“Daddy, I need money, but I can’t tell you what it’s for.”
“I’ll learn the routine for her!”
“I can’t do it!”
“Is that what my money was for?”
“Johnny stole the wallets!”
“He was with me!”
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

Cue music.



Subject: Battle of the Bruces
From: “Jimbo” omgyoufoundoutyouwinprize!
Date: Sun, May 19 2002 2:01:07 PM +0100

Who would win in a fight: Bruce Lee, Bruce Willis, or Bruce Campbell? It’s a tough call, so I thought I’d ask an expert. Anyone who runs a kick-ass site like yours should be able to help me out here.

keep on rocking

Dear Jimbo,

First off, you drink too much.

Secondly, Bruce Lee would make mince-meat out of the other two. And it’s not because he knows martial arts. It’s because he knows martial arts, and he’s dead!

Sure, zombie hunter Bruce Campbell has a chainsaw for a hand. But even a chainsaw is no match for a muscle-bound, double nunchuck wielding Zombie Bruce Lee. He’ll butterfly kick the brain right out of Campbell’s head and then EAT IT.

I suppose Willis does have that little snot nosed sidekick who can see dead people. But I don’t remember hearing the kid say “I see dead people, and i can kick their dead ass.” Especially not if the dead guy is Bruce Lee.

Besides, if this guy couldn’t beat him, how could anyone?



It’s in our natural human instincts to be afraid of things. Say for instance, some people are afraid of bees because they know they might get stung. Some people are afraid of flying because the plane could wreck or whatever. And finally, some men are afraid of their girlfriends just because they might never know when PMS just might sneak up on them. Guys never truly want their girlfriends to be mad at them for no apparent reason (but it fucking sucks) so it’s in our human nature to do whatever possible to make our girlfriends feel comfortable. PMS has many bad side affects from a male’s point of view, but looking from the woman’s perspective, it has a very good side that until now has been their little secret. So it’s time to blow the lid off this ‘magical power’ known as PMS. In just 6 easy steps, you will know everything you need to know about how they use PMS to get whatever you want from you.

Step one: Whining! In this step, the shriller they whine, the better the results. Guys hate to hear their girlfriends whine, so we’ll do whatever necessary to make it stop. This step will usually happen on a football night, since this quickens the results by up to ten times guaranteed. If they’re one of the many gifted women with the talent to produce tears with a snap of their fingers, they’ll do just that. I don’t mean the little whimper with a few tears rolling down their cheeks… i mean the loud tantrums until they get what they so desire. They have to be careful with how frequently they use this step though. Because if they do it too much, that’ll make you think of her as a crybaby. And what woman would want to be thought off as a crybaby.

Step Two: Complaining of stomach pain as often as possible. Even if they’ve never experienced cramps in their entire life, you won’t be able to know this. Because you’re a guy. And guys don’t get girly cramps. This step will immediately get them the star treatment they’ve been craving. Suddenly, you’ll be doing things that you’ve never even dreamed of, like cooking, cleaning, and having deep discussions with her about life. This step may also help them realize if they should dump you. If you go out to the store, buy some Midol, and tell her that she should stay busy, she’ll think you’re no good and that you just want her to cater to your needs. How could you be so selfish?! So be wary of this tactic and act accordingly.

Step Three: Becoming extremely emotional. At random times throughout this week, they’ll cry for no reason at all. Then, when you ask what’s wrong or why they’re so upset, they’ll just respond with a very emotional and tear filled, “You just wouldn’t understand, okay!” Also, every time you say her name, give her a comforting look, or even walk into the same room that she’s in, she’ll flip out on you. She’ll pick a pointless fight about anything that’s been bugging her, or whatever pops into her head at that moment. This’ll ensure that for at least that day, that you won’t bother her with any of the nagging little questions that you might ask. She’ll also be able to get that much needed rest because you’ll just decide to let her cool off… freedom at last for her from you!

