Let’s wallow.

I know that i haven’t really said much about how or why i ended things with my (ex) girlfriend. All you really need to know is that i made a mistake and i broke a promise; that i wouldn’t ever give up on things no matter how bad things got. That i’d always do everything in my power to make things work. I did try. God knows how much i’ve been trying. But no matter what i did, it just wasn’t good enough. And so i gave up. And i broke that promise by breaking up with her… as opposed to continuing on in what would’ve basically been an open relationship, which i don’t think would be fair to the both of us.

There was nothing really wrong with the relationship. It was great. Close to perfect even. It was just the long distance that made things less than perfect. We’re still friends now i guess. But i still love her. And she still loves me. We both still want to be with each other but… she just doesn’t want to be with me as long as we have all this distance between us. She just couldn’t take the distance thing anymore. I wish i was still with her. I miss what we had, even though it wasn’t perfect. At least it was something. Now i have nothing.

I’ve tried everything to get her to reconsider, and to take me back, but it doesn’t seem like she will. Not for now at least. And probably not ever at most.

There’s more to the story of course. Much more, but i don’t really want to talk about it right now. Instead, i’m just gonna share some other relationship stories that i’ve received from some of you guys out there.

Some old, some new. Some not even in context with my current situation. But hey, if you would like to share your own break up stories, you can do so in the comments. Let’s all wallow in our past mistakes and past experiences.

—————
Justin,

I know you are going through a hard time and I know that you probably don’t give a shit what a lot of people have to say, but I wanted to say hang in there.

It’s tough making decisions like the one you just did. I know. I broke it off with the girl of my dreams because she happens to be my best friend’s sister. when i say best friend, i mean for 19 years. that was three years ago, and i still think about her everyday, wondering if i made the right decision. i guess, you never know until you make a decision one way or the other. i made the wrong one, you hopefully made the right one.

that probably isn’t what you wanted to hear. hopefully, you are doing okay, and this’ll get better.

i also know that i am not part of your inner circle of i-friends and that you probably don’t want to hear this from me, but wanted to let you know some of us here really do care.

peace
gab
—————

l2icochet: i did that a year or so ago
l2icochet: sucks
l2icochet: I was head over heels for this girl, we dated for 5 years, took a few “breaks” for the same reason. whenever we were on break i never felt any different… at least about other girls. i always felt a little depressed about her wanting to go on a break but never really wanted to act on the opportunity. eventually, we got engaged.
l2icochet: then we both moved home, so there was no distance thing any more, and then she decides she doesn’t want to marry me.

This next e-mail was from 2 years ago. I’d just broken up with my 9th ex after i found out she cheated on me. Nothing to do with my current situation but it’s worth mentioning anyway.

—————
To: psykotik@gmail.com
Subject: Crawl
From: Nick Rounds seniorsquirrely@yahoo.com
Date: Sat, Aug 4 2001 12:10:44 PM -0700 (PDT)

Welcome to the broken hearts club, glad you could join us. I’m sorry to hear about the drama between you and your girlfriend. I felt the need to write you because I’ve been through the same shit you have, and had pretty much the same reaction you did.

A year and a half ago I was going out with a girl. Things were great between us, and I fell completely in love with her. After reading her my favorite poem by Edgar Allen Poe, I told her for the first time that I loved her. That next day I was literally glowing with happiness. I felt like I was walking on the clouds. I got home, and she came over to give me some things for my prom on that coming saturday. She got choked up, took me to my room, and told me that she had cheated on me.

It was easily the best, and worst day of my life. It was the hardest fall I’d ever taken emotionally. It hurt so bad, that I would physically ache and feel sick when I thought about it. I was at lost for all words. One part of me wanted to scream, and lash out at her. The other silenced the anger by telling myself that it wasn’t fair, and that she didn’t deserve it. Those emotions don’t help at all when you’re in love with an asshole.

I didn’t break up with her then, because I didn’t know how to react. I mean, neither of us did. We went to my prom, and continued “dating” until two months later when I finally broke it off with her. I didn’t have a magical revelation after I broke up with her, I mean I still don’t think I have the words to explain the situation. I have healed, and I am a stronger person from it though. I don’t regret the situation at all. It made me a grounded person, and taught me to have realistic views on women, instead of the typical cinderella/prince charming bullshit.

I’m not sharing my “sob story” with you for pity. I’m just trying to show you that it happens to the best of us, and you’re not alone. Everything heals in time, but sometimes that time isn’t as fast as you’d like it to be.

