Movies movies movies!

Today i am going to critique some upcoming movies:

  • Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever

    First of all, what the fuck kind of stupid title is Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever anyway? That has got to be the worst movie title ever in the history of worst movie titles ever. Also, the trailer is supremely underwhelming. I dunno. It just seems really ass. Although i do like the way Lucy Liu looks in this movie. Very Trinity-like. Also there’s one pretty neat looking money shot where’s she firing away this huge machine gun thing. You know with a title like Ballistic, i sure do hope there are some good gunfights in this movie. And lots of kung fu too. Although that wouldn’t make sense because what the fuck does ballistics have to do with kung fu? But yeah, anyway, there are a few fleeting shots of Lucy Liu singlehandedly kicking a group of guys asses that looks pretty promising. But i dunno. Also i’ve heard that there’s absolutely NO DIALOGUE at all for like 3/4 of the entire movie’s running time. So yeah. I’m thinking this movie will be all flash and no substance. Okay maybe i’m exaggerating a bit about the NO DIALOGUE for 3/4 of the movie but yeah i have heard that there’s very little dialogue in this movie. So overall, i think this movie will be ass. Although i could be wrong. Because it might turn out to be pretty good.

  • National Security

    Now here’s a movie that i’m actually looking forward to watching. Too bad it comes out in January though. Which is still a long ways away. Boo. But yeah, this looks like a pretty funny movie. Of course, they might just be showing all the good parts of the movie in the trailer with the rest of the movie being complete ass but from the looks of it, it seems like a pretty good-ish flick. Martin Lawrence teaming up with the always wacky Steve Zahn in a ‘buddy comedy without the buddies’. Go watch the trailer. It’s pretty hilarious. Overall though, i think this movie will be ass. Although i could be wrong. Because it might turn out to be pretty good.

  • Stealing Harvard

    Hmm. Jason Lee and Tom Green. In a movie together. Hmm. Okay if it weren’t for the fact that Jason Lee is in this movie, i would automatically just think that this movie will be ass. But Jason Lee might just be able to save it from being complete ass. But i dunno. Tom Green. Tom Green only works in small doses and cameos (ala Road Trip and Charlie’s Angels). So i dunno. Hmm. Yeah overall, i think this movie will be ass. Although i could be wrong. Because it might turn out to be really really ass.

  • Fear Dot Com

    This movie is a total rip off of The Ring. Except instead of watching a VHS tape and dying 7 days later, you basically die after going to some site. Or something. I first saw the trailer to this movie while i was watching Reign Of Fire with my girlfriend. It looked pretty ass. Reign Of Fire was a pretty ass movie too. I actually sorta zoned out halfway through the movie. It was too long. I wanted that movie to end. But it just kept on going and going. In the end, i felt like i wanted to eat my girlfriend out of frustration because the movie seemed like it wasn’t ever gonna end. But then it did. And i didn’t eat my girlfriend. So that was a good thing. So yes, back to Fear Dot Com. Overall, i think this movie will be ass. Although i could be wrong. Because just like Stealing Harvard, it might turn out to be really really ass.

  • The Ring

    This movie is the American remake of the Japanese original. It’s basically about this VHS tape that, if you were to watch it, you’d get a phone call after you finish watching it telling you that you only have 7 days to live. Spooky! I’ve seen the original Japanese version and contrary to what my farting roommate at time said about how it was the scariest movie ever, i didn’t think so. I did think it was creepy though. Faceless female Japanese apparitions with long hair will always forever be creepy. I heard that the American remake slightly changes the story a bit. Not the main concept (it’s still about evil VHS tapes) but just the story. So it probably won’t be an exact shot for shot remake of the original Japanese version. It’s probably worth watching i guess. Not like if you were to watch Open Your Eyes and Vanilla Sky back to back because it’d be pretty pointless because both movies are pretty much shot for shot the same. Plus the American remake has that blonde girl from Mullholland Drive, which was apparently a pretty good movie but i haven’t seen it yet. I’m talking about her being in The Ring of course. Not Vanilla Sky. But i dunno, like i said, i haven’t seen that movie yet (Mullholland Drive. Not Vanilla Sky). But i do know she gets naked in it though (the girl in Mullholland Drive who’s in The Ring… in Mullholland Drive). Maybe i should pick it up on DVD someday. But i dunno. The DVD is pretty barebones. Fucking David Lynch. Never wanting to do commentary tracks or documentaries for his movies. Fuck you David Lynch. Also don’t go to the official movie site of The Ring. It’s the stupidest movie site ever. Overall though, i think this movie will be good. Although i could be wrong. Because it might just turn out to be ass.

  • Shanghai Knights

    Jackie Chan! And Owen Wilson! Okay there is no way in hell that this movie will be ass. Just like both Rush Hours, this movie will be good. I love Jackie Chan (in a heterosexual way of course). And i love Owen Wilson (also in a heterosexual way). Owen Wilson is one of my most favoritest male actors next to Ben Affleck. Have i ever mentioned that i love Ben Affleck (in a heterosexual way)? I love Ben Affleck (in a heterosexual way). So Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson travel to merry old England and they get to make fun of English people. That is the best storyline ever. Overall, i think this movie will be good. I give it two perky nipples up.

  • Ghost Ship

    This is the stupidest movie ever. I hate it. And i haven’t even seen it. I HATE IT. ASS. ASS ASS ASS.

