Do not pass Go, pay the city of Orlando 270 dollars.

Happy Halloween, boys and girls.

In other news: Jam Master Jay from Run-DMC shot and killed in his recording studio. (Link from Yahoo!News.)

Edited because I don’t feel like making a new post to go overtop this one:

On my way home from Cooca Beach this morning, I got a speeding ticket. Speeding in a school zone, no less. At 8:30 in the morning. By a motorcycle cop who, no lie, was a dead ringer for the bumbling cop in Magnolia with the cokehead girlfriend.

…I’m really, really upset, and significantly poorer, once I send the bastards a check, but I realized as I was driving (slowly) away that all things considered, I really did deserve to get it. I’ve gotten out of so much shit, so many stops and traffic violations, and even a hit-and-run (technically, that’s what it was; I hit a Sears truck and tried to dip city–he caught up with me and we gained the attention of an idle police officer a few miles down the road) …all because, in the county I grew up in, my father is a detective with the Sheriff’s department, and my brother in law is also an officer. My grandfather was Highway Patrol, and that helped too. I guess living several counties away, now, it all just finally caught up with me.


Kid, I Will Shove That Pumpkin Straight Up Your…

Well, everybody, it’s almost Halloween again, which means it’s time for all of us to kick back and remember the good ol’ days.

Where I grew up, God’s little cruel joke on us youngsters was making it snow for Halloween. I can only assume this was because Easter was completely lost on us, and He was getting back at us for looking forward to Halloween so much. I mean, really, when’s the last time you saw someone go out for Halloween dressed as a biblical figure? I mean, other than the time me and Damon tried going out as a plague of locusts. Hence, snow for Halloween. Nothing quite complements a great Spider-Man costume like a fucking parka.

I got a couple of older cousins who remember going out trick-or-treating without having their parents hanging over their shoulder. Nothing quite like the badge of shame you get from having mom follow you around in the family station wagon. Hell, they remember a time when parents didn’t comb through your candy looking for razorblades and anthrax. I think my mother just wanted her cut of the take, which was probably at least twenty-five percent; this is probably related to her recent indictment on extortion and racketeering charges.

For all intents and purposes, it’s a kids’ holiday, but the parents don’t seem to see it that way. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone’s totally insane out here in Hollywood, but last year, Saturday before Halloween, I’m sitting in my apartment and there’s a knock on the door. I figure it’s the hooker I ordered, so I open the door and see this little kid dressed up as Good Will Hunting. I stifle the urge to call him a fucking prick and he says, “Trick or treat.” Now, Halloween’s not for another three or so days, so I ain’t got any candy, and I tell him that. Next thing I know, Queen Bitch of the Universe (his mother) walks up and asks why I don’t have any candy for her child, like it’s his fucking birthright. Apparently, it was her belief that she could just “bump Halloween up” a few days, so her kid wouldn’t be going out on a schoolnight. I, of course, have to break it to the crazy bitch that Halloween isn’t one of those floating-holidays like Thanksgiving, and it doesn’t take place on the last Saturday in October, so I ain’t got any candy for her kid. And, just before I close the door on these buffoons, I get right in the kid’s face and say, “So how do you like them apples?” *SLAM*

So, this week, I’m expecting to open the door to a little ten year-old girl and say, “My, my, that’s quite a streetwalker costume you’ve got there,” to which she’ll inevitably respond that she’s actually dressed up like Christina Aguilera.


This will be short and pointless. I am not meaning it to be some long interesting post, like those you have all loved reading about lately (like from Thess and Jamlink.) I could try to write one like that but I’d look like an idiot while doing so. I just wanted to share THIS with you all. Oh I love me some Jenny… Everybody look at that short movie and giggle!

Please, no “you suck.” comments. I already know that.

In an effort to redeem myself…

So a friend of mine comes over the other night to hang out and brings his new girlfriend with him. Ok, so I guess they are not girlfriend and boyfriend yet. Dating? Seeing each other? What is the proper terminology you single people use these days? When does it switch from one to the next?

