What is it about anonymity that pours into people in code and comes running out like a ball of snot? Someone who I consider close online wondered if my alternate name meant an alternate personality, and you can only blame so much on pots calling kettles black, and even less of that can be assigned to personality quirks. In actuality everyone who uses the internet is a goddamn schizophrenic.
Personality A – The Reinvented: The nice quiet kid, the one who could get the creme of the crop dates if they could escape the horror of the friend zone – Camp X-Ray has nothing on a group of angsty teens and twenty-somethings looking for love in all the wrong places. This type wouldn’t call your female dog a bitch at the Westminster show, let alone attack even the skankiest of mothers (yo momma is sooo…nevermind). Breaking out from the ‘nice guy’ mode takes something extreme in this fast-paced world of pastable gossip and hits today gone tomorrow. Porn usually does the trick, nothing says Typical Guy louder than daily posts that consist of BangBus plugs and open-mouthed women with chests like misshapen missiles. This type is my personal favorite, there’s still a Nice Guy underneath, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get them on the phone.
Personality B – The Critic: Your hometown loser. You remember them, two steps and a crashland behind fashion trend, complexion reminiscent of pink marshmallow peeps after they have been unwrapped and tucked under a couch cushion for two weeks. An outcast perhaps, falling into two categories of catch-phrase: “I would give anything to be popular for just one day!” or “I hate those fucking jocks, they can stare down the barrel of my daddy’s gun tomorrow morning.” Female Bs are most often found bashing camgirls, fem musicians, actresses, Mother friggin’ Theresa if a boy they like online happens to think she’s ‘nice.’ But in the net dogfight the male Bs are god – they rain down criticism and judgment with a fat-dimpled or bone-stencilled fist, leering upon mere mortals from thrones of gore sites or comments sections. ph33r the l33t.
Personality C – The Unsure: Vaguely insecure teen meets world, satisfied with their social life but never quite at home with the bits beneath their skin. You want to like this type in the real world, if not for the constant “Do I look fat in this dress?” brand of questions (note: the correct answer is almost always “The dress doesn’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat”). Cs are the root of the camgirl/boy breed, the hardcore campeople who believe wishlists mean acceptance, and “<3" translates to anything other than "So when can I see your tits?" Cs are perhaps the biggest victims of this horrible personality trait - they're building self-respect houses out of shit bricks and amazon boxes, camouflaging with photoshop brushes and a couple flashes of skin. Ignore them, hate them, but never tell them you love them. C is the stray dog that comes back to your house for table scraps even after you buy a bigger dog. And a gun.
Personality D – The Older Sibling: Most of those who don’t fall into any of the above categories (or other misc areas including Stalker, Hitwhore, and Canadian) become the older sibling. They listen to your frantic IMs, they wipe your cybertears, and if you want to respond to them with topless pictures of yourself, well worry not, your net big brother will always assure you that it’s natural to take artistic nudes, especially when artistic includes their name scrawled around your nipple. Ds are the ones accused of pedophilia, the boybands of the web surrounded by underage attached fans and the men who hate them for it. They collect gossip straight from the source and dump it like so much child-molesting semen into the collective ear that is internet. Like all older siblings you will feel close to this type, and also like real siblings, learn to be careful – Ds know all your stupid stories and it doesn’t take much more than skipping a turn at chores to have them running to tattle.
This post wasn’t aimed at any personalities in particular. If one of the type descriptions pisses you off it’s probably because the truth hurts more than your free porn being taken away. There are lesser evils and mixes of these breeds but not many. Live it, love it, then get a faster connection.
