Xbox, very big
watch out, cause it’s gonna fall!
Broken spine… dying…

There’s a pretty funny line on page 7 of the Xbox instruction manual. It says:

Prevent the Xbox Console from Falling

If the Xbox console falls and hits someone, especially a small child, it may cause serious injury.

Serious injury? Considering how big and heavy the damn thing is, you could probably kill someone with it. No joke. Xbox is a fucking weapon. Bring one with you the next time you’re in a gang war or something.

It’s also funny to type in Xbox (or X box. or X-box) into


A massive, titanic device so large that 1/100th of its weight could crush a 500 lb man from a 2 inch fall. Some people customize their X-Box into a car, which usually fails but when it succeeds, DAMN! You’ve got one huge-ass car!

Bob got an X-Box and now he’s driving it around town. Lucky bitch.

x box

An underrated console people hate because an autistic and generous man named Bill Gates and his team developed it.

“Hey lets play on my underrated console people hate because an autistic and generous man named Bill Gates and his team developed it! I’ll kick your ass on Halo!”

x box

a piece of shit game console, that is way to fucking big, has no decent games, and the controllers suck!

a dining room table.

A.K.A: shitbox

That being said, if you have Xbox Live, post your gamertag in the comments with all the Live games you have. Mine’s Psykotik 2000 and you can usually find me playing Project Gotham Racing 2, Splinter Cell Pandora Tomorrow and Crimson Skies these days.

Poll time!


Which is best?

Sony Playstation 2
Microsoft Xbox
Nintendo Gamecube

59 thoughts on “Xbox

  1. XBOX SUCKS. It only serves three purposes:
    1. It gives dumb jocks a video game system to use since they dont really care about the quality of games, just how much blood and gore there is in it.
    2. It makes quality systems like the Gamecube look better.
    3. You can kill someone with one by bashing them over the head with it.

    #1 | Comment by KB — April 10, 2004 @ 10:37 pm

  2. Bring back the Commodore 64!

    Nerds Away!!!

    #2 | Comment by bligityblah — April 10, 2004 @ 10:38 pm

  3. I have PS2 and Xbox. I play the xbox more than PS2 — probably because I stopped buying games for ps2. Sucks that EA doesn’t give Xbox live support for any of their games.. only reason I like PS2.

    #3 | Comment by rhydun — April 10, 2004 @ 10:39 pm

  4. READ don’t play GAMES!

    #4 | Comment by Jay Z — April 10, 2004 @ 10:46 pm

  5. IF you want to play games, buy a goddamed PC, now thats a gaming platform. Consoles are only good for stuff were a directional pad is best, ala a Metal Gear Soild, and for games like Xenosaga/Final Fantasty, oh and driving games to. PC is best for anything online and FPS IMO.

    #5 | Comment by formalhaut — April 10, 2004 @ 10:57 pm

  6. I also don’t understand console gaming… my pc works just fine and serves many other purposes and didnt cost much more than a console system because I built it myself.

    #6 | Comment by RobertBruce — April 10, 2004 @ 11:02 pm

  7. I agree completely with formalhaut, except that I think consoles are also good at sports games (because of the controller). KB is wrong on point one. He is also wrong on point two. He is right on point three, but I could kill someone by bashing them over the head with any console, not just the Xbox. KB must also be pretty young because he makes uninformed generalizations and hurls random insults. Try again.

    #7 | Comment by Mandarin — April 10, 2004 @ 11:05 pm

  8. I see no little bubble to vote for my Sega Genesis.

    #8 | Comment by Amy — April 10, 2004 @ 11:39 pm

  9. the xbox is just a pc with a toned down os. Ps2 is old, and has dated hardware. Gcn has great hardware, but no developers. Go pc! pc will always be number 1.

    #9 | Comment by eddie — April 10, 2004 @ 11:52 pm

  10. consoles are a waste

    #10 | Comment by Messenjah — April 11, 2004 @ 1:25 am

  11. So I tried to post when this comment was first posted and couldn’t. It just kept making me re-vote…

    Anyway, I love my ps2. The graphic differences between an X-box, GameCube, and PS2 aren’t THAT different. PS2 still looks good. I want an X-box though, because Ninja Gaiden is fucking cool.