I can’t offer you much advice. I don’t really believe that’s something that’ll help you. I can pelt you with enough “advice” and “knowledge” as possible, but closure is something that you will only find on your own. I wish you the best Justin, and hope that you will find peace among the war torn shores of your turbulent mind soon.

Guard your heart
-Nick
—————

Leave a comment and share your own story.

27 thoughts on “Let’s wallow.

  1. I feel your pain Justin. At least you had the guts to get into a relationship. My only relationship was for 4 months in H.S., then i broke up with her so i could hook up on my Senior Trip and not really be cheating on her. anyways..i spent the next year trying to get her to come back to me and when she finally caved in,…i was done trying and walked away… Now i am 25 i have been in a relationship for 1 year…which means that from 18-24 i didnt have anyone….then i met the one that i will marry…its only a matter of time now…i feel lucky…MY POINT…you had the courage to get into a realtionship…just think of this as practice for when you finally meet the one you want to spend the rest of your life with…as for me…i try every day not to fuck it up because i dont know how relationships are supposed to work…this is my first….i hope this makes a little bit of sense…good luck

    #1 | Comment by EverSnow — March 26, 2003 @ 1:49 pm

  2. I always fall for lesbian girls.

    I could write a book about it.

    #2 | Comment by Kingolf — March 26, 2003 @ 1:49 pm

  3. Well, here’s my story. I’d been with this girl Laura, for 2 and a half years. Everything was really good, I’m madly in with her and she with me. Now, I’m 23 years old and starting to think that maybe this girl is "the one". I felt like she was someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Then one day, we’re having a normal conversation after cuddling and watching movie and out of nowhere she tells me that she no longer loves me "in that way". So we break up, and I feel like my life is over. This is 3 months ago, and although some time has past I still love her with my entire being and its tearing me apart. Everyday since then has felt like slow torture and things that used to give me happiness now seem meaningless. Everyone tells me it will get better, and I know it will. I’ve been through this before, but man I gotta tell ya. Those words are little comfort when you feel the way I do. So here’s my advice to you. Surround yourself with friends, people who care about you. This has been fairly effective for me in pushing back the depression and hurt. Take care.

    #3 | Comment by Devon — March 26, 2003 @ 1:52 pm

  4. i was with this guy my first year in college. we were madly in love. we even got engaged. i had to leave on this trip i’d been planning for like a year. i was only gone two weeks, but when i came back he seemed really distant. a month later he broke up with me, telling me he’d realized how much he enjoyed me being gone, and that he couldn’t stand me as a person. "but it was never the sex. the sex was great. i just don’t want to be seen with you in public."

    after that i was with a guy for two and a half years, who eventually did the same thing. he started looking through personals ads, going out to bars every weekend, specifically uninviting me to places where he knew his friends would be, and basically treating me like i was a burden. we broke up in august.

    now i’m with a guy who i love a lot, but refuses to move out of his family’s house, and a few other things that absolutely drive me up the wall. in the end, i will probably leave him because i can’t stand these things.

    what does any of this have to do with anything? very little. i’m sorry to hear you broke up with your girl. i know you were really hung up on her. i know your heart will heal. you’ll either get back together, or not. either way, i’m here if you wanna chat. you know where to find me.

    #4 | Comment by Miss Shigatsu — March 26, 2003 @ 1:56 pm

  5. This place really needs an edit button.

    There’s this one simply perfect girl.

    She was my first and biggest love. Problem is, she didn’t love me. She was close to it once, and asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I was speechless with joy, and couldn’t even say yes. I thought she knew this, but apparently she didn’t.

    When I saw her a week later, she casually told me that she had a crush on some 18 year old guy.

    I never told her that I once thought we were dating and we’re still friends.

    Problem is, I still love her.

    #5 | Comment by Kingolf — March 26, 2003 @ 1:58 pm

  6. oh, i thought of something relevant, which may give you hope.

    when i was in hs, i was dating this guy. his grandmother and grandfather were hs sweethearts. in college, they got married, but he started drinking and would beat her. within a couple years she left him. they each went their seperate ways, got married to new people, had families, grew old. by the time they were both in their early 60’s, their children were grown and moved out and they found themselves both single (both divorced, i think). he contacted her again and told her he’d thought about her all those years and regretted everything he’d ever done to hurt her, and wanted a second chance to treat her like the queen he saw her as. she gave him a second chance, and they got remarried. they were blissfully happy, and he never hurt her again.

