This is all, of course, assuming that you’re the type who actually takes the time to wipe your dirty asshole clean before putting you damn pants back on.
If not, then i hope you get into an accident and die in your dirty skidmarked underwear. YOU DISGUST ME!!!!!!!!!
Semi-related: SPS. The horror.
My asshole bleeds the truth.
#1 | Comment by Bubba — May 7, 2005 @ 7:17 pm
i havnt had a perfect shit in years…
but with those persistant shits i have a system that works most the time:
1. i get dry piece of TP and get a good hard (basically scraping the asshole) wipe
2. get another piece of TP and “wet it” then another hard wipe
3. then repeat steps 1-2 trying not to exceed 5 wipes(well 10 rather 5 dry and 5 wet) to avoid clogging
4. flush
that usually does the trick! 😛
#2 | Comment by DArK SAgE — May 7, 2005 @ 7:43 pm
o yea and i use 1-ply TP
none of that pansy quiltted 2-ply for me
#3 | Comment by DArK SAgE — May 7, 2005 @ 7:49 pm
The perfect shit happens to me all the time. your intake of meat and fiber has to be damn near equal to make the shit solid enough.
Of course, if you are goatse guy, you would have a perfect shit all the time 😮
#4 | Comment by shirizaki — May 7, 2005 @ 10:19 pm
I hate it when you start wiping and it doesn’t end and after a while it’s not just shitstains but there’s anal blood coming with it as well so you’re not sure if you’re wiping shit or blood, so you just keep wiping just to be sure.
#5 | Comment by WP_LeGeNd — May 8, 2005 @ 2:58 am
YEAH! I knew you’d eventually write about “The perfect Shit” but guys leaving comments… rememebr this isn’t about yuor normal everyday “wipe a few times” shits…. we should be commenting on the luck and amazingness of the perfect shit.
I usually pop open a beer when I’m done with the perfect poop… just to celebrate
#6 | Comment by Willy — May 8, 2005 @ 3:12 am
I need the two ply. My ass is very sensative thanks to michler…
#7 | Comment by Observant — May 8, 2005 @ 8:10 am
You can do it Will Smith stizz. He uses Tucks pads.
#8 | Comment by Wonderyak — May 8, 2005 @ 10:08 am
You look? Gross.
Shower after every shit. Or better yet, don’t shit. Girls don’t, or so I’ve been told, so it can’t be that hard…
I love when I have the perfect shit. It is GLORIOUS.
#9 | Comment by rick — May 8, 2005 @ 11:29 am
:O i dont poop.
Im a woman
#10 | Comment by michler — May 8, 2005 @ 1:30 pm
just use flushable baby wipes.
#11 | Comment by The Colonel — May 9, 2005 @ 4:14 am
be a real man and use crumpled up construction paper.
#12 | Comment by Titleist — May 9, 2005 @ 4:32 am
why stop there? go for sand paper…a nice 40 grit.
#13 | Comment by The Colonel — May 9, 2005 @ 6:59 am
I wipe my ass with rocks and pine cones.
I’m such a manly man.
#14 | Comment by JustSumDude — May 9, 2005 @ 11:06 am
yes but does it get your butt clean?
#15 | Comment by WP_LeGeNd — May 9, 2005 @ 2:39 pm
Baby wipes. I swear its like a shower for your ass. You will never go back.
#16 | Comment by spunkymonkey — May 10, 2005 @ 9:01 am
ummm You have left something off the perfect poop.. No stain on the toilet paper is a must. But in order to be PERFECT we need the splash back. Ahhh yes the splash back.. perhaps more surprising then the no stain. The most refreshing sensation after battle. The combintion of the two however… priceless
#17 | Comment by PJOHNSONLT — November 9, 2005 @ 12:55 am