    #11 | Comment by DarckkorioN — April 11, 2004 @ 1:26 am

  12. Mandarin,
    Fuck you. Xbox is a waste because it really only has one game: Halo. Think about it. When you think about Xbox the only quality game that comes to mind (with the exception of the recently released Ninja Gaiden) is Halo. When it comes to Gamecube you have a selection of a number of quality games. Metroid Prime is one of the best first person shooters, I have ever played. Mario Kart: DD is also very awesome. And dont get me started on how great the latest installment of the Zelda series is.
    Xbox sucks. PS2 is pretty good, but still not up to par with the Gamecube.

    #12 | Comment by KB — April 11, 2004 @ 1:42 am

  13. atari 2600 rocks!!! its like the punkest of them all…

    metroid prime on gc does kick ass, but pc’s are better overall.

    #13 | Comment by vhw — April 11, 2004 @ 1:50 am

  14. pros
    x-box = better graphics, 5gb hard drive (for hacking and making it into a computer), best live support. (by the way, besides halo and ninja gaiden, splinter cell 1 and 2 is released 1st on x-box)
    ps2 = alot more games + alot more better releases, dvd player already comes w/ it w/o purchasing a $30 remote control(as if you need the ps2 for a dvd player)
    gamecube = hmmmm, . . . zelda, . . .umm, . . . hardware is better for cost but not as powerfull versus the ps2 and x-box. cheaper gameing system, ,. . . and worth it for $100

    x-box = expensive online gameplay, you have to spend $30 for dvd capability, NOT ENOUGH GAMES!!!
    ps2 = not as powerful graphics as x-box, not enough online gameplay, no hard drive (you have to buy memory cards to save games) the first ps2 released had malfuntions w/ the drive. has been fixed about a year ago and released on newer ones. bad news for people who own the old ps2, . . . no refund or exchange.
    gamecube = not enough games, not as powerful graphically.

    #14 | Comment by nousentre — April 11, 2004 @ 4:11 am

  15. if it makes any difference i like the x-box, . . . doesn’t mean its the best in the world. it just means that i’m more comfortable with it than the ps2 or gamecube. yes i’ve played them all but what can i say, . . . . . ninja gaiden is the shiznit!!! Although I wish the resident evil series was available for x-box it’s still good for the game cube.

    oh by the way, soul caliber 2 for x-box is awsome too, . . . spawn will make you his bitch!!! no zelda though 🙁

    #15 | Comment by nousentre — April 11, 2004 @ 4:20 am

  16. It’s Link. Link is in Soul Calibur for GC, not Zelda. Even though I don’t own a GC, I still PWN with Link. Raphael is my best character for all systems though.

    Your point about Splinter Cell being released FIRST doesn’t really matter, because it still gets released to PS2 and PC (I dunno about GC, I’ve never seen it there). You’re right, the modding ability for the X-box is much better than PS2 or GC. That’s where the X-box really shines. When it’s modded. And when you think about it, that’s kind of sad. You have to illegally alter your system to make it the best it can be. The PS2 does have more games, and when you weigh them all together, I think the PS2 has a greater number of really good games than the X-box or GC. The PS2 also has a LOT of crap.

    #16 | Comment by DarckkorioN — April 11, 2004 @ 4:30 am

  17. Hey Justin,

    I canceled my Live subscription cuz I never used it. I have Ghost Recon, Mech Assault, and one or two other crappy Live games. Let me know if you are serious about it, and I’ll reconsider subscription.

    #17 | Comment by smash — April 11, 2004 @ 6:56 am

  18. Xx Bubba xX
    (Omg, emo, I’m so cool!)

    Justin needs to learn how to guard. Kekekekeke!

    We have X-Box, PS2, Game Cube, and PC. All or nothing! Actually, all or PC. Actually(since there haven’t really been that many great PC games coming out lately), all or…pick one of the other three and shut the fuck up.