Step four: Ignoring you. Yes that’s right. She’ll just ignore you. This will surely prove one of two things. The first thing that it might prove is just how honest you’re being with her. If she’s ignoring you, you’ll surely become nervous and suspect that she knows of something that you’ve done wrong. If you has a guilty conscience, it won’t last for long. If you know you haven’t done anything wrong, then she won’t have to watch you squirm, and she can rest assured at night that you’ve been faithful to her. The second thing that this method might prove is just how far you’re willing to go for her. Regardless of if you’re guilty or not, you’ll bend over backwards to please her so you can get out of the doghouse as quickly as possible.

Step Five: Making things up. Guys have no concept of what goes on inside of a girl’s body besides whats been drilled into our heads at school. That means that we really don’t know what a period and PMS is fully capable of. We love to stay as far away from those subjects, and anything that even sounds like it could be in the same category, as possible. This is truly a blessing for her. This means that if she tells you that there’s an assured cure to stopping PMS for 24 hours, you’ll go to any extreme to find it for her. If they tell you that a foot massage is the ultimate cure all to menstruation cramps because it keeps your blood circulating properly throughout their entire body, you’d’ve already tuned them out by the time they get to the word blood and you’ll agree.

Finally, Step Six: Getting you alone and apologizing for how strangely they’ve been acting. By this time, you’re probably fed up with her, but since you’re still around, she knows you’re dependable and will stick by their side through good times and the worst of times. She may even want to buy you a little trinket of her love or whatever for you. This will assure her that you’ll stick around until the next month’s cycle of craziness.

Note: they’ll only use these steps when they’re feeling deprived of the love and attention that they they deserve from you. If you realize that they’re using these steps too much, then you’ll know for sure that they’re just taking advantage you. But then again, if you’re not a good guy in the first place, and that they have to resort to all these steps for attention, then who cares! You probably don’t deserve her anyway you pig.


Hi Res Lacey, Emily & Monica

Can you believe she’s married to that French guy in Ocean’s Twelve? I still can’t wrap my head around that one. It’s kind of like how Nikki Cox is married to Bobcat Goldthwait. Like, how in the hell did that happen.


The Boondock Saints

Why do people like this movie? It’s the most overrated piece of shit i’ve ever seen. I regret ever buying the DVD in the first place. I only picked it up because so many kept quoting the stupid the movie. Boondock Saints is terrible. Poorly written, poorly acted, inconsistent characters. How could anyone ever like it?

That scene where Willem Dafoe recounts what happened at the suburban house is so goddamn dumb. It took me weeks to get the image of that dumb bastard freaking out and saying “THERE WAS A FIREFIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT” out of my mind.

Not only is the movie stupid but the director is an asshole too. I hear he’s making a sequel. Hasn’t it been ‘in production’ for like the past 3 years or something? Whatever. I hope it never gets off the ground. Fuck Troy Duffy and fuck his movies. But you know what’s so great? The fact that he fucked himself over so much that he absolutely NO money AT ALL from the DVD sales.

For those of you who don’t know, Troy Duffy, is an asshole. He’s so much of an asshole that they actually made a documentary about it. It’s called Overnight. It tells the story of his rise to fame and how his egomaniacal ways caused him to fall from grace. Hard.

I’m too lazy to go into all the details of his downfall myself so here’s Roger Ebert’s review and synopsis of the film.

But if you’re too lazy to read, then watch the trailer instead.

“Overnight” tells a riches-to-rags story, like “Project Greenlight” played in reverse. “Greenlight,” you will recall, is the Miramax contest to choose and produce one screenplay every year by a hopeful first-time filmmaker. In “Overnight,” the director starts out with a contract and money from Miramax, and works his way back to no contract, no film, and no money. Call it “Project Red Light.”

