In The Event Of War…

… be absolutely sure to listen to celebrities with whom you share political views, because we are your leaders. What I think about all of this is immaterial, but just about every actor (except me), actress (except J-Lo), singer (except J-Lo) and even a few of the homeless people on Wilshire (including three of J-Lo’s former husbands) have put in their very public two cents about the impending war, regardless of the fact that their fifteen minutes of fame were up about eight years ago.

I mean, first you’ve got Charlie Daniels. Here’s a guy who had been about as much out of the spotlight as Great White was until he released his “It’s Not A Rag, It’s A Flag” song last year, which was apparently offensive to someone or another, which only served to get him more press and therefore more record sales. He hopped on the pro-war bandwagon this week by writing a letter to the celebrity community, which several newspapers printed for some ungodly reason, essentially saying that anyone against the war is un-American and should be deported or some such thing, which speaks really well for his understanding of the Constitution. Then again, he’s a desperate country singer who hasn’t had a hit since “Devil Came To Georgia,” so we can forgive him, maybe.

And then there’s some other country singer with a pro-war song out right now, and we all know the real reason for doing this stuff. It’s not because these singers support the war or anything like that, but because it’s an opportunity to make some quick green on a hot-subject before their careers go belly-up when their listeners finally realize that country music hasn’t been good since the early 80’s, when the songs were all about drivin’ your big rig.

And then on the anti-war side, you’ve got Mike Farrel, who did two things in the twenty years between his acting on M*A*S*H and Providence, and those two things were jack and shit. He’s opposed to the war, but nobody cares because he’s about as much in the public consciousness at this point as Cat Stevens.

Actually, Cat Stevens is back with a new anti-war song. Yes, this is true, but since he changed his name to Yusuf Islam a couple decades back, he’s been harder to find than Salman Rushdie during the 80’s. He’s got a song out, but that’s all I know, because no one’s going to play a Yusuf Islam song, because he’s about as well respected at this point as Jane Fonda was during the Vietnam War.

I ran into Keanu Reeves this week and asked him what he thought of the war, and he responded, “Dude…” I don’t know if that was a yea or nay kind of, “Dude…” but that’s his opinion. I think there might’ve been a, “Whoa…” in there somewhere, but I don’t think it would matter.

What I’m trying to say here is, if you’re not sure whether or not you support an American invasion of Iraq, don’t listen to us celebrities. We’re either out there because we want to boost sales on something or try to convince the world that we’re not actually dead, though our careers might be. Pick up a newspaper, listen to talk radio (Mancow and Howard Stern do not count as talk radio), do anything but listen to us celebrities, because we’re just good-looking idiots.

23 thoughts on “In The Event Of War…

  1. You let celebs talk about politics?!?

    That’s sick!

    #1 | Comment by Kingolf — March 19, 2003 @ 3:18 am

  2. hawdy-fucking-har-har… its rodeo time…

    #2 | Comment by beng — March 19, 2003 @ 4:22 am

  3. Damn Affleck! You have the best hair!

    #3 | Comment by grud — March 19, 2003 @ 5:55 am

  4. i didnt have the time to read all that mumbo jumbo celeb political stuff but i am sure they are nice…..or not.

    #4 | Comment by luke — March 19, 2003 @ 9:41 am

  5. As a concerned American citizen, I apologize to President Bush because my remark was disrespectful. I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect. We are currently in Europe and witnessing a huge anti-American sentiment as a result of the perceived rush to war. While war may remain a viable option, as a mother, I just want to see every possible alternative exhausted before children and American soldiers’ lives are lost. I love my country. I am a proud American

    #5 | Comment by Natalie Maines — March 19, 2003 @ 9:42 am

  6. Affleck, you still have the best hair.

    Ok, Damon’s looks pretty good too.

    #6 | Comment by grud — March 19, 2003 @ 10:01 am

  7. This war comes down to, do you want to see them kill their own people for a couple of more decades or do you want to sacrifice a few of our lives and a few of theirs to destroy the biggest road block to peace once and for all. Let the protestors chew on that shit. BTW i think they should change "weapons of mass destruction" to "Weapons of mass MURDER!" With reverb and the word coming at the screen a bunch of times in sync with an echo, becuase they could give a shit about tearing down a building, they wanna kill your ass.

    #7 | Comment by Dionysus187 — March 19, 2003 @ 10:28 am

  8. since this started out as a political post, does that mean the comments will end up talking about b00bies?

    #8 | Comment by gabdabary — March 19, 2003 @ 11:40 am

  9. I don’t know about politics, but damn that Affleck has great hair. I saw two Kevin Smith movies over the weekend, and man, that Affleck!!! He rules!!!

    #9 | Comment by grud — March 19, 2003 @ 11:43 am

  10. Now I think you’re trying too hard to be gay. =\

    #10 | Comment by Bubba — March 19, 2003 @ 12:34 pm

  11. =\

    #11 | Comment by grud — March 19, 2003 @ 12:41 pm


    #12 | Comment by panic — March 19, 2003 @ 1:59 pm

  13. i can’t stand this ben affleck characters posts. thats all.

    #13 | Comment by uncle pauly — March 19, 2003 @ 2:48 pm

  14. i can’t stand this ben affleck characters posts. thats all.

    #14 | Comment by uncle pauly — March 19, 2003 @ 2:48 pm

  15. whoops finger slipped

    #15 | Comment by uncle pauly — March 19, 2003 @ 2:48 pm

  16. *swoons* ohhhhh ben…will you be starring in the movie about this war when it comes out?

    #16 | Comment by liz — March 19, 2003 @ 3:59 pm

  17. Dude….Keanu should post here…

    …instead of Ben…


    #17 | Comment by Seriously — March 19, 2003 @ 6:42 pm

  18. First, it’s "The Devil Went Down To Georgia". Second, Charlie Daniels is a southern rock artist, not country. If you’re gonna bash somebody at least have your facts straight…goddamn.

    #18 | Comment by Bryan — March 19, 2003 @ 7:05 pm

  19. Third, Charlie Daniels sucks.

    #19 | Comment by Umgawa — March 19, 2003 @ 8:03 pm

  20. I’m with Bryan, The CDB is southern rock, not country; though they are a little past their time, they never "really" sucked, just needed to quit.

    BTW I agree with all your dislikes except one: tequila rocks

    (and watch the video link I posted above)

    #20 | Comment by panic — March 19, 2003 @ 9:58 pm

  21. oops
    I meant Umgawa’s dislikes

    #21 | Comment by panic — March 19, 2003 @ 11:06 pm

  22. If Keanu posted it would look something like this:



    The End.

    ps. b00bies!

    #22 | Comment by thefelinepunk — March 20, 2003 @ 11:13 am

  23. Ok, hows about Ari Fliesher?

    Actually, I like that better.

    #23 | Comment by Seriously — March 20, 2003 @ 2:02 pm

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