WHAT A SHAME

SIMPSON SNUBS CHANCE TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY

LATEST: ASHLEE SIMPSON has turned down a multi-million dollar offer to pose for famed men’s magazine Playboy. The 21-year-old was offered $4 million (GBP2.2 million), but decided to not to bare all for the legendary publication. Simpson’s publicist ROB SHUTER confirmed to website TMZ.com that the singer did indeed receive the offer to pose for the magazine, but declined. A newly-glamorous Simpson is currently on tour promoting her latest album I AM ME.

I would have fapped to that.

19 thoughts on “WHAT A SHAME

  1. first!

    ps. this thread is useless without pics

    #1 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 28, 2006 @ 1:02 pm

  2. Maybe it wasn’t modest and Christian enough for her desires.

    –but then, I think some among us know how modest and Christian the “Boots” video was.

    #2 | Comment by gamekid — June 28, 2006 @ 1:08 pm

  3. ^^^
    umm…not jessica, but her kid sis with the new nose.

    reading is fundamental.

    #3 | Comment by AngelBaby — June 28, 2006 @ 1:10 pm

  4. ^^^
    uhh – christian values tend to run in the family.

    and again – wtf is the point of posting if i get no half-naked jailbait to fap to?

    #4 | Comment by heapy — June 28, 2006 @ 1:37 pm

  5. Don’t worry. In 5 years she’ll be fully spread.

    #5 | Comment by El Payo — June 28, 2006 @ 2:47 pm

  6. Guess she hasn’t figured out how to fake-taking a picture, yet. I’ll send her photoshop.

    #6 | Comment by DZK — June 28, 2006 @ 2:59 pm

  7. If I were her I wouldn’t do it neither… $4 mill?
    She can probably make $2 mill a year for the next couple years just riding her sister’s wave.

    She poses for playboy now and she can kiss that steady income goodbye. That’s why half these celebs don’t do playboy till they’re 45 and over the hill. Take one last payoff for the nest egg before they retire.

    Playboy’s gotta wake up and realize this and make more serious offers.

    #7 | Comment by JohnnyBravo — June 28, 2006 @ 6:15 pm

  8. Dear Ashlee,

    Let me start off by saying how proud I am of you when I read about your refusal to appear nude in Playboy. In today’s young Hollywood, it is so refreshing to know that a promising young talent such as yourself still has such high morals and standards.

    My name is Smiley and I am the webmaster of a fansite called the Ashlee Simpson Society(or A.S.S. for short). It is a website devoted entirely to your burgeoning musical and acting career. Since I run the site myself, I guess you can call me your A.S.S. MASTER.

    But enough about me, let’s talk about you. You were very lucky to have escaped that SNL lip synching fiasco relatively unscathed. I must commend you on for standing up to the unfair criticism lobbed at you like tennis balls hurled at a fat kid at summer camp. Believe you me, those were pretty big balls that were aiming right at you. I’m sure you’ve had to deal with quite a few sets of balls just dangling in front of your face. While I am a huge, huge fan of your music and acting, I’ve concerned about the path your career is taking of late. Your music is terrible, I can’t listen to more than two minutes of it without suffering a seizure, followed by a Wasabi colored discharge coming from my ears, nostrils, urethra and anus. And your acting? I haven’t seen stiffer acting since I accidentally rented ‘The World’s Biggest Gay Anal Bareback GangBang and Brunch’.

    You, my dear, have talent. You just don’t know how to untap that hidden treasure. But I can help. I can re-invent your career and give you something you have always wanted: artistic credibilty.

    Do you remember that film, the Brown Bunny, specifically the ‘love’ scene between Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny from a while back? You do? Wonderful! You will then also remember the immense social and cultural impact it created. The press could not stop writing about it for months, it was water cooler fodder for weeks and it helped to launch Chloe Sevigny’s career into the stratosphere(she’s HUGE in Kazakhstan). Are you with me so far? Good. let’s continue.

    Do you also remember the Vagina Monologue? You don’t? Well, it’s a series of monologue written by award winning playwright Eve Ensler celebrating female sexuality, expressed from different female points of views. I had the pleasure of attending one of her original productions and found it thought provoking, even though I slept through 90% of it because I thought there would be pictures accompanying the seemingly endless flapping of the lips. During my nap, I had a dream. In my vision, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus came to me and told me to write a Guy’s version of the Vagina Monologue, based on the same structure of stury telling thriugh monologues. I said,” Do I call it the Penis Monogue?” At that point, they both became extremely agitated and started calling me a fag and began to beat me with a field hockey stick and a burlap bag filled with oranges. “Don’t call it A Cock Monolgue, you fuckin’ homo!”, cried the Easter Bunny as he rained down an endless torrent of blows upon my face and neck.

    And thus The Brown Bunny Monolgue was born.

    The Brown Brown Monolgue is a play that I have written which examines the effect that cock-chugging scene between Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny has on guys. Specifically, guys that gather around the only computer not behind a firewall to watch the clip while their department supervisor is out getting a sandwich. Guys that stay in the basement all day with nothing but a box of Kleenex, a party size bag of Cheetos, Grape Soda and an economy-size bottle of Jergens. Married guys that sneak down to the rec room computer after the wife pretends to fall asleep because she won’t give him anal. Regular guys, like me. Or him. Or him. It’s Every Man. Through monologues that are at times unny, poignant and heartbreaking, the play will explore how that 5 minutes of celluloid magic inspired and possibly forever transformed the lives of all those men and pimply-faced young boys.