The documentary tells the Hollywood story of a nine-day’s wonder named Troy Duffy. He was a bartender at a sports bar called J. Sloan’s on Melrose, and had written a screenplay titled “The Boondock Saints.” He, his brothers and some friends had a rock band. In Los Angeles, every bartender under the age of 70 has a screenplay and is in a rock band, and they all want Harvey Weinstein of Miramax to read their script. After all, Harvey made Matt Damon and Ben Affleck stars by producing their screenplay of “Good Will Hunting.”

Troy Duffy hits the trifecta. Not only does Harvey buy his screenplay, but he signs Duffy to direct it, and the band gets a recording contract, and he agrees to buy the bar; they’ll own it together. To celebrate his good fortune, Duffy asked two friends, Tony Montana and Mark Brian Smith, to make a documentary of his rise. It turned out to be about his fall.

I’d give anything to see footage of the early meetings between Weinstein and Duffy. What magic did the bartender have, to so bedazzle Harvey? By the opening scenes of “Overnight,” Duffy has sold a $300,000 script, has been given a $15 million budget, has signed with the William Morris Agency, and brags, “I get drunk at night, wake up the next morning hung over, go into those meetings in my overalls, and they’re all wearing suits.” Being Hollywood agents, they are probably also more familiar with the danger signals of alcoholism than Duffy is.

One of the subtexts of the movie involves how people look at Troy Duffy. He is very full of himself. At one point he actually says that Harvey Weinstein would like to be him. He keeps all of the money, tells the guys in the band they will get paid later, later tells them they don’t deserve a dime, and still later tells them, “You do deserve it, but you’re not gonna get it.” He is deeply satisfied with himself: “We got a deep cesspool of creativity here,” he says, and boasts “this is the first time in history they’ve signed a band sight unseen.” Also, he might have reflected, sound unheard. As he’s acting out his ego trip, the camera shows the others in the room looking at him with what can only be described as extremely fed-up expressions. His family, we sense during one scene, has been listening to this blowhard for a lifetime, and although they are happy to share his success, they’re sort of waiting to see how he screws up.

So are we. The movie is pieced together out of uneven footage, and the idea of a documentary seems to have occurred in the midst of filming; at one point, a Morris agent walks into the room, looks at the lens, and says, “Oh, you got a better camera!” There are unfortunately no scenes between Duffy and Weinstein; the initial infatuation happens before the film starts, and then Weinstein pulls out of the deal by putting “The Boondock Saints” into dreaded “turnaround.” The recording contract is also canceled.

Eventually a Hollywood producer named Elie Samada, who has been behind some good films but is a controversial character, picks up “The Boondock Saints” for much less than the Miramax price, and Duffy is elated again. Having dissed Keanu Reeves, Ethan Hawke and Jon Bon Jovi (“I didn’t even know he was an actor”), he hires the excellent Willem Dafoe; we see one scene being filmed, in which characters a lot like Duffy and his friends get drunk and go berserk. The finished movie is taken to the Cannes marketplace, where not one single offer is made to purchase it. “Saints” eventually plays for one week in five theaters. The soundtrack album sells less than 600 copies. Then a car jumps the curb and hits Duffy, who “flees his apartment and arms himself.”

Ah, but there’s a happy ending! “The Boondock Saints” becomes a cult favorite on DVD, and Duffy is currently directing “Boondock II: All Saint’s Day.” Unfortunately, the Morris agency neglected to secure for him any portion of the DVD profits.

I hate this movie and therefore i hate Troy Duffy, and i’m glad that he fucked himself over so bad that he can’t even get his stupid sequel off the ground.

The Boondock Saints sucks. Get over it.


Welcome to the OC, bitch

Subject: Laguna fucking beach
From: taylorjn
Date: Sun, 26 Dec 2004 03:05:56 -0500


Interesting site

I get lots of kicks from your site and find myself every so often checking it out when i finally peel my ass away from Anyway you are slacking. I mean shit ya G4TV fucking sucks yeah but laguna beach is what fucking sucks.

