CHOBOT!!!!!! *shakes fist*

Let’s dig into the reader mailbag kiddies! Contrary to popular belief, i still get e-mail! I know! I must be popular or something! LOL! That, my friends, is what i call a crock of shit! Now on with the e-mails!

Chobot Apologism


First off, I’ve only ever heard of Chobot through your rants, and have the utmost contempt for IGN and its pathetic, desperate fanbase, anyways.

But don’t say you hate Jessica Chobot. You don’t know shit about Jessica Chobot, and even her image on IGN, which probably isn’t anything like who she is in her private life, is not, objectively, all that horrible.

What you really hate are the cultural tendancies responsible for/represented by her undeserved fame — the very existence of, and the beyond pathetic, so utterly sexless, sweats-uncontrollably-within-20-feet-of-a-real-woman loserdom and desperation it represents and caters to; the culture where the communal(!) worship of women from afar, or being a monday-morning-quarterback of attractive potential, is considered a valid hobby. And, in that, you and your jerkblog, enjoy it though I, as a pathetic, sexless loser, do, are also responsible.

Yes: Jessica Chobot’s fame is YOUR fault. You must be Jewish to hate yourself this much.

High-res celebrities get me off,


OOH IGN. Why did i even let them take my monies for 3 years. I cancelled my Insider account in April. I wish i could say that i cancelled it on account of Ms. Chobot (now) writing for Insider, but alas, i can’t. Though i’d totally cancel it right now if i were still an Insider. On account of Jessica Chobot now writing for Insider. You know the DVD IGN editor. Andy Patrizio or whatever the fuck. I hate that guy. Not as much as i hate Chobot but hated nonetheless. He totally pissed me off back in 2002 or whenever (after Nick Nunziata left) when he totally dissed something i totally liked. I think it was Spider-Man or something. I can’t remember anymore. Now, whenever i see the name Andy Patrizio, all i can think about is how much i HATE him. All rhyme and reason has gone OUT THE WINDOW!!!! Who cares WHY i hate him, i just do!!! But before that happens with Jessica Chobot, i should probably make an official record of my reasons for hate.

WHY DO I HATE JESSICA CHOBOT. Let me count the ways:

1. She’s stupid. Everybody agrees on that. And if you don’t think so, i can pull out even more quotes from around the net from people who do think so! As if the ones i’ve already posted haven’t painted a pretty enough picture!

2. This girl is as hardcore a gamer as those fucking bullshit FragDolls. Oh my God, don’t even get me started on the FragDolls. OOOH the FragDollswhyioughta… but no. Jessica Chobot. Fucking Jessica Chobot. All you have to do is read what other real girl (and guy) gamers think. I give you this:

Dear Chobot,

Media idiocy pandering to the general 20 some year old male hurts gaming. You’re hurting gaming.

The more this happens, the more we get games like Prince of Persia: Warrior Within. The gameplay was shit and the atmosphere annoying because instead of designing a good game they were too busy modeling a steel thong and coming up with catch phrases.

Do you want this kind of shit to leak over into Square-Enix games?

You’re hurting gaming.

Please stop.

Wait. Did that have anything to do with her faux hardcoreness. Perhaps not. But it did give me another opportunity to use more of those nifty <blockquote> tags in yet another one of my Chobot posts!!!

3. The Nintendo bashing. What the hell is up with that. She’s bashes Reggie, she bashes the Revolution, she bashes the Micro and then what’s this! Picks up Nintendogs at E3 and likes it?!?!?! FUCK OFF CHOBOT. Go back to the fucking Sony booth and lick another PocketShitPortable. There’s nothing more that i hate than FANBOYS. If fact, sometimes, just for kicks, to piss myself off, i actually used to go in and read the IGN forums and it made me want to beat myself to death with an XBOX. I think the XBOX is considered a weapon in Japan because of it’s size and weight. That thing can kill a small child. I’d like to drop an XBOX on Chobot’s head. Wait. How did i deviate from point number three – Chobot’s Nintendo bashing – to dropping an XBOX on Chobot’s head? Who cares! Point is, NOBODY DISSES NINTENDO!!!!

4. Have you read any of her columns on RedAssedBaboon? I’d link you, but if you really want to hurt yourself you’re going to have to do it on your own. Instead, read this thread of comments and follow the links that are in there. And for the lazy, some excerpts:

(On Chobot’s articles)

– Apparently as a female you can ramble on for 1.005 pages with no real point or commentary on anything and have it accepted if you say “video games” a few times.