    Now, how does Ashlee Simpson fit into all this? You will be playing Chole Sevigny’s role of Daisy and I will be playing Vincent Gallo’s character, Bud. We will recreate portions of the film throughout the performance, but mostly, you will just perform non-simulated oral sex on me. You will be naked and yummy down on my schlong as the participants recount how the awesome sight of a semi hot indie actress deep throating a hairy unwashed greasy fuck Salami down to the balls metamorphosized their existence. It is a celebration as well as a treatise of male sexuality. I could just play the scene in the background, but I could not get clearance to use the clip. I mean, I haven’t asked the studio yet, but I’m pretty sure they would say no. Yeah, almost like 80% sure they won’t do it. For my part, I’ve already started growing a scraggly beard and I am doing push ups after I get home from work.

    I believe the play will have immeasurable artistic merit and impact if there are live visuals to go along with the dialogue, to recreate that special moment in cultural history. You film career will take off, casting directors will take you seriously. You can cut an album of protest songs if you want to. The world will be your oyster. You will be a true Artiste. Movie producers will think you are French.

    In final part of my dream, as the Easter Bunny was starting to beat me into a light coma, Santa Claus said,” Hey, Ball-Bag, when you write this fuckin’ play, make sure you put Ashlee Simpson in there. Dat girls is Fine. She’s got some nice Ta-Ta’s. She’s got a really nice long tongue and really pretty month. How much fuckin’ money have you got? Gimme your godamn shoes!”

    So true, Santa. So true. Your vision will make this world a bigger place. And you Ashlee can make that dream come true. Call me, we’ll do lunch. Do you like Burger King? Call me.

    #8 | Comment by Smiley — June 28, 2006 @ 6:48 pm

  9. that looked funny but it was too much work.

    Boobies.

    #9 | Comment by DisconcertedGeorge — June 28, 2006 @ 9:53 pm

  10. I wonder if she even thought about it or just rejected it out of hand?

    #10 | Comment by Mr Creosote — June 28, 2006 @ 10:14 pm

  11. pssh george go ahead and read it cuz i want to make smileys dream a glorious reality

    #11 | Comment by Evestay — June 28, 2006 @ 10:20 pm

  12. going on playboy is the only way she could ever be popular or well known outside the US… she’s untalented and when you hear “simpson” who do you think of homer, bart, lisa, marge, maggie, jessica? or ashlee…

    she’s a joke.. take off your clothes.. earn some money and retire.. no-one wants to hear her sing.. she can’t.

    MORE AMANDA BYNES!

    #12 | Comment by desiguyy — June 28, 2006 @ 11:40 pm

  13. #8 Brilliant. Bravo friend.

    #13 | Comment by Zahid — June 29, 2006 @ 1:21 am

  14. As usual, I should not even bother to post my comment as it pales in comparison to Smiley’s story. Still, I’m going to post because I’m not funny.

    She turned Playboy because they couldn’t photoshop out the molestation scars from Papa Joe.

    #14 | Comment by Elder Young — June 29, 2006 @ 9:37 am

  15. #12- You forgot OJ Simpson as well.

    I think when Ashlee and Jessica pose nude for playboy (and it is only a question of when) they should be in the same month. I would contribute to sweeten the offer from Hefner for that! Mmmmmm, Simpson boobies….

    I second the more Amanda Bynes vote!

    #15 | Comment by alrighty — June 29, 2006 @ 10:21 am

  16. #13 – Thanks!

    #14 – Thanks. Being in the graphic design business, there are new newly released Photoshop plug-in’s they will automatically eliminate years of molestation scars. Sadly, it’s the emotional scars that even the most talented re-toucher in Hollywood cannot conquer.

    Speaking of Papa Joe, I’ll bet Ashlee turned down Playboy’s offer because she knew Papa Joe will turn up at the photo shoot to offer her, um, “words of encouragement’ and “moral support”. You know the dude’s gonna sit in the corner with a beer just rubbing himself raw.

    #16 | Comment by Smiley — June 29, 2006 @ 12:20 pm

  17. #14 # 16.

    That was really sick but made me laugh thanks.

    Can’t wait for that tape to hit the net.

    #17 | Comment by john — June 29, 2006 @ 1:33 pm

  18. #17 – I’ll bet my life Papa Joe will show up at the shoot wearing an unbuttoned silk shirt and no less than 5 gold chains and two pinkie rings.

    AND you know the moment Ashlee starts fidgeting and shows any signs of second thoughts or regrets, Papa Joe Simpson will start shouting, ” Bitch, where’s my money?! Where’s my money?! Don’t you look away when I talk to you! I said, don’t you start cryin’! Don’t you start cryin’ when I talk to you! You start cryin’ and I’ll give ya sumthn’ to REALLY cry ’bout!! I’m Sweet Papa Joe! Now fix yo damn make-up!”

    #18 | Comment by Smiley — June 29, 2006 @ 2:07 pm

  19. Who cares, Ashlee is ugly. She looks like a horse. Or a shoe. Or Sarah Jessica Parker. ;(

    #19 | Comment by Marcato — July 2, 2006 @ 9:43 am

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