    And that concludes my critique on upcoming movies.

    Oh and guess what? Tomorrow is DVD Tuesday!

    And Birthday Girl will be released. I haven’t seen this movie. But i think Nicole Kidman gets naked in it. Plus she plays a mail order bride. Nicole Kidman as a mail order bride? I’ll buy that for a dollar!

    Too bad i won’t be buying the DVD though. Because there are only like two extras on it. An ass featurette and an ass music video. Stupid Miramax. More extras dammit.

    And then next week marks the DVD release of the unrated version of The Sweetest Thing which i will definitely be getting. Because i haven’t seen it and it seems like a pretty fun movie. Plus any movie that has Christina Applegate in it is worth getting. I think you can see her in her underwear in that movie. Yes. Definitely worth getting.

    Oh and Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown gets released too. Both Collector’s Editions. And they both come on two discs but surprisingly, there won’t be any commentary tracks on either titles. Fucking Tarantino. Too lazy to record a commentary track.

    Oh well, there’s like tons of other interview-y stuff on the second discs anyway. Maybe that will make up for the lack of commentary tracks. Oh and the Jackie Brown DVD has the full uncut ‘Chicks with guns’ thing on the second disc. That alone is worth buy the Jackie Brown for.

    Anyway, i will be getting those 3 DVD’s next week.

    This morning i woke up and i was pleasantly surprised to see that i got an e-mail from the Bikini Karate Babes people (!).

    Subject: Bikini Karate Babes
    From: “Bikini Babe”
    Date: Sun, Aug 11 2002 11:31:34 PM -0400


    Glad to see that you enjoyed the trailer. You’re site is pretty cool too. I told some of the cast (from the game) about your article. They’ll probably be checking it out soon.

    Good luck with your site, and your ever expanding game and DVD collection. We’ll update our website frequently also.

    How cool is that?

    I actually ordered the Mac version of the game off the site. I wonder how long it will take to get shipped out. Haha. I hope the game plays well. Actually i wouldn’t really mind if it plays ass. Just the novelty of being able to control bikini karate babes that can shoot fire from their boobs, take off their tops and smack someone in the face with it, and snatch their opponents’ bikini top for the victory IS WORTH IT.

    Go buy a copy!

    Wow this is a long post.

  • 18 thoughts on “Movies movies movies!

    1. wow. i was right when you first told me you posted. it was dumb :\

      #1 | Comment by suzi — August 12, 2002 @ 10:13 pm

    2. how in the heck did you score someone as hot as Zoe you lucky bastard good luck with the relationship I should’ve given congrats earlier but I am so lazy

      #2 | Comment by josh — August 12, 2002 @ 10:38 pm

    3. *blushes* awwwwww

      as for the post: I totally agree with suzi… *yawn*

      #3 | Comment by Z[oe] — August 12, 2002 @ 10:56 pm

    4. dude, ur site fucking rocks i know ive made some comments in the past but dam this site rules!!!

      #4 | Comment by James — August 13, 2002 @ 6:13 am

    5. Dude, i skimmed the post…the word "ass" "Jason Lee" and "Bikini" came up quite a lot. Good job man. Lol, I have nothing better to do than to harass you at 8 in the morning. Saaaad Lizzie.

      #5 | Comment by Liz — August 13, 2002 @ 8:17 am

    6. <4 the z. you are so much cooler than justin :D

      #6 | Comment by suzi — August 13, 2002 @ 10:07 am

    7. I am going to eat her.

      #7 | Comment by Justin — August 13, 2002 @ 10:26 am

    8. u fuckin asswipe. Tarantino is the best director ever. u should burn in hell right now for what u said

      #8 | Comment by dude,whoaaaa — August 13, 2002 @ 12:04 pm

    9. justin no need to delve into your sex life now ok buddy.

      #9 | Comment by Josh — August 13, 2002 @ 12:35 pm

    10. I think someone should count how many times you said "ass" in this post.

      #10 | Comment by Icepick — August 13, 2002 @ 4:36 pm

    11. Ii would, but at least I sorta HAVE A LIFE!!!

      #11 | Comment by Icepick — August 13, 2002 @ 4:37 pm

    12. Uh… i got 21 occurances of "ass" and 1 of "asses" – well done, Justin.

      #12 | Comment by Stink — August 13, 2002 @ 7:07 pm

    13. hey justin, just gonna let u know that there’s some free space under the denise collage in the top right, just in case u want to get rid of it…

      #13 | Comment by arc — August 13, 2002 @ 10:38 pm

    14. o ya, another thing, the background pic in the archives section, on 800×600 resolution, it starts to repeat itself a little at the bottom. just thought i’d let u know.

      #14 | Comment by arc — August 13, 2002 @ 10:42 pm

    15. *yells loudly* APPLE JACKS SQUIGGLESHNOOSH!…that is all.

      #15 | Comment by Turtle Boy — August 15, 2002 @ 3:57 pm

    16. Turtle Boy, i just wanted to inform you of your double negative. Yelling already suggests that you are doing something loudly, so the extra adverb is not needed in that situation. Just though you would like to know.

      #16 | Comment by Icepick — August 15, 2002 @ 11:31 pm

    17. *yells softly* smart ass! 😛

      #17 | Comment by Stink — August 16, 2002 @ 12:13 pm

    18. HA HA! not funny………

      #18 | Comment by Icepick — August 16, 2002 @ 10:04 pm

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