Who the hell is this?

Some of you may remember me, some of you don’t have a clue. Doesn’t really matter….maybe you will find this rant interesting if you don’t know me….if you do then it will explain why I disappeared.

Not really even sure where to begin….or end for that matter. I am/was married. But apparently around the age of 25 women go through some hormonal bi-polar mind fuck in which they decide that life isn’t quite so grand and they would rather obliterate everything they know. You see, I had one of those relationships that you see in the movies. You know where the guy and girl fall in love at the end and the movie is over. Happily ever after and all of that bullshit. You ever wonder what ever after really turns into after a few years of the same old crap? Well I never let it become the same old crap. We had one of those sickening worship the ground each other walks on type deals. You know, to where you actually have married friends that can’t hang around you because you make them realize they do not love their husbands/wives the way they should? This kind of crap most people in relationships strive for.

And then one day you let your wife get into modeling. Not that modeling was the cause, but I don’t think the sudden attention and ego boost helped any. Couple of photos get taken that you aren’t exactly happy with….but you can’t keep your big mouth shut about it can you. The two of you talk and things are cool again, or so you think. You wake up one morning to her telling you how much she loves you and giving you a kiss goodbye. That night at dinner with friends she says, “I just wonder sometimes if we are just comfortable and that is the only reason we are together.” Ever been hit in the chest by a sledge hammer? Feels about the same. You get kicked out. No idea what you did or where you went wrong. She starts drumming shit up….things that might have been small issues, but nothing a girl, let alone your wife, would ever leave you over. Not to mention every little thing from your past gets brought out. I’m sure you all know what I am talking about there.

So you spend weeks, even months fighting for her back. Going to counseling, reading books on relationships, doing every think you can possibly think of. Until you stumble across……recycle bin. “Now why would she delete a Log folder?”, you wonder.

“I talked to Jeff last night.”
“Wow, that was fast!”
“Yeah, so he is staying at Travis’ house now. Guess I am going to be alone tomorrow. Completely alone.”
“Guess I am not playing ball tomorrow :D”

Have you ever been so mad you burst blood vessels in your eyes? I have. I could continue on about the weeks after where she swore she would never see or talk to him again, about how she yo-yoed me back and forth, about how I “stumbled” across her cell phone text messages to him of “I love you too” and “You are also the love of my life…It’s so scary isn’t it?”, but I will save you the gruesome details. Suffice it to say….I pretty much hate women now. Ok, not entirely true…..but the path of broken hearts and girls that get screwed over in my wake I feel cannot blame me….blame her. Funny how you can go from loving someone so completely you would lay your life down for them without even a second thought, to hating someone so much the very sight of them would make you wretch. Seven fucking years wasted. Oh well….have to go now. Eighteen year old I am banging down to a nub just showed up. And girls wonder why guys are assholes….why they always get fucked over. Cause some bitch somewhere made us like this. Thanks for letting me vent 😀


Back from vacation in the great out doors. I hate airlines. The worst thing about going to visit one’s grandparents is that when you first get there they cook you this great big meal, but the rest of the week all you get is leftovers. Damn was I glad to eat a hamburger when I got home. I hate airlines. Small towns suck too. Their idea of going to the “mall” turns out to actually be the largest gathering of rednecks and hillbillies in what may have once been a flea market but is now just a social gathering to determine if a whole set of teeth can be formed by the community. I hate airlines.

I hate airlines. I did manage to accidentally place my vacation right at the beginning of deer season though. So grandpa though it would be great if I was a redneck for a day and try my luck with a 12 gauge armed against antlers. So besides for having to get up before dawn, sit in 12 inches of snow for hours on end, not smoking, and not moving…. I decided that it might be fun. I hate airlines. Well, apparently Bambi had other plans. Although not equipped with antlers, this particular deer thought it would be quite interesting if it scared the ever-living shit out of a city boy by walking up behind him when he is not aloud to move to look around and has three hats over his ears to try and stay warm. Say, within five feet. Anyone want some deer jerky?

Have I mentioned that I hate airlines. Not only can planes not fly with ice on them, for which they obviously don’t account for the fact that it might snow when temperatures drop below freezing point, but they take an hour and a half to “de-ice” the plane. Ok, so now you have to use your credit card to try and use the onboard plane to call your ride and tell them you will be late. But better then that, occasionally the airlines find it funny to put your luggage on the wrong plane. Not just one piece either, they keep all of them together. I had six pieces. So when the conveyor belt stops and thirty people are asking where the hell their luggage is, the highly trained airline employees “don’t know”. Three hours later another plain arrived with my luggage on it. No wonder US Air is going bankrupt. Sorry if I was assy to anyone last night when I got back, but now you see why. At least Bambi is dead, next year maybe Thumper.