– She keeps talking about not embracing stereotypes when that’s all she’s doing. Yeah, excuse me but I have to go lick my consoles now. I’m sure to gain a magic appreciation for something afterwards. Right.

325. I’m skipping the last 321 reasons and making point number 325 a solution. An ultimate solution to end all my Chobot hate.

The solution:

I’m going to Thailand to pay Tony Jaa to kick her in the face.

Love the site

Hey justin, been reading your site for about 2 years now and I love it to death. I agree that miss chabert is amazing and that choboring or whatever is a tool and is probably getting paid by sony under the table. Though I will never accept nor understand your dislike for alba and trachtenberger.

Take care,

YOU WILL ACCEPT IT. YOU WILL ACCEPT IT LIKE KATIE HOLMES HAS ACCEPTED SCIENTOLOGY. Or i will fly to Thailand and pay Tony Jaa to kick you in the face.

e-mail me at psykotik(at)gmail(dot)com

30 thoughts on “CHOBOT!!!!!! *shakes fist*

  1. hay guys, 1st, lolz!

    #1 | Comment by JEJ — June 20, 2005 @ 2:58 pm

  2. I wonder if Ms. Chobot pronounces her name Dirtycrackwhore

    #2 | Comment by skarekrow — June 20, 2005 @ 3:08 pm

  3. Drink PSP!

    #3 | Comment by Observant — June 20, 2005 @ 3:41 pm

  4. Easy, Justin…you’re gonna burst a blood vessel, or give yourself a heart attack or something. 😮

    #4 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 20, 2005 @ 3:51 pm

  5. Oh, and just in case you forgot…

    Alba > Trachtenberg > Sha-bear


    #5 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 20, 2005 @ 3:53 pm

  6. Fuck IGN! I’m not paying for shit I can find for free.

    News? That’s what google is for.

    *Licks the keyboard*

    #6 | Comment by Crackpot Live — June 20, 2005 @ 3:56 pm

  7. Drink Pepsi … play Nintendo.

    Lick my balls.

    #7 | Comment by JustSumDude — June 20, 2005 @ 6:43 pm

  8. All I have to say is that I am SOOO much sexyier than Chabot.

    #8 | Comment by RegisteredPedophile — June 20, 2005 @ 6:53 pm

  9. i heart jerkblogs

    #9 | Comment by lswalker — June 20, 2005 @ 7:49 pm

  10. Bitterness, table for one…

    I am apathetic towards her. Her 15 minutes of fame are ticking by and she should be forgotten in the next few weeks/months. You should hate the interviewer more. Nothing like pandering to her and bloating her ego.

    And remember: Tony Jaa would kick you in the face without the use of wires. Now if I could only catch the movie ‘Beautiful Boxer’ about Nong Toom…

    #10 | Comment by puzzlehead — June 20, 2005 @ 8:34 pm

  11. Gookbaby, I believe you mentioned the link in my name a post down. Do you even have any idea what that site was? Just wondering, because you seem to generally be pretty ignorant. No offense. I mean I really don’t like you, at all. If I ever met you I’d likely punch you in the face, but that has nothing to do with my question whatsoever.

    #11 | Comment by Bubba — June 20, 2005 @ 10:18 pm

  12. Andy Patrizio dissed Bowling for Columbine.. but Andy Patrizio is also a member of the NRA. So why the hell did he review an anti-gun movie?

    I hate him too, but he got fired a month or two ago. Yay!

    #12 | Comment by Dex — June 20, 2005 @ 10:45 pm

  13. Dex, Bowling for Columbine wasn’t an anti-gun movie: it was inconclusive. It was exploring possible reasons why such a massacre could happen in the US, but is so much less likely in the rest of the industrialized world.

    Back on topic:

    People are disbelieving/hateful/dismissive of hot gamer/geek girls because it’s not farking fair that someone can have the best of both worlds. We assert that if we looked like that (or their male equivalent), we wouldn’t be wasting our time on the farking computer, all day.

    Which is probably not true: there are plenty of people who spend the entirety of their ugly time watching American Idol and ‘reading’ Big’uns in their beer-stained tank tops and underwear. The fact is: many of us would not be satisfied, were we to magically turn into Orlando Timberlake, with nothing but sex and looking pretty. So don’t piss on this girl for comitting the apparently capital crime having some self-confidence while gaming.