What is this shit? A bunch a whining fucking sluts and boyfriend hopping and shit fucking stupid. Reality TV is fucking stupid where do they get off on this shit. Everybody involved in the reality TV generation movement that has taken the american public is fucking dumb – i hate them and it and america

Post some damn pictures of Kristin and LC though cuz they are hot and i want them naked too.

Oh and that Julie Stoffers bitch sucks ass

Laguna Fucking Beach. What an amazing show that is. Goddamn bunch of spoiled rich kids. Seriously, do people like this REALLY exist? Rich blonde 17 and 18 year old bitches who like to party. Which includes going to Cabo for Spring Break, getting drunk, jumping on the bar and table dancing for a bunch of dudes of course, and then having sex with other girl’s boyfriends. Scandalous! And, it seems like these kids don’t even have parents because you barely even see them throughout the series. You just see kids blowing cash, driving around in their Mercedes, and lounging around in big houses and shit. Some of them are some really cute though.

So it’s supposed to be a ‘real’ reality show, starring real OC kids. It’s the real OC as MTV puts it. But i have a hard time believing that it’s not scripted. Then again, you really couldn’t really script the stupidity that comes out these kids. So at the very least, the show’s definitely got to be planned. Or staged. There’s no way they could have gotten such perfect looking shots without at least staging some of them. That said, i hate everyone on this show. All of them. All stupid.

But you’re right though. That LC is hot. Her and that Kristin slut. Not sure which one i’d do more given the chance but if it came down to Kristin, she’d have to leave that twitbag Lo at home though. Lo seems.. i don’t even know how to describe her. But evenso, Kristin; that girl is such a serious cunt rag. I swear to God. I’d totally run over her with a car if i saw her. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to be such a complete and total fucking bitch all the time.

I’d still fuck her though. She kinda looks like an Olsen twin.


Old Navy Blonde

It’s almost Christmas. And that means they’ll probably stop showing all the Old Navy ads once Christmas is over. So sad…

Anyhow, here are the links to all the ads online. In case you missed them in my first Old Navy Blonde post.

They probably won’t be up forever so check them out while you still can.

Hopefully they’ll use her again in their future ad campaigns.

Hi res pic:

Somebody even made a blog dedicated to her:

We still don’t know her name (for sure) so i’ll just keep calling her the Old Navy Blonde. At least until somebody can confirm that her name is, indeed, Lauren Hastings. As speculated.



G4techTV pisses me off. Here’s a list of all the things i currently hate about it.

Kevin Pereira

I hate this guy. Worst host ever on G4techTV. Stupid smug asshole. I’d like to ram an Xbox controller (the original Duke ones) up his ass and drop an Xbox on his head. 300 times. Have you seen this guy? He looks fucking skeezy. God i hate him. I hate when he goes on fucking gaming rants on Pulse. Shut the fuck up fanboy.

Chi Lan Lieu

I hate her smile. She’s always smiling. And when she smiles, it’s like her eyes disappear. What is she? Chinese? Korean? Squinty? Alllooksame? If Chi Lan Lieu were an emoticon, she would be:


With a big smile like this of course 😀

But with eyes like this -_-

I’d still hit it though. Even though i hate her.

Those stupid G-Spot pop ups

I hate it when i’m watching some stupid shitty show on G4techTV and that stupid fucking pop up things fucking pops up with it’s fucking LOUD and JARRING sound effects. You know, when all of a sudden out of fucking nowhere you see some stupid wooden plank thing or whatever pop up on the bottom of your TV screen and then some shitty spray painted G- Spot thing gets spray painted and then disappears? That’s the thing i hate. That stupid pop up. I hate it.