How was your vacation Justin? Hopefully you didn’t fly.

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No fingers or butts in this post!

Since so many of you have said it both here and on the board, I will reiterate my comment from a previous post on the identity of Jenn. In the future all new people are required to read the archives and memorize them before making comments.

“You know, at first I thought this was a publicity stunt by Justin or one of the others just to piss people off. So I ran an IP check against all of the current people that I know have the ability to post and Jenn. No matches.”

For those of you who are less technically inclined, this means that Jenn is not a second personality of Justin, Suzi, Thess, Eve, or Meg. Unless they are going through great trouble to do so, including posting from a different computer not even tied into the same network. No they are not just changing IP’s either, Jenn’s is consistent through all of her posts. Good for her though to get so many people riled up and making so many comments.

So some ass monkey decided to throw rocks at my car and bust out my window the other day. If I catch the little son of a bitch, I am going to hog tie the bastard and ship his ass (ground) to Jenn with a check to pay her to abuse the f*cker. For all the vandals out there that may find this kind of shit amusing, stick to mail box bashing and stealing trash cans. Even eggs and toilet paper I can appreciate. The best is to steal road closed and other construction signs (detour signs work well) and plant them right in front of garage doors. Once closed off the whole highway with that trick. Yes, I did it while there were cars on the road and let me tell you they were really pissed. Took 5 of us to move the 10 foot sign out into the middle of the road. But don’t go breaking out car windows or doing high dollar damage, cause one day the same crap is going to happen to you like it did me and you are going to be just as pissed.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming of people fisting themselves and enjoying anal stimulation!

So much for the Halloween pics being the topic:

Ok, I am just a little wasted so we will see what happens with this.

Thess: Let me see that map of the Danish fleet Peter.

Peter: Yes ma’am, if I can see them boobies.

Thess: They are coming too fast, surely they will get a speeding ticket on their way through Orlando Bay, and leave the boobies to the Cam Whore Specialists.

Smash (on request): Send them my way, I can handle all the CWS, had three Danish ones in my bed last night.

elPrezidente: Borrow your balls from your girlfriend Peter and quit taking orders.

Bubba: TRAITOR!!!!, Smash is consorting with the enemy!!!

Kingolf: (BANG! Smash dies) Where is Suzi?

Celius_Quin: I think she is still trying to find a new host, but I am secure enough in my manhood to say that I find you attractive Kingolf, in a heterosexual way of course.

Raceman: Kill all the Nazi’s!!!!

Eve: Why does it always come back to that? Polish are not Nazi’s.

Raceman: Oh sorry.

(Anonymous): So anyway, anyone want to come see my new cam pics?

Jamlink: Listen men, we must concentrate! The Danish are invading!

Liz: What about the women.

Peter: Show your boobies!

Smash: Show your boobies!

Kingolf: Show your B(.)(.)biees!

Bubba: Boobeys!!! (Said like Timmy from SouthPark says Timmay!!)

Dik Kok: I like boobies up my ass, then we eat the Danish!

Jamlink: Thank you dik kok, we must concentrate on the Danish invasion.

Suzi: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY with a baseball bat, that is how we will get the Danish.

Bubba: YES!! Use the two Chins to lure them in then we will poison them with a bananas covered in peanut butter and jelly!!!

Ben Affleck: I have some peanut butter left over that my dog didn’t finish last night!

J: Then we can use the Happy Tree Friends to torture them into talking!!!

RedEye: ATTACK IN COMING!!!!!! Where is Justin!!!???!!!???

To be continued…

Okay… before anyone busts my balls id like to state that this was just a joke. I didn’t mean to offend anyone with this little drama I created for my own amusement. I am not as good at writing dialogue as immensely long but only half way interesting posts. I stole this from Kingolf who stole it from Celius_Quinn who stole it from Justin who stole it from God. The people responsible for sacking the people who sacked the original dialogue have been sacked. Sorry if I offended or left anyone out.

I did post my Halloween pics in the more section if anyone wants to see them.

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Damn it!

