Ooh look! Look! Oh wait… it’s just me.

I actually watched TV for the first real time a coupla nights ago. The first real time since September 2000… for more than 15 minutes. And it was Phua Chu Kang of all things. Some Singaporean sitcom. Well… at least that’s what it’s supposed to be anyway. A ‘sitcom’.

I sat stonefaced throughout the whole thing.

Do people actually find that show funny?

I could shit out a better show than that.

It’s amazing how i can toot my own horn AND write a quasi tragic post at the same time.

I like to toot my own horn. We like to toot our own respective horns.

Sometimes each others.

That sounds oddly perverse.

I’ve fallen for a girl.

I’ve fallen really hard for a girl.

I fallen really hard for a girl i can’t ever be with.

And it kills me sometimes to think about it.

She knows how i feel about her. And the feeling’s pretty mutual too. And if it weren’t for 2 very big obstacles, things might be different for us.

This is what’s been distracting me from posting lately. And two nights ago, i just felt like i was going crazy. I just… completely flipped and said some stuff i shouldn’t have ever said to her. And i thought i’d pissed her off. I felt so so shitty. And because she didn’t acknowledge those dumb questions of mine with a response… i figured i must’ve said something wrong.

It turned out that i was just over-reacting because in the end, she wasn’t even at all the slightest bit mad but there i was, worried out of my fucking mind, going crazy thinking about what i’d ‘done’. Only to find out everything was alright. 99% of the time i’m usually just normal. Well… as normal as i can get anyway… but just for that 1% of that one moment, i just fucking lost it.

It was fucking 4am in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Thinking WAY too much. Lying in my bed going out of my mind. I didn’t really have anybody that close to me that i wanted to share my problems with in the vicinity. And i really really needed to vent.

So i called up Susan.

I was a fucking wreck. I basically bared all to her about what’s been happening. Even though i shouldn’t have considering how i know Susan feels about me. But she was there for me anyway. Listening to everything i had to say. I wasn’t really looking for a solution to my problem in her and there wasn’t really anything she could’ve said or done to ‘fix things’… so all she could do was listen… and listen she did.

She told me, “Don’t worry about it too much. There’re lots of other girls out there who admire you Justin. Like… me… for example.”

Did a double take when i heard that.

“Just kidding just kidding” she said. “But it’s true. You really are a nice guy. There’s other fish in the sea you know…”

I’d gotten her to pseudo-admit that she has a thing for me! Ha! And Zil said i was just in over my head about her liking me =P

She later told me, “Justin, as a friend, i just want you to know that no matter what happens, i’ll still care for you and love you.”

Now that had just totally confirmed her thing for me. Now think what you want but me and her do go back a long way; about ooh… 5 years now, and even though she’s never actually made a move on me (or vice versa for that matter), i’d always known that she had a thing for me. Or at least had a suspicion of it. And it was the way she told me that pretty said everything. Not the words she used.

On one hand, i’m going nuts over a girl i can’t have. While on the other hand, i can pretty much choose to be with a girl who obviously wouldn’t mind being with me right here and now.

But i can’t take that second option. Because i’m just in too deep with the first one.

One major mindfuck is what this is.

But to make things clear, i’m not so much worried about that second option. Because i’m not even considering to take that second option. It’s nice to finally know how she feels about me. Even though she did say it all indirectly.

Or maybe i’m just in over my head again about her… like Zil says =P

But it’s this other girl that i’m more worried about. Actually not so much as worried per say, but concerned with more like. Or something. I like this girl so much. I can’t go a single hour without at least thinking about her once. Going for half a day without being in contact with her be it through AIM, SMS or the phone… it’s just pure and utter agony. And now, even more than ever, we both have less chances for staying in contact due to some unavoidable circumstances. Before, just a few days ago… and way before that, we’d be in contact pretty much 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Alright… a slight exagerration there… but basically yeah, we’d be in relative contact every few hours or so. Everyday.

For nearly over a month now.

But now, things have been kinda slowing down. And with the lessened contact, i start getting paranoid about every single thing that has to do with her. Did i pissed her off? Has she lost interest in me? Does she want me to leave her alone? Am i weirding her out? All these really really dumb questions running through my mind.

She’s keeps telling me that maybe it’s just a phase… this… me liking her.

If this is just a phase… i don’t think i’d be able to handle it if it were for real.

I’m about to be a girl. I’d like to apologize in advance. I’d also like to preface what you’re about to read/not read with the statement that I’m very, very happy with my somewhat midget-ish boyfriend (told you I’d babble about him a lot.)

There’s a restaurant in town called Zapata’s. Awesome Mexican cafÈ, my family and I go there a lot, and I’ve brought friends in several times. The same waiter usually waits on all of us, by whatever chance. Yesterday, I went in with my parents and aunt, got there early, and talked with the waiter guy for awhile. Today, he showed up at Gately’s Grille, the restaurant I work at. We talked a bit, and before he left, he gave me his number, told me to call him so we could hang out.