    #18 | Comment by Bubba — April 11, 2004 @ 8:08 am

  19. You know what? For some reason I feel like getting in a fight in this comments section. I already got a "Fuck you" from KB. He has already lost though, because he thinks Halo is a good game. I could name a dozen better FPSs on the PC.

    #19 | Comment by Mandarin — April 11, 2004 @ 9:15 am

  20. what like counter strike? because obviously thats such a great game. Im going to get a new xbox after I buy my new athlon 64 chip this thursday(payday)

    #20 | Comment by bob — April 11, 2004 @ 10:24 am

  21. There is no defending CS for Xbox.
    It is a joke…and they dropped the price for it already, because people weren’t buying it. (surprise surprise)

    Console wars is SO 2001!!!

    #21 | Comment by Greg — April 11, 2004 @ 12:04 pm

  22. All they are doing is complaining. He asked for GT’s.
    Cyborg: MGP2, UC,SEGA NBA2k3, RTCW, GR, and gonna get SC:pandora tomorrow. I just gotta buy another XBox as I have the first version with the crap Thompson drive

    #22 | Comment by bob — April 11, 2004 @ 12:09 pm

  23. Is it me or is it nerdy in here?

    #23 | Comment by pg — April 11, 2004 @ 12:18 pm

  24. mine has the samsung drive. holla!

    #24 | Comment by Justin — April 11, 2004 @ 12:19 pm

  25. I disagree, Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

    #25 | Comment by Billy — April 11, 2004 @ 12:21 pm

  26. I love my NES. When me and all my friends get really trashed/stoned and come back from the bar or wherever we were, the system everyone gravitates to is the NES, cause its got all the classics. Battletoads? check. Mario 3? check. Duck Hunt? Fucking right theres duck hunt!
    what else do you need? nothing.

    What could be greater? well, having a hot chick give you a blowjob while you play duck hunt after you got really drunk. but that is only a dream.

    A beautiful, beautiful dream. (sniff)

    #26 | Comment by kvl — April 11, 2004 @ 12:26 pm

  27. X-box? Y-box? Z-box? Who cares? We need PORN! You have one function in life, Justin, and that is to post links to naked celebrities, teenage hotties, and general pornography. You’ve not been performing up to my expectations lately.

    #27 | Comment by Namey — April 11, 2004 @ 12:30 pm

  28. I played Splinter Cell with you and I kicked your ass.

    #28 | Comment by Trip — April 11, 2004 @ 12:38 pm

  29. Ack! Couldn’t be bothered spewing on multiple threads so here comes verbal diarrhoea:
    1) Issue at hand: just got an Xbox so I voted for it : I got a Samsung drive too, holla! Phew! Should I increase the HD capacity or not? Dang, it’s a heavy (and noisy) enough sucker already!
    Having an Xbox kinda sucks if you’re not into 3D games – I felt all pukey just playing the demos from the magazines. Are they any more 2D games coming onto the console ala Streetfighter II? Guess the chances are worse than Bush being voted most loved public figure. Sigh, time to buy a 2ndhand Super NES.
    2) Hey, I was manufactured in Malaysia…sure it has its problems but "stupid"? Guess I’ll have to trawl thru the archives for answers.
    3) What gives with the disappearing Anne Hathaway pic? (sheepish grin) That’s how I got here!

    #29 | Comment by lbs — April 11, 2004 @ 12:46 pm

  30. I agree with Namey, where the nake photos at??

    #30 | Comment by Sean — April 11, 2004 @ 1:04 pm

  31. I wasn’t defending cs on xbox I was making fun of CS in general because its "such a great game" There is no best fps. UT is ok but how can you define the best fps. As far as I am concerned there are best fps for their time periods. Like Goldeneye and Perfect Dark. But Halo was the best at the time and most certainly a while after, and its stuff is all outdated

    #31 | Comment by bob — April 11, 2004 @ 1:19 pm

  32. I have both systems and hardly use the playstation 2. Playstation 2 may have more games, but the quality of the games is terrible. Xbox wins every time.