Ok, I was going to try to entertain everyone with some nice pictures from my Halloween party. Although there was nothing lewd and lascivious (well maybe a little), there were still some pretty hot chicks there and some pretty cool costumes. Unfortunately my dumb ass cannot figure out how to upload pictures to my posts, and although I could tear this computer apart down to component level then rebuild it, I am apparently dumb when it comes to this. I can upload them to the site, but there are no instructions on how to connect them to my post. If I have to I can drop links to them from my ftp or something, but that is a pain in the ass. Please don’t make me have to call my programmer to make him show me how to do it. If one of the girls who like to drop pictures of weird birds in place of boobies, gay men instead of chicks, and any other sort of pictures would be kind enough to email or IM me and fill me in, I would be greatly appreciative. I know you all want to see the naughty nurse that came to the party so please help a brother out.

Who am I, chopped liver?

Ok, so just because I haven’t posted in a while suddenly I get left out. Oh, I see…only the females have any power around here since Justin has left….funny how my posts are the only ones with comments still. Not going to make a long post because I have to finish designing this 80 page shitty magazine, but I will be back….and at least this way people have somewhere they can make some comments.

I hope.

If this works.

In an effort to redeem myself…

So a friend of mine comes over the other night to hang out and brings his new girlfriend with him. Ok, so I guess they are not girlfriend and boyfriend yet. Dating? Seeing each other? What is the proper terminology you single people use these days? When does it switch from one to the next?

Here is the way I figure it for a guy:
You go out one night and meet a new girl that you find to be to your liking, so you get their phone number. If you talk long enough that night and end up with a good night kiss with plans to call or go out, you are temporarily considered “dating”. This status only remains for about three days, at which point if there has been no further contact, they are just some “chick” you met one night. If you do talk again after the three days, the status does not reinstate until after you actually see them again in person, and only then if you get at least another good kiss.

Now, if that first night you sleep with her, she was a “one night stand”. If you do talk again, then she is a “booty call”. This status can only be upgraded to “dating” once you see each other and don’t sleep together within 24hrs of doing so.

The above scenarios move on to “seeing each other” status once you have eliminated everyone else form your repertoire of “dating” girls. She also has to no longer be “dating” anyone else.

This girl does not update to “girlfriend” status until you have had the talk. The talk involves you or her asking the other, “So what are we?”. Usually this is the girl asking this question in which case you are suckered into the new status by being forced to either be bumped back to “dating” or move on to “girlfriend/boyfriend”. This status is also obtained if you are stuck in “seeing each other” status for longer then three months and all of your boys now call her your “girlfriend”, even if you deny this status. This three months can include the “dating” period of time if you have become especially pussy whipped and your boys are calling you on it. No use denying it, she is now your “girlfriend”.

Although still referred to as “girlfriend” status, the next level often involves the “living together” status. This is obtained the obvious way by moving in together. Whether in your own place or someone else’s, including either sets of parents. This status can also be obtained when you have enough clothes at her place to stay for at least one week, and you actually have slept there that many days in a row. If you have to actually “go get your shit” if you break up, and you need a truck to do it, then you are technically “living together”. This stage can be skipped to move on to the next in some cases, however uncommon in today’s day and age.

The fun part comes at the “engaged” status. Obviously this can only occur when you ask the girl to marry you. Some guys use this as the “keep the bitch from leaving me” cop out in which they don’t actually buy the girl a ring but still pop the question. Usually occurs after she has been nagging him about getting married for some time. Even if this is the reason you ask, you are still “engaged” because she will tell everyone you know. Also, if you have had your “girlfriend” for several years and all of your boys refer to her as your “wife”. Guess what. They just granted you “engaged” status. Denying this status can only delay it for the first ten or so denies, and threatening your buys with bodily harm if they keep calling her your “wife” automatically upgrades you to “engaged”. Basically this “pseudo engaged” is the same as the “keep the bitch from leaving me” but she has not been nagging you as much.

Another status that does not have to take place is the “mother of my children” status. Should have strapped your shit dumb ass. Not going to elaborate on this one, but once this status is obtained it can never be gotten rid of even if all others are removed.

The last status is “fucked”. In layman terms this means you walked down the aisle, put a ring on her finger, and you are now living together. Some will calls this “married” or “wife” status. Even if you love her and you two have a happy marriage, this status is still “fucked”. Why? Because your balls are no longer yours, she is just letting you borrow them. Yes assholes, this is my status, at least I had my balls up until then.

And to keep up with Thess, how bout some free cartoon porn!

I would like a number three supersized with a coke…….And Then?

In an effort to educate you readers, I have come up with a glossary of terms below and their corresponding definitions. This is a college level course however involving a sexually explicit nature, so anyone underage or that takes offense easily should skip straight to the comments section.

Fellatio: Latin meaning, “to suck”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the penis

Cunnilingus: Latin meaning, “act of licking”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris.

