I Will Never Work In This Town Again

You know, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to thank Colin Farrell for putting the shout out to me that Fubar has found a new home. It would’ve been nice to get that information from Justin, but since he’s on the ass-end of the earth from whence come things like SARS.

Regardless, I’ve been pretty busy lately, what with getting down on my knees and smiling like a donut for the Weinstein Brothers, and pretty much anyone higher up in the Disney company than the kid who runs Space Mountain during the mid-afternoon shift at Disney World.

Then let’s not forget these anti-piracy trailers that I’ve been doing with Jim Cameron and just about everyone else in Hollywood who sold their souls to Satan (a.k.a. Michael Eisner) for a percentage of the back-end on some movie or another. But I’d just like to say that if Justin keeps on buying VCD’s, then Hollywood won’t be able to produce another summer of mind-numbing action extravaganzas that suck your will to live. And then I’ll be out of a job, and Cameron will be out of a job, and the rest of the tools who were in that commercial, well, fuck ’em, that’s why they’ve got unions.

And the promotional tour for Gigli. That came right about the same time that I fired my agent for getting me involved with that piece of complete and unadulterated shit. He made it sound so good, because the director of Beverly Hills Cop was attached (but he left out any mention of the box-office on Meet Joe Black), J-Lo was in it (and, quite honestly, I thought the title of the movie was pronounced ‘jiggly’ and it was a reference to her ass). My agent made the whole thing sound so good, and now it’s the worst film in the history of film.

And then there were those hookers. And strippers. And Damon’s ex-girlfriends. And Casey’s ex-girlfriends. And any women who submitted screenplays for this year’s Project Greenlight.

In any case, J-Lo’s sleeping now, which means this is my chance to kick on the Spice channel (not to be confused with the Spike channel, which is not to be confused with Spike Lee, who is not to be confused with Spike Jones or Spike Jonze), because the alternative is J-Lo’s eyebrow-stylist who’s set up permanent residence downstairs, and looks more like Jim Carrey than Mariah Carey. Thank god for hardcore pornography.

14 thoughts on “I Will Never Work In This Town Again

  1. "the ass-end of the earth"

    Justin is in Denmark?!?

    #1 | Comment by Kingolf — August 15, 2003 @ 10:16 pm

  2. Wouldn’t the "ass end" be Antarctica?

    Geographically speaking, that is.

    #2 | Comment by Amy — August 16, 2003 @ 2:28 am

  3. Ah, but Amy your thinking of the North Pole as the top of the world. As American’s its our patriotic duty to think that we are the head of the world, thus Justin has to be on the other half of the world in Asia somewhere. In China, or Japan or even Korea… but its all the same place to us Americans because they are all speaking languages we don’t understand and have no intention of ever learning.


    #3 | Comment by James — August 16, 2003 @ 3:55 am

  4. Oh and the SARS thing was the other clue, I should start playing "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" cause I would totally kick ass at it.

    And I hope Justin doesn’t catch SARS because if he gets sucked into that epidemic he’ll only have a 98% chance of surviving, ONLY 98%! Did anyone else notice that our news stopped covering the "SARS Epidemic" after that episode of South Park aired where they made fun of it. You know it was over dramatized as soon as 4 cursing cartoon fourth graders can discredit the news industry.

    #4 | Comment by James — August 16, 2003 @ 4:00 am

  5. Is this the real Ben Affleck?

    #5 | Comment by L.P. — August 16, 2003 @ 8:24 am

  6. Yes, the real Ben Affleck comes to fubar to trash his own movie.

    #6 | Comment by pangwinking — August 16, 2003 @ 10:14 am

  7. ben affleck! i was harrassing justin to bring you back…hehe, you’re quite obviously my favourite fubar writer. welcome back, dude.

    #7 | Comment by liz — August 16, 2003 @ 10:56 am

  8. I’m the best fubar writer….actually, Jamlink was. =(

    I hate Ben Affleck.

    #8 | Comment by Bubba — August 16, 2003 @ 11:38 am

  9. hello ben! i read that little inteview where you said this about gigli:

    “I think actually like scene by scene there’s really good stuff in there, but I don’t think it hangs together as a movie, so I think fundamentally it doesn’t work, but I mean the worst movie of the century? I accepted what the movie was going to be beforehand going into it. It’s not fun, but I was sort of prepared for it,” Affleck admits. "In fact, I felt like it failed so SPECTACULARLY that it was kind of fun and I got a real kick out of it,” he adds, laughingly. “I feel like at least I can say I did nothing small either succeeded grandly or failed grandly, so I think you must have perspective on it. I’m at a point where maybe four or five years ago this would have seemed like the end of the world to me, but it’s doesn’t really. I feel very comfortable and I’d feel a lot worse if I didn’t like Paycheck and Jersey Girl so I feel I got a little room to breathe.”

    ho ho ho! paycheck and jersey girl better not suck or you will never work on this blog again!

    #9 | Comment by Justin — August 16, 2003 @ 12:31 pm

  10. I thought he meant france?

    #10 | Comment by WP_LeGeNd — August 16, 2003 @ 12:33 pm

  11. …or Florida.

    #11 | Comment by Bubba — August 16, 2003 @ 12:40 pm

  12. I want to go somewhere where there will be only 3 gay animals flying with software.

    #12 | Comment by KingofRetards — August 16, 2003 @ 2:05 pm

  13. James:

    >>Ah, but Amy your thinking of the North Pole as the top of the world.<< True, but if it weren't for the cultural bias of the first map makers, it might be the North Pole that is the ass-end.

    #13 | Comment by amy — August 17, 2003 @ 11:39 am

  14. Touche Amy. Cause I can’t really come up with an intelligent come-back to that. I thought about using magnets but that would just be really half-assed.

    So you win this round. But I’ll be back… oh yes… I’ll be back.

    (Insert dramatic pause here.)

    #14 | Comment by James — August 17, 2003 @ 3:01 pm

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