    #32 | Comment by uncle pauly — April 11, 2004 @ 1:45 pm

  33. Shut the fuck up about porn! There’s a console war going on, damnit!

    #33 | Comment by DarckkorioN — April 11, 2004 @ 2:21 pm

  34. Nah man. I dont even really like Halo. Its just the only game thatmost people agree is good for Xbox. I dont really even give a shit about FPS. The best one in my mind is Metroid Prime.
    And nousentre: It is the PS2 that has the slightly worse hardware. GC and Xbox have about the same quality hardware, except Xbox has a hard drive. Of course I can grab my GC by the handle and move it wherever I want, as opposed to the Xbox where you need a friggin’ tow-truck to move it.
    PC has the best graphics and such, but Id rather use a controller than a mouse and keyboard for my gaming. That and I see way more console games that I want than PC games.


    #34 | Comment by KB — April 11, 2004 @ 2:44 pm

  35. KB, at least get it right if you’re going to steal my:

    Nerds Away!!!
    If you’d like something of your own petition cf!

    #35 | Comment by bligityblah — April 11, 2004 @ 2:49 pm

  36. Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!! Nerds Away!!!

    #36 | Comment by Another Joe — April 11, 2004 @ 3:48 pm

  37. Metroid Prime is NOT a FPS.
    It is an FPA (First Person Adventure) game.
    You can’t compare Metroid Prime to FPS’s…its a METROID game.

    If the quality of ps2 games is so terrible, then why, praytell, are they the highest reviewed, highest selling, and so on?
    Xbox…their library of good games is much smaller than PS2s. It doesn’t take a fanboy to prove that statement.

    #37 | Comment by Greg — April 11, 2004 @ 4:02 pm

  38. I have to go with Gamecube. No, there aren’t too many games available for it and that’s because it takes TIME to create and distribute a quality game. And, the reason you probably would say Xbox rules on graphics is because we have yet to see the Gamecube pushed to its limits. Take the remake of the first Resident Evil for example. It showed sheer graphical brilliance. And now with RE4 coming, it’s time for graphical brilliance on the GC to be shown again.

    #38 | Comment by GuyManDude — April 11, 2004 @ 4:33 pm

  39. Recently I’ve found myself being more and more impressed with Gamecube. Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes is fantastic graphically and playwise it holds up well.

    So many people were shitting on it (myself included) and the lack of titles hurt them initially, but they have one solid game out after another, it has really impressed me.

    #39 | Comment by Jeff — April 11, 2004 @ 8:10 pm


    Pamela’s new playboy pics enjoy

    #40 | Comment by mr junky — April 11, 2004 @ 8:12 pm

  41. Oops. That second paragraph is regarding Gamecube, by the way. X-Box and PS2 are both good too, I don’t own any though. Thank god for roommates and my PC. They’re all comparable, really, otherwise there wouldn’t be so much talk which is better than the other.

    #41 | Comment by Jeff — April 11, 2004 @ 8:13 pm

  42. not to mention.

    for about 100$ you can mod your xbox, add a 100gb hd and be able to play movies, divx, vcd, etc. Use it as a webserver, anything you want.

    Rent games and save them to your hard disk so you won’t have to worry about scratched CDs, download games and use one RWCD to put it on your xbox..

    just alot more things you can do with xbox than any other console.

    #42 | Comment by bert. — April 11, 2004 @ 9:56 pm

  43. each system has its positives and negatives, except the super nintendo, that puppy was awesome, so awesome that every game started with super. how many game companies have the balls to put super in front of every game title today? 0 because they produce 95 crappy ones to finance the R&D for 5 good ones.

    #43 | Comment by joe — April 12, 2004 @ 4:13 am

  44. I agree PC is best. Why buy a console that won’t do anything cept games.. when a pc can do everything plus games?

    but the main problem with pc’s is non-uniformity in terms of components and such, which makes optimization a hassle. and the specs required for pc’s keep going up cuz programmers are too lazy to write and optimize for lower specs. "Oh the hardware will take care of it" Whereas for consoles the specs are fixed and programmers are kinda forced to write games within the confines of that console.

