Loathing and More Loathing in Las Vegas

23 09 2003

I know you expected to hear from me last weekend, but I’ve been kind of busy, what with my gambling and boozing and whoring and what-not. Since three of you are big fans of mine, I suppose I owe you an explanation for why it all happened.

J-Lo and I called the wedding off on Thursday because the swanky hotel we were getting hitched at was double-booked and someone from the other wedding party decided to call up Entertainment Tonight or some such media outlet, who then informed the rest of the media, who then informed the paparazzi and the general public, which led to the cancellation of the wedding. Or, that’s how the story goes. In reality, I was the one who called Entertainment Tonight, and it was J-Lo (by herself) who called off the wedding.

There are reasons for this. She wanted me to sign a prenuptial agreement that said she got half of my fortune if she decided to divorce me for infidelity. Now, really, who can blame me for something like that? Just because I sleep with two, three, four strippers while I’m out on a movie set doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Well, in a passive-aggressive way, I suppose it does, but that’s not the point. That’s like me having a clause that says if she makes a bad album then I get twenty million dollars. It’s just something that we all know is going to happen.

Really, the cancellation is just a sign of much larger problems, anyway. For example, when I tried to move the wedding to Conference Room B of the Howard Johnson’s on Wilshire, she stormed off with her entourage, and I took that as a no. I didn’t get it, because she wants three-hundred people at the wedding, but she wants privacy. So, I did what any man in the situation would do: I went to Vegas for a boxing match, went gambling, fell off the wagon and woke up with strippers. Maybe they were hookers or possibly dancers who wanted to try out for J-Lo’s next video, but that’s not the point. The point is I tried, and she backed out on me.

When this all started, we were just another Hollywood celebrity couple. We could have burned down West Beverly Hills and the newspapers would have put it on page 8. Then I made the stupid mistake of proposing and buying her a ring that cost me the better part of a year’s pay (after you take out taxes, agent fees and the “donations” I make to the Weinsteins to keep my career intact). I jumped in with both feet, and now look where it’s gotten me: The movie I did with her is second only to From Justin To Kelly as the worst movie of all time, and we’ve still got one more that could conceivably top it.

So, boys (because most of you are boys, merely looking for pictures of the Olsen Twins naked), let me impart upon the lot of you a piece of advice: When you like a girl, you’re going to get frustrated, and you’re not going to know what to say to her. Then, when you think she likes you as much as you like her, it’s all easy. Then, reality strikes, and you realize that she didn’t like you as much as you thought she did, in which event it’s often because she likes some other guy more than you and failed to mention it over the course of your dating or correspondence.

Just save yourself the heartbreak and always keep one foot out the door at all times, because one day -out of nowhere- she’ll drop you, and you’ll just realize that you were wrong about everything. They’re all blind corners and the end of your relationship is around one of them. As for me, I’ll just wait for my agent to say it’s okay to get married again, if ever. He said once that my box-office pulled an extra twenty-million per picture when I was an eligible bachelor, so he probably won’t, and the closest I’ll get to a happy-ending is watching Chasing Amy, and all I have to fall back on is the knowledge that I was the bomb in Phantoms.


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11 responses to “Loathing and More Loathing in Las Vegas”

    23 09 2003
  • 1.  radish01001 (13:52:01) :

    That post lacked pictures, links, and anything else that might interest me – and the fact it was written in the calm Ben Affleck tone drove me to the brink of suicide…which is why I didn’t read it.

  • 23 09 2003
  • 2.  bligityblah (13:56:33) :

    I’ll second that, I can’t remember the last thing J-lo did that was any good. The only thing I can think of for the future to be worth anything involves seeing only the top of her head.

  • 23 09 2003
  • 3.  kevin (14:26:21) :

    I’ll read that later, I swear.

    No I’m lying.

    Why would anyone want to read a boring post by some ass pretending to be Ben Affleck when there isn’t even nude pictures of his X-Lo’s giant ass!

    P.S. Jury Doody SUCKS!

  • 23 09 2003
  • 4.  sexcrazedweasel (15:51:58) :

    i’ll triple that. this douche has been boring me for way too long.

    listen. if you want to pretend to be someone, pick something interesting you jackass.

    suggestions. justinspenis. stalstoiletseat. you get the idea.

    the bennifer joke wasn’t funny the first time you posted, and it hasn’t gotten any better.

  • 23 09 2003
  • 5.  pangwinking (18:06:43) :

    Once again, I didn’t read the post, because, judging from what has been posted latey (aside from Crystal’s sexy pictures), it would be boring and not funny. From reading the comments, it seems I made a good choice.

  • 23 09 2003
  • 6.  Judas (18:30:10) :

    holy shit affleck, i totally hear you. i’ve been pining over this girl in my geology class for the better part of last year and we actually got to become pretty close friends. anyhow, long story short, i misread some ‘signals’ and in the end, i pretty much made a complete fool out myself. i fucking hate it when that happens! girls can be such manipulative devils.

    oh and to the rest of you all who didn’t bother to read the post, you’re missing out on some pretty good satire. i think it’s the best affleck post i’ve read. chuckle worthy and a moral to top it off.

  • 24 09 2003
  • 7.  cujo (05:27:49) :

    Actually, it wasn’t a bad post. Especially since Ben & Jen are just down the road from me, and he applied fer a gun permit Saturday. Don’t wanna get J-Lo & Ben riled up or nuttin. No siree Bob. Them city folk’s are libel to shoot first and ask questions later…

  • 24 09 2003
  • 8.  lizzie (07:51:26) :

    glad to see someone hasn’t lost his sense of optimism.

  • 24 09 2003
  • 9.  jeff (13:43:27) :

    i liked it. :P

  • 24 09 2003
  • 10.  kevin (17:48:17) :

    What time is it?

  • 26 09 2003
  • 11.  jb (13:29:01) :

    toss it in her ass!

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