I hate the new Screen Savers

Ruined. Totally ruined. What used to be the best tech show on TV has now become a fucking gaming show. Not that i hate gaming but shit. They have other shows for that like X Play or Electronic Playground or whatever. Where is the TECH in G4techTV? The Screensavers used to have tech. Now it’s gone! All gone! Have you noticed how fucking stupid all the live calls have become? Back in the day you’d get questions from tech newbs that were actually good. Nowadays it’s fucking questions like “Is there anyway to play PC CD ROMS on an Xbox?”. Stupid. Also you can tell that Kevin Rose and Sarah Lane fucking hate the new hosts (Kevin P and Chi Lan fucking Lieu). Kevin even posted something to the effect of “When Chi Lan answers a live call, God kills a kitten” or something on his blog (which he later erased). The new Screensavers sucks.

I hate Martin Sargent and his stupid Unscrewed show

He’s not funny. His show is not funny. And there’s nothing worse.. NOTHING worse.. than a live studio audience that laughs at things that you KNOW isn’t funny.. but they’re laughing at it anyway. There’s is NOTHING funny about him or his show. NOTHING. And yet, you still hear the fucking audience laugh anyway. But hey, at least they cancelled that stupid show and fired his ass.

I hate Arena

What a useless show. Fucking useless. I hate it.

I hate Cinematech

What a useless show. Fucking useless. I hate it.

I hate Cheat

What a useless show. Fucking useless. I hate it.

I hate G4TV

They killed TechTV. They killed of ALL their good shows, ALL their good on air talent, and ALL the good things that the original TechTV had to offer. Namely, all the TECH shows that TechTV had to offer. Now all we have is some bastard child G4TechTV hybrid channel that’s 99% gaming and 1% tech. In fact, if i’m not mistaken, G4techTV is actually dropping the TechTV from it’s name in January and going back to being G4TV again. Fuck G4.

Other things i hate:

Those stupid Truth ads

I hate those stupid ads. You know the ones. The ones where you see a bunch of dumb kids with some dumbass related to some other dead dumbass or whoever showing up in the middle of the city in front of some dumb cigarette company and and then setting up some dumb podium or chair or microphone or some shit for the dumb cigarette company people to come down to to respond to some dumb shit question some dumb people are asking and never getting an answer to. I hate those dumb commercials. Fucking dumb. Smokers, cigarette companies and the people who make those Truth ads; all dumb. They can all go to hell.

Okay back to G4techTV shit. Because i still hate it so much more than anything else right now.

I hate Robot Wars

What a useless show. Fucking useless. I hate it. I can’t believe they shitcanned all the good TechTV shows like Fresh Gear and whatnot and kept this shitty show on the air. Stupid. I hate it.

I hate whatsherface. That MTV bitch.

What the hell is she doing on fucking G4TechTV? Julie. That’s her name. Julie Stoffer. What the fuck. Is she even a gamer? Isn’t she Mormon? Do Mormons even play videogames? Stupid. I hate her.

I hate Tommy Tallarico

Back in the day, i thought this guy was the shit. He made some of the best music for some of the best games ever like Earthworm Jim and shit. I used to read all the interviews he did in EGM and all the other videogame magazines and thought “Wow! What a cool guy!”. Then to my surprise, when i first saw him on Judgment Day, i was like, “Hey! it’s Tommy Tallarico!”. Now whenever i see him on TV, i’m like, “Fuck. It’s Tommy Tallarico”. Okay, actually he’s not that bad. He can be funny sometimes. It’s just that i can’t stand his voice. I hate his voice. Maybe i should reword the heading.

I hate Tommy Tallarico’s voice

I hate it.


Okay what else do i hate.

I’m sure there’s more.

I should’ve made a real list beforehand. Now i’m just thinking of things off the top of my head. Obviously, i’m only scratching the surface with all my G4techTV complaints. There’s a whole lot more to everything but it’s all been covered on other sites and other forums. And i’m sure at least some of you know what i’m talking about.

All you have to do is just google “G4 TechTV sucks” or “the new screensavers sucks” and you’ll see how horrible G4 has been to TechTV since their merger/buyout.

I hate G4techTV.