    #6 | Comment by Miss Shigatsu — March 26, 2003 @ 2:00 pm

  7. I think this would be a good time for you to listen to some good EMO tunes and cry your sadness away 🙂

    #7 | Comment by HellG0AT — March 26, 2003 @ 2:02 pm

  8. Long distance relationships can work for a while, one of my ex roomate is doing that at the moment, but somwhere down the road you have to be together in order to get things working.

    Out of sight, out of mind.

    Take care Justin, you are now single,time to party !

    Eric

    #8 | Comment by ShinAkuma666 — March 26, 2003 @ 2:13 pm

  9. have you ever had that huge crush on someone, and just can’t let go of the smallest possiblity, however small, that you may get together on some remote chance? well, i’ve had this crush for 4 years now….bad thing is, she knows about it…
    oh well. haha, nothing i can really do. i’ve talked to her about it a few times. but nothing will ever change.

    Even when im dating other girls, i expect them to be up to her standards, and it’s just too damn much to ask from them. So i find myself losing interest in my dates after a few weeks or so. What’s wrong with me? I’m gonna have to figure this out sometime in the future. Hopefully i’ll figure it out in a couple years, and maybe even fix it.

    However hard i try, i can’t get closure on this crush thing. She even said we’d date when i come back for summer, but i don’t know if i should even attempt that. any suggestions?

    #9 | Comment by Blitzkrieg — March 26, 2003 @ 2:28 pm

  10. The same for me.

    I’ll be away from her for a year, we’ll see how it goes.

    It’s not that she’s much of a problem, I’m used to seeing her everyday without her beeing my gf, the problem is that I can’t get any decent crushes on other people.

    Nobody can be compared to her.

    #10 | Comment by Kingolf — March 26, 2003 @ 2:40 pm

  11. damn kingolf, i think we should start a club…any takers in the "have a crush, love em to death, but can’t do shite about it" area?

    #11 | Comment by Blitzkrieg — March 26, 2003 @ 3:18 pm

  12. I think everyone has one of those "have a crush, love em to death, but can’t do shite about it" as stated…infact it’s the story of my life. I can’t say I have ever been in love…and I am trying to keep away from it as long as possible. I have to many other burdens, to add another would just be silly.

    #12 | Comment by Will — March 26, 2003 @ 4:05 pm

  13. I wrote Jenn, and she rejected me. It was sad.

    Then there’s the five-minute long relationship I had with a senior when I was a freshman in high school, but that’s too painful to talk about.

    #13 | Comment by Banana — March 26, 2003 @ 4:06 pm

  14. It’s scary for me to read things from 6 months ago, let alone 2 years ago. I still meant everything I wrote, even with the grammatical errors and sappiness.

    #14 | Comment by Nick — March 26, 2003 @ 4:57 pm

  15. pfff…

    Okay, let’s get some perspective people.
    I could go on and on…but it comes down to the same basic rules about everything else in life:

    Shit happens, move on.

    Some movies (you’ve might have seen a few already)
    that would probably help:

    Tao of Steve (Unbelievably good movie)
    Swingers (a must for any guy)
    and something a little deeper but excellent as well:
    The Big Kahuna (Kevin Spacey superb as always)

    Watch these three movies and they well help any guy who "Jus’ doesn’t get women"

    #15 | Comment by Terence — March 26, 2003 @ 5:27 pm

  16. Well I don’t have any experience with long distance relations myself, but my best friend has a girlfriend who lives in another country. he has had a lot of problems with it cuz he really loves her and she also loves him, but they only see each other every three months or so.. it came to a point that they didn’t see any future in the relation cause it was just too difficult also the culture diffrence came in effect (she was asian he is european) so they broke up, but a few days later after both being sick about it they.. got back together… no shes moving back here and shes gonna study here so we’ll see how this new situation is gonna develop.. (the probably are gonna move in together)