NOW. That is the first number I’ve gotten in 6 months; the length of time I’ve been seeing my boyfriend. And this guy from the other restaurant was more aesthetically attractive than Shawn. But I was happy to realize that although I was happy to know that I can still actually GET someone’s number, that I don’t have some tattoo on my forehead warding off males…that I didn’t really have any desire to call him, other than a realization that I could introduce him to a friend of mine. Which…was cool.

Hrm. 4:30 PM EST, with a ten minute speech due for my Interpersonal Communications class at 5:30. Perhaps I should go attempt to actually do it.

These people have gotten themselves new layouts:

• Sexy Stacy
• Babely Sarah
• Evil SuziSo check em out.

  I got an email asking me:

  Do you seriously carry a cam everywhere you go?

  She was referring the post i wrote 4 days ago. The one about me carrying a video camera around campus taking ‘stolen’ shots of girls. Supposedly anyway.

  Actually, to be honest, no i don’t go around campus carrying a video camera everywhere i go =P

  I get someone else to do it for me. Haha.

Four (4) more days…

=]

That first post of the day down there… that was a badly written post. I just wrote that in like 5 minutes tops and didn’t even bother to check what it was i was writing about and where everything was going. So yeah, there were a lot of loose ends and ‘storylines’ that ended up nowhere. So to speak.

But here i am again to clarify a few more things. Whether you like it or not. Because i have nothing better to do and i need to kill time.

Actually, i should be doing my homework but hey… that can wait.

Like i said, i have a lot to write about. A lot’s been going through my mind these past coupla weeks. And up till recently, it’s reached it’s boiling point. Which is why there haven’t been that many long-winded posts by me this past weekend. It’s just reached a point where i couldn’t think about anything else but ‘it’ and ‘it’s’ been kinda distracting me from writing posts for the site.

But anyway, in regards to the post down there that i’m supposed to be talking about… if it wasn’t clear enough… you know, with the whole Pizza hut/pseudo-date thing…

Wait wait. Some dude just IM’ed me:

DMBFanLMO: hi there
psykotik2k: hey
DMBFanLMO: I like your site.
psykotik2k: yeah?
DMBFanLMO: yeah 🙂
psykotik2k: how’d you find it?
DMBFanLMO: Hm.
DMBFanLMO: Gear Factory ~> Lewsers ~> your site

He likes my site.

That’s my ego boost for the day.

Anyway, yeah, the whole Pizza hut/pseudo date thing… that was the…

Holy fuck.

DMBFanLMO: I’m Lisa.
psykotik2k: ooh
psykotik2k: okay
psykotik2k: for a moment there i though you were a guy
psykotik2k: heh
DMBFanLMO: LoL I figured.
psykotik2k: heheh, well your sn doesn’t seem… you know… ‘girly’
psykotik2k: =]
DMBFanLMO: Ha, now that you know I have breasts you’ve all of a sudden got talkative 🙂
psykotik2k: hahahaha

Announcement: Breasts = Me talking. No breasts = Me no talking.

Anyway… as i was saying, the whole Pizza hut/pseudo date thing… that was the ‘uninteresting stuff’. And not at all the ‘juicy stuff’.

The ‘juicy stuff’ which i can’t post about.

I mean… i can post about it… but i won’t.

Which pretty much defeats the purpose of me talking about since i won’t actually be talking about it.

POINTLESS POINTLESS POINTLESS!

Anyway i don’t know how to end this post so i’ll just leave you with this.

( . | . )

Tits.

Because there’s been a distinct lack of them on the site as of late.

They’re back to their own e/n self.

Gear Factory.

About time too. =]

Hrm. What to write about.

Actually… i have A LOT to write about. Really juicy stuff too. But i can’t because it’s just not meant to be written about on this here site. There’s other stuff that i can write about though. But unfortunately, it just won’t be as interesting as said juicy stuff.

I mean, honestly… do you really need to know that i blew off a pseudo-date with Susan, my mini Angelina Jolie friend, just so i could go to my farting roommate’s sister’s birthday thing at Pizza hut yesterday?

Well i did so i guess yeah, as bloody uninteresting as that may seem, at least i’ll have a starting point to go off into different tangents should ever the need to go off into tangents arrive.

That’s some pretty bad grammar right there.

So yeah, Susan actually asked me out last weekend (no not ask out ask out… but ask out as in asking to go out to watch another movie… hence another pseudo-date). And i had to blow her off at the last minute!

Woah that sounds awfully perverse.

But it’s not like that!

Farting Roommate just had to invite me to this soireÈ for his sister over at Pizza hut which i HAD to attend so yeah, i had to shitcan the pseudo date.

How the hell do you spell ‘soireÈ’ anyway?

That’s the last time i’ll ever use a French word in one of my posts.

It is French right?

Anyway.

This is the part where i tell you how many slices of pizza i ate:

…

Actually no i won’t.

So yeah, that was basically what i did yesterday. I could go into more detail but again, come on now… blown pseudo dates? Pizza Hut?

Not really worth going into detail is it?

***tangent***

Ooh! Ooh! Jia Hui is online! Now i must go and yak with her.

*pokes Jia Hui THERE*

Haha.

Besides i have Philosophy class in 4 minutes. I have to go anyway.

Lutes.