    Adam (the guy from the E-mail)

    #13 | Comment by Louis — June 20, 2005 @ 11:31 pm

  14. You lose, Louis.


    #14 | Comment by Dex — June 21, 2005 @ 2:22 am

  15. All this publicity, Justin must work for Sony!


    #15 | Comment by Seriously — June 21, 2005 @ 4:08 am

  16. Or, you know, IGN.

    Or, you know, Nintendo.

    #16 | Comment by Seriously — June 21, 2005 @ 4:09 am

  17. I don’t really know who Justin works for.

    #17 | Comment by Seriously — June 21, 2005 @ 4:09 am

  18. #11 – I really wish we could meet, so that you could punch me in the face…

    …and then I could pop a 9mm right in your chest and claim self-defense. I’m sure mankind would thank me for protecting the gene pool from a shit-sucking waste of DNA like yourself.

    And that site still sucks ass.

    #18 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 21, 2005 @ 4:30 am

  19. Everyone! Quick! Across the bridge while the troll is at the library accessing the internet!

    #19 | Comment by Observant — June 21, 2005 @ 10:34 am

  20. Ah, fuck it. The core of your beef seems to be her endorsement of one upcoming console over the other, the fanboy life-and-death absolute partisanship about which I’ve never begun to understand.

    Keep up the hate!

    #20 | Comment by Louis — June 21, 2005 @ 1:52 am

  21. Jesus, you really make it tough to link a poster’s e-mail address.

    #21 | Comment by Louis — June 21, 2005 @ 1:55 am

  22. oh noes plz dun pop a cap in me! Koreans shooting people? Come on now, you do your people no justice. Maybe you should go play some Counter-Strike or Diablo 2 to ease your jaundice rage. Jerk.

    I was thinking about how you could possibally pull out a gun after I punched you in the face, but then I remembered that your face is as fucking flat as a wall, so you’d probably just have to tilt your head a little and my fist would be deflected. So now, if I ever meet you, I’m going to punch you in the neck.

    Oh and you never answered my question, which was the whole meaning of the post. u sux

    #22 | Comment by Bubba — June 21, 2005 @ 6:46 pm

  23. Lighten the fuck up guys, or I’ll bring out the Queen lyrics again.

    #23 | Comment by Seriously — June 21, 2005 @ 7:59 pm

  24. #17 shouldn’t you be under a bridge somewhere?

    #24 | Comment by Observant — June 21, 2005 @ 9:22 am

  25. #22 shouldn’t you be under a sweaty man in a bathhouse somewhere?

    #25 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 21, 2005 @ 9:42 am

  26. Shut up, n00b!

    #26 | Comment by Bubba — June 21, 2005 @ 11:56 pm

  27. #24 = unfunny

    #27 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 21, 2005 @ 1:20 pm

  28. Ooh ooh pain is so close to pleasure oh yeah

    Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand

    together all

    your life

    Ooh ooh pain is so close to pleasure

    everybody knows

    One day we love each other then we’re

    fighting one another

    all the time

    When I was young and just getting started

    And people talked to me they sounded broken hearted

    Then I grew up and got my imagination

    And all I wanted was to start a new relation

    So in love but love had a bad reaction

    I was looking for some good old satisfaction

    But pain is all I got when all I needed was

    some love and


    Ooh ooh pain is so close to pleasure yeah yeah

    Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand

    together all

    your life

    Pain and pleasure

    Ooh ooh pain and pleasure

    When your plans go wrong and you turn out the light

    But inside of your mind you have to put up a fight

    Where are the answers that we’re all searching for

    There’s nothing in this world to be sure of anymore

    Some days you’re feeling good some days you’re feeling bad

    But if you’re feeling happy someone else is always sad

    Let the sweetness of love wipe the tears from your face

    For better for worse so let’s make the best of the rest of our

    Ooh ooh pain is so close to pleasure I told you so

    Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all

    your life

    Pain and pleasure

    Ooh ooh pain is so close to pleasure yeah yeah

    Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all

    your life

    All your life

    Pain – pleasure

    #28 | Comment by Seriously — June 22, 2005 @ 5:40 am

  29. thank you louis for your insightful comments (and email!). this site needs more people like you. perhaps you’ll stay on board and pop in another day.

    your email and comments are greatly appreciated.

    #29 | Comment by Justin — June 22, 2005 @ 2:32 pm

  30. #24 thinks calling me “gook” or hinting that I’m “yellow” will actually hurt my feelings in some way. Fraid not, you racist redneck. See, it’s a case of mind over matter. I don’t mind, because you don’t matter…


    #30 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 22, 2005 @ 2:33 pm

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