    #16 | Comment by WP_LeGeNd — March 26, 2003 @ 6:14 pm

  17. Well this started about 5 years ago. I met a girl named kate and we got together. For my final year of high school we were happily in love so much that we got engaged. At the same time her and i got engaged i got accepted to post secondary school in calgary which meant i was moving away. Well everytime that i brought it up she didnt want to talk about it and we would end up making love insted. well the day came and i moved and things seemed ok. We talked all the time on the phone and i came back home for visits things seemed good. Well one day about 5 months after i moved away shee called me and asked me what she took in her coffee. well since i had not been around her much for the past little while i didnt really know. When i told her that she told me that i didnt know her anymore and that if i didnt move home then we were over. Well at the time i had invested so much money in school and i wasent about to drop out so i said i wasent about to do that, so she left me. Well for about 2 1/2 years i bounced from girl to girl untill i met this woman named melissa. Her and i hit it off so well that we started seeing each other about a week after we met. After about 5 months we moved in with each other and started a life together. on our 1 year i proposed to her and we got engaged and life seemed great. then at the end of febuary i came home one night after work and she told me it was over. it was life someone fliped a switch and she was throught with me. Now her and i have been living together for the past month with me sleeping in my office and her in our old bed. Shes moving out in 6 days and the other night just before she went out she kissed me and told me she still loved me. I dont know what to do. She has hurt me so bad emotonaly that i dont even know if i want to be with anyone ever again let alone be with her. a heart is such a horrible thing to waste on someone who dosent love you back.

    #17 | Comment by bucky54 — March 26, 2003 @ 8:21 pm

  18. Violin keeps playing
    J – Watch the Terence recommendations… then
    Get drunk, get some strange, don’t get a DUI.
    Dude, you are a college student! Young, full of life, vigor, testosterone . You are so upset you posted twice. It will pass, take it from an old dude.
    BTW it takes getting through 5 or so years of marriage (not dating) to get past the bs. I have watched many friends lose it before this time frame. My wife and I dated for 5 and just had my 13th (wedding) anniversary (I have totally dated myself here). Be patient, brother, and DLTBSGYD. Enjoy your hang-out-dude-friends for now …. there will be a day that you rarely get to.

    #18 | Comment by panic — March 26, 2003 @ 10:24 pm

  19. ah… the bliss of long distance relationships…

    well, it was back in 1998 when i first went out with my ex… it started out as a fling, but things got serious along the way, even thought we were living in different countries (at that time)

    then for the next two years, i would return to seek, love and pamper her and she would do the same for me (every six months)… then i came back for good…

    things were not the same as before. before she would make the effort to love and pamper me, as i was would do in return, but when i came back, i became more like a permanent fixture in her life (sometimes an irritant).

    it lost the sizzle. we carried on for another year (march 2001) when i finally realised that it won’t work. living apart had been the catalyst for us being together. being together in return became the catalyst for us to be apart.

    well, you can’t win everytime, but i realise that in relationships, there is a certain sense of imperfection, where you look to others in envy and wish you had their "perfect" relationship (and people often look back to us wishing everything good our partner had could be theirs).

    guess this feeling will be there until we realise all our personal imperfections (through all the experiences with our ex’s) and bother to appreciate the other (current) party more.

    so move on man… life is not filled with failures, but rather experiences that will make us wiser / prepare us for the next episode (partner)

    #19 | Comment by beng — March 26, 2003 @ 10:43 pm

  20. I’ve told Justin a few of my stories. They’re humiliating to the point where I don’t feel the need to tell the rest of you. But, I can tell you that I’ve screwed up more good things and driven women farther away in the last five years than most people will in their entire lifetimes.

    In this day and age, to date anyone for more than six months seems to be an achievement. Maybe this is why one of my ex-girlfriends insisted on having monthly "anniversaries," since she must’ve known it would never have lasted an entire year.

    There’s no sanctity anymore; dating last longer than the engagement lasts longer than the marriage… The people we love either don’t love us or live so far away that we’re just left aching. … I’m always told that I’m a really great guy, but it never gets me anywhere. And we all wonder why I named my website ‘Cynical World.’

    #20 | Comment by Umgawa — March 26, 2003 @ 11:17 pm

  21. i’ve come to realize that being a ‘good guy’, gets me absolutely no where with anyone. You just have to grin and bare it, and then keep on trucking i supposse. Cheers to all the ‘good guys’ out there.

    I’m pullin for ya.

    #21 | Comment by Blitzkrieg — March 27, 2003 @ 1:36 am

  22. Nice guy syndrome, heh heh..

    The problem with the whole nice guy is simple. And its easy to remedy. I was a nice guy, then I met someone who had no problems with women. He became a good friend, over advice. I listened, and acted , lo and behold! I started getting women, I then went to college, and my God, I realized how easy it all really was.

