Simpson nipslips in the ocean? Dumb.

One of the best booties in the celebrity universe in the ocean? Yumb.

Jessica’s recent trip to Miami Beach is reminiscent of one she made to the seashore of Los Cabos in a now-infamous yellow bikini that kept riding up into areas that men around the world dream about.

If you squint your eyes in just the right way (don’t pretend you’re not going to, Justin), you can almost make yourself believe she’s bottomless in some of these shots…

Check out all those horny boys just standing there in the surf, slack-jawed with wondrous awe over the beauty that is Alba, while she acknowledges their worship with a coquettish grin. Those guys will have mental fapping material for weeks. Classic.

Looks almost like the same top Kiki wore two years ago.

Verdict: Best type of top ever!

So the former Princesses of Pop held New Year’s Eve parties…Xtina’s in NYC and Brit’s in Vegas (that alone should give you some hint of where this is headed). Let’s just say that back when the girls were in their early years of fame, I never would have guessed where things would be today. Who knew “Dirrty” Miss Aguilera would end up being the classier one, all things being relative?

Is Britney trying to quit smoking or something? She’s got that wad of gum in her mouth pretty much everytime I’ve seen her recently. And that dress she got tarted up in, that’s one you’ve gotta shave to wear in public…and I don’t mean your legs.

VERDICT: I’m never getting knocked up.

Fapalicious!