Heterosexual: Relating to sexual intercourse between individuals of the opposite sex.

Homosexual: Relating to sexual intercourse between individuals of the same sex.

Lesbian: Relating to sexual intercourse between females of the same sex.

Tossing the Salad: Latin meaning, “to eat shit”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the rectum.

Snow Balling: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, after the female partner finishes performing fellatio on the male partner to the point of ejaculation, she will store hold his semen in her mouth. Then she will move to kiss the male partner, re-depositing the semen in his mouth. Usually this act is a surprise to the male partner.

Felching: Usually in a homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the first partner ejaculates inside the other’s rectum. The ejaculating partner will then suck the semen back out of the other partner’s ass, I mean rectum. This process usually involves a straw to assist in the process.

Dirty Sanchez: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the male (giving) partner discovers left over feces on his penis. The process is when the male partner uses his penis to draw a mustache on the female (receiving, also known as bitch) partner’s face using the female partner’s feces.

Eiffel Tower (also referred to as finger cuffs): Involving two males and one female where one male is having sex with the female in a doggy style position and she if performing fellatio on the other partner. The process is when the two male partners “high five” over the top of the female. Finger cuffs reference relates to Chinese finger cuffs.

Rusty Trombone: Usually in a homosexual relationship, when one male is tossing the salad of his partner while reaching around and masturbating his partner at the same time.

Lucky Pierre: The center partner in a three way homosexual relationship in which one partner is giving, the receiver is also giving, and the third partner is only receiving.

Hot Lunch: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the female partner is lying on her back and the male partner is sitting on the females chest while she performs fellatio on him. The process is when the male partner shits, I mean defecates on the female partner’s chest.

Cold Lunch: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the male partner is intoxicated and is standing up while the female partner is on her knees or some other crouching position performing fellatio on him. The process is when the male partner pukes, I mean regurgitates on the female partner’s head.

Angry Dragon: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, after the female partner finishes performing fellatio on the male partner to the point of ejaculation. The process is when the male partner grabs the female partner by her throat, forcing her to breathe his ejaculation up and out her nose. Also works when the male partner punches the female partner in the forehead.

Pirates Treasure: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the male (giving) partner discovers left over feces on his penis. The process is when the male partner cries out “AAARRRGGGHHH!!!” upon his discovery.

Screwnicorn: Usually in a lesbian relationship, in which one partner straps on a false penis (dildo) to her chin in order to perform cunnilingus while using the false penis (dildo) to penetrate her partner at the same time.

Houdini: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, when the male partner is about to ejaculate while having intercourse with his partner in a doggy style position. The process is when the male partner removes his penis from the female partner’s vagina and then spits (using his mouth or a mayonnaise packet) in the middle of her back. When the female partner turns around to look at the male, he then ejaculates in her face causing surprise.

Abraham Lincoln: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, when the male partner is about to ejaculate while having intercourse with his partner in a doggy style position. The process is when the male partner punches the female in the back of her head knocking her out. He then turns the female over on her back and ejaculates on her chin. The male partner will then shave his pubic hair off and use this with his ejaculation as glue to form a false beard on the female partner.

No soup for you!

Apparently Justin monitors IP addresses and noticed that my IP has shown up three hundred and thirty-six times……today. Guess he felt bad for me and decided to let me post. Yes he is still alive. No he did not say he was coming back. No, I cannot get a message to him for you.

In an attempt to discuss something other then Ben Affleck related, damn that Peanut Butter Jelly song. I still can’t get it out of my head. Anyway, if you all have not yet heard of Bum Fights, I highly recommend you go to your local software stealing program and download the videos right away. You can see some of their stuff on www.bumfights.com if you are too lame to be able to find the videos on your own. Seriously, this is the best Crocodile Hunter meets Jack Ass you have ever seen. I won’t bore you to death with all of my favorite scenes when you are just going to go to the site and see it anyway, but go check it out. Also, before any of you guys start whining about how much you miss Justin and how much you wish I would go away, remember who gave you this link. In conjunction with the little repertoire over to the left, you will have your fill of celebs for a while. Sorry girls, I had to find some way to calm the masses.

Back to the Affleck thing. I just wanted everyone to know I figured it out. Thess was only pretending to pretend that SHE was Affleck, while Liz was telling the truth…partly. You see her real name IS Ben, but her last name is actually Aztec, not Affleck. So who is Affleck? Who cares as long as he doesn’t play in any more good movies that involve him not having a penis or wearing red leather tights.