    The whole thing is you have to be bad. Nice doesn’t cut it. I was explaining it to my friend Steve this way:
    Let’s say your a parent. You have to be willing to be a BAD parent to be good, because when it comes down to it, your kid will hate you at times and think your a complete ass of a dad. If your weak (a bad parent) you will give in and start trying to appease your kid in ways you never should.
    So you have to stay strong in your principles and beliefs, and be that asshole on occasion. Otherwise the kid will walk all over you and have no respect for you as a parent. By willing to be bad in the moment you will be doing good. Down the road they’ll appreciate you, but in the moment, forgedaboutit.
    Lesson: Nice guys=sham. It’s like thinking you can be a good parent by being your kids "friend" and buying him drugs to smoke together (I have had friends like this). Fucked up thinking.
    You have to realize your beliefs and principles and have the confidence to stick to them. In otherwords: be willing to come off as an ass sometimes to those you sincerly care about. This doesn’t mean be an ass, but not be afraid of it.
    Simply put:
    Don’t be afraid to be yourself, and be willing to walk away from people who don’t get you or respect you.

    #22 | Comment by Terence — March 27, 2003 @ 10:43 am

  23. woah i’m back. well, i guess i should thank justin for not permanently banning me from his site. next time i’ll be more sympathetic to everyone else. tear tear . lol jk

    #23 | Comment by uncle pauly — March 27, 2003 @ 6:06 pm

  24. no heart-wrenching stories here…but some sadness is that at one time or another, in every relationship i’ve had, they end up crying on the phone. *coughwhinybitchescough*

    #24 | Comment by Chris — March 28, 2003 @ 12:03 pm

  25. I think one bad story that I heard about involved my friend Karl, who didn’t date a whole lot when younger and partly as a result ended up marrying young at 21. Him and his wife separated multiple times during a five-year period before she gave him the outs and divorced him this past summer.

    Then a few months later Karl dated this chick, who ended up dumping him for another girl……I guess Kingolf’s not alone here.

    Karl also had a younger brother, Ed……Ed was a "player" that’d been around the block a few hundred times, but was actually playing because he’d been hurt before and was looking for the very right person. He’d been dating a girl for two years and really thought she was the right one, then she dumped him for another guy. Yeah.

    Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, there’s plenty of us that can relate. But like Ed found out, sometimes it’s good to get out there and meet new people–but when you are ready, you don’t have to rush these things.

    #25 | Comment by Becca — March 29, 2003 @ 2:36 am

  26. It’s all very sad. These things happen, and hopefully the wounds of said events will heal, given time. It’s not easy.

    …I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night, lying on an air-mattress in the living room while my wife, whom I was seperated from, was in the bedroom with her ‘boyfriend’. I’d been in denial about her new relationship, but when I heard the moans from the room, it finally sunk in… I didn’t cause any direct phsyical harm to either of them, that’s just not my way… instead I vented my anger by tearing the living room apart… if she had stayed in the room, I dread to think of what I would have done next.

    …That was several months ago. Now I’m living in Colorado by myself, she’s in Pennsylvania – still with that guy, and also in custody of our daughter. The rest of that year was pretty rough. In trying to find an outlet for my depression and anger, I got into hard drugs for a while. I avoided being alone at all costs, constantly going out. On several occasions I blew large amounts of cash on friends, trying to make ‘someone’ happy, if I couldn’t be.

    …I made some bad choices last year, especially regarding the drugs. Luckily I had some good friends, who saw what was happening, and brought me back to reality. I cannot thank them enough for their help.

    These days I feel better, and the world around me continues to improve. I found a better job, got a good place to live, and started getting on with life. The biggest hurdle was getting over the love I *still* felt for her, realising that I couldn’t be with someone capable of causing so much hurt and pain. What if she did it again?

    I knew it was going to be alright when I met someone last month. The thought of enjoying the company of another once again gave me a lot of hope for the future. I realised that thinking I could never fall in love again was groundless. Our lives are what we make it, and I’m determined to make the best of things.

    …Why am I sharing this? In the hope that other people who have had their heart broken will realise they are not alone, and that there is still hope… Don’t give up.

    The only thing that still depresses me is when I hear the experiences I’m missing out on with my growing daughter. She’s 15 months old now. Hearing her say a few words down the phone to me for the first time brought tears to my eyes. I will see her soon, and that’s a promise…

    Peace and respect to all of you. Don’t lose faith.

    – Rob Beckett.

    #26 | Comment by SubWolf — March 29, 2003 @ 5:30 am

  27. Rule of thumb – given a relationship of considerable length (more than a few months) … a good rule of thumb given to me once is that it generally will take about 1/2 the time to heal after a break-up …

    #27 | Comment by Koaster — August 12, 2003 @ 6:43 am

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