    #44 | Comment by AlphaPrime — April 12, 2004 @ 4:40 am

  45. I’ll start this post off by saying, personally i like GCN the best (obviously)but still Xbox and PS2 are both awesome. It all depends on what you like,I prefer nintendo the best cause i grew up on it..mario,zelda,metroid, are IMO the best games ever created not to mention other great GCN such as eternal darkness,resident evil,the strangly addicting animal crossing,pikmin,the amazingly done Viewtifull joe…(you gotta look past the pink cape but after that its an amazing and chalenging game,not to mention such games as mario kart double dash, mario golf, mario sunshine,metroid prime (which thank god someone mentiond is not an FPS)and one of my personal favorites the legend of zelda:wind waker.But enough about my obvious favorite system….onto xbox hmm what can i say about xbox…halo is amazing the up and coming fable looks awesome,ninja gaiden….nuff said and of course my favorite xbox franchise the Dead or Alive games (maybe the breast physics have something to do with it) but DOA 3 is by far the best fighting game i have ever played..IMO and dead or alive xtreme beach volleyball is strangly addicting i spend tons of time in the casino and im a sucker for colleceting things in games…gives the game more of a reason to play it (by the way collecting EVERYTHING im metroid prime including the scans is damn hard) there are 100 of items and bathing suits to collect for the DOA girls and suprising the volleyball is really fun..even though its just about timing.Only problem with DOAXBV is that i feel like im playing with barbies so then i gotta pop in mechassault and blow some shit up!Now….onto PS2, what to say about ps2 it’s easily my least favorite of the three but by no means bad… it has a bunch of games that other people like but i have only found a few that i would actually kingdom hearts and final fantasy X and the metal gear solid series but some people like a system that has tons of games even though more then 75% or ps2’s games are complete and udder crap but ps2 does pull through with some great exclusives..if im gonna buy a third party game i’ll get it on xbox cause i find the controller s to be more comfortable.::takes huge breath:: Well thats the end of my post…GAME OVER

    (man that was cheesy)

    #45 | Comment by GCN Man — April 12, 2004 @ 9:19 am

  46. nothing gets a bunch of nerds typing like a conversation involving videogames….and you guys wonder why you don’t get laid.

    #46 | Comment by Dope — April 12, 2004 @ 9:34 am

  47. Mmm…Dreamcast…a system far greater than both N64 and PS1, but so underrated. This was a system that had PS2 graphics 2 years before PS2 came out…

    Anyway, though, I find it kind it irritating that so many people will say X-box has the best graphics.

    It doesn’t.

    But I’m sure you’ve all read the stats for the system, somewhere online. What Microsoft doesn’t tell you when it displays polygon generation numbers, etc, is that it cheats.

    Look carefully at these numbers.

    Polygon performance: 150M/sec
    Sustained polygon performance (full features): 100M/sec

    Gamecube: 6-12 M/sec (gameplay)

    Now, why would the Gamecube ever advertise their paltry 6-12 M/sec polygons? Why would anyone ever play it, the Dreamcast can almost match it…

    Because, Microsoft lies. They posted statistics that are not using similar conditions, because all their stats (even the ones with so called ‘full features’) are still not full features. They are basic polygons, the equivalent of rendering a green triangle on screen, versus real full feature, which would be a textured triangle with multiple colours and complex lighting algorithms. Technically, it is still more powerful (say 8-15 M/sec) but it’s not even close to the huge number it advertises. Also, not sure if anyone else has noticed, but the number for the X-box varies between 125 M and 300 M [preprocessed] polygons per second, so any number you think is correct may have been just made up.

    On the other hand, though, if the X-box is so much more powerful, why is it that a whole slew of games (Soul Calibur 2 comes to mind) that run on both systems look much crisper on the GameCube (007 – Agent Under Fire as well)? Sure, X-box wins on some, but from what I’ve played, X-box loses on a lot as well. The loading times I won’t even speak of, GameCube has practically none (except for a few select games) and X-box has it for everything (except for a few select games).

    Sure, you can still point out a game or two and say ‘Let’s see the Gamecube do that!’, but you also only have to take a look at Metroid Prime, or Rogue Squadron, and it’s obvious it can be matched, and then some. I think some of the developers for X-box need to realize that sheer power cannot overcome retarded programming, and to work just a little harder to make them match the Gamecube games in performance.

    I’ve only left out the PS2 because the big debate seems to be between the die-hard Nintendo fans and the die-hard X-box fans.

    Anyway, though, if I could afford an X-box, I’d probably get one for the online gameplay, but my computer works for that as well as the X-box ever will. It is one category in which it absolutely spanks the Gamecube.

    Oooh, long post.

    P.S. MGS:TTS rocks.

    #47 | Comment by Jinsk — April 12, 2004 @ 10:04 am

  48. Dope, who said we don’t get laid?

    #48 | Comment by Jinsk — April 12, 2004 @ 10:06 am

  49. My xbox live tag is: Geidi Prime.
    I play Pandora tomorrow and topspin..

    #49 | Comment by Micah — April 12, 2004 @ 12:18 pm

  50. i’d rather play my three good games for dreamcast, then steal tens of games for an xbox.

    p.s. thanks for making games more expensive for the rest of us, jackass

    #50 | Comment by guncircle39 — April 12, 2004 @ 12:34 pm

  51. i’m guessing that when you can discuss over 5 paragraphs on the intricacies of polygons and which controller has the best buttons than your chance of getting laid drops about 70 percentage points. good luck though.

    #51 | Comment by Dope — April 12, 2004 @ 2:05 pm

  52. Awesome Justin. I honestly amazed to see a friend invite there waiting for me when I got on today. How cool…

    #52 | Comment by Micah — April 12, 2004 @ 3:37 pm

  53. My SUPER PONG Game console is way cool. It has FOUR game settings and hockey too!

    It’s fast because it only uses squares and rectangles in black and white, no circles or cones!

    #53 | Comment by cujo — April 12, 2004 @ 6:42 pm

  54. NES – Best system ever
    i’ll say it again, cause its true.

    #54 | Comment by kvl — April 12, 2004 @ 9:04 pm

  55. NES. SNES. Genesis. Dreamcast. ‘Nuff said.

    #55 | Comment by XplosiveLaRDGuY — April 12, 2004 @ 10:00 pm

  56. Okay first off, I design video games, so all your opinions mean jack shit to mine, hahaha.

    Xbox – Xbox couldve beaten the living crap out of PS2, and I mean BAD. But guess what? Those dumbass’s don’t know what their doing so they just slapped a green X on a PC. This left it open to hacking like no other. So developing companies said "Hmm should we develop for GC, PS2, or Xbox where they can just rent our games and copy it." Skip to a couple of years later, their considering ditching the HDD. Morons.

    PS2 – Christ this thing is HARD to work with on top of being weaker. But damned if Sony didnt kiss our ass when we got pissed. I mean I didnt need a chair for months they were just on their hands and knees. BUT when you finished a game for the PS2 and people went "Ehh its alright." You practically already made a profit thanks to their base. Plus marketing is walking around with "working on PS2 radar", if it gets a low signal we get F’d in the A.

    GameCube – This guy is the kid that doesnt bother anybody and doesnt tell you to fck if you talk to him. Joke around here is, almost everyday we say "Nintendo lettin us make a Mario or Zelda? No? Sucks for them." This system could easily be better but nintendo marketing sucks horribly. This kid could be the most popular guy at school, he just won’t speak up.

    #56 | Comment by Dionysus187 — April 12, 2004 @ 11:26 pm

  57. dreamcast sucked. genesis was OK.
    NES Rocked. SNES was awesome also.
    Love my old Atari. Too bad i broke it.
    (Booze+me+gravity=falling on atari and breaking it)

    #57 | Comment by kvl — April 12, 2004 @ 11:28 pm

  58. gaming fags…

    #58 | Comment by non gamer — April 13, 2004 @ 3:41 am

  59. you know Dope, only people who don’t get laid themselves accuse others of not getting laid.

    #59 | Comment by GuyManDude — April 13, 2004 @ 12:10 pm

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