Here is the way I figure it for a guy:
You go out one night and meet a new girl that you find to be to your liking, so you get their phone number. If you talk long enough that night and end up with a good night kiss with plans to call or go out, you are temporarily considered “dating”. This status only remains for about three days, at which point if there has been no further contact, they are just some “chick” you met one night. If you do talk again after the three days, the status does not reinstate until after you actually see them again in person, and only then if you get at least another good kiss.

Now, if that first night you sleep with her, she was a “one night stand”. If you do talk again, then she is a “booty call”. This status can only be upgraded to “dating” once you see each other and don’t sleep together within 24hrs of doing so.

The above scenarios move on to “seeing each other” status once you have eliminated everyone else form your repertoire of “dating” girls. She also has to no longer be “dating” anyone else.

This girl does not update to “girlfriend” status until you have had the talk. The talk involves you or her asking the other, “So what are we?”. Usually this is the girl asking this question in which case you are suckered into the new status by being forced to either be bumped back to “dating” or move on to “girlfriend/boyfriend”. This status is also obtained if you are stuck in “seeing each other” status for longer then three months and all of your boys now call her your “girlfriend”, even if you deny this status. This three months can include the “dating” period of time if you have become especially pussy whipped and your boys are calling you on it. No use denying it, she is now your “girlfriend”.

Although still referred to as “girlfriend” status, the next level often involves the “living together” status. This is obtained the obvious way by moving in together. Whether in your own place or someone else’s, including either sets of parents. This status can also be obtained when you have enough clothes at her place to stay for at least one week, and you actually have slept there that many days in a row. If you have to actually “go get your shit” if you break up, and you need a truck to do it, then you are technically “living together”. This stage can be skipped to move on to the next in some cases, however uncommon in today’s day and age.

The fun part comes at the “engaged” status. Obviously this can only occur when you ask the girl to marry you. Some guys use this as the “keep the bitch from leaving me” cop out in which they don’t actually buy the girl a ring but still pop the question. Usually occurs after she has been nagging him about getting married for some time. Even if this is the reason you ask, you are still “engaged” because she will tell everyone you know. Also, if you have had your “girlfriend” for several years and all of your boys refer to her as your “wife”. Guess what. They just granted you “engaged” status. Denying this status can only delay it for the first ten or so denies, and threatening your buys with bodily harm if they keep calling her your “wife” automatically upgrades you to “engaged”. Basically this “pseudo engaged” is the same as the “keep the bitch from leaving me” but she has not been nagging you as much.

Another status that does not have to take place is the “mother of my children” status. Should have strapped your shit dumb ass. Not going to elaborate on this one, but once this status is obtained it can never be gotten rid of even if all others are removed.

The last status is “fucked”. In layman terms this means you walked down the aisle, put a ring on her finger, and you are now living together. Some will calls this “married” or “wife” status. Even if you love her and you two have a happy marriage, this status is still “fucked”. Why? Because your balls are no longer yours, she is just letting you borrow them. Yes assholes, this is my status, at least I had my balls up until then.

And to keep up with Thess, how bout some free cartoon porn!

Another pointless update.

I think my roomate (the one I like) has strep throat. Wonderful. Now everything in the apartment is contaminated with germs, and we’ll all get sick, and possibly get scarlet fever or something.

Whooping cough. I don’t know.

My first day off work in eight days, and since I closed last night and got home around 4, I proceeded to waste it by sleeping until 2, then finishing up “Choke” by Chuck Palahniuk. (Medical school dropout sex addict with an insane, bed-ridden mother, makes money by choking on food in restaurants, etc. etc.) Pretty good book.

So Shawn’s cousin turns 9 this weekend, and his parents decided to do a haunted house/birthday party whatever thing for her…I’m reasonably sure I’m going to have to go help out and watch a bunch of germy little girls run free like a herd of antelope through their house. Please God, let someone call in sick so I have to work and miss the fun. …Yeah, I’m going to be a great teacher. Perhaps this is a career choice I should rethink.

So, in regards to that last update, the one from Meg…

What’s the difference between a 25 year old man seeing pictures of a minor’s chest (fully clothed) and being interested enough in the prospect of what’s underneath them to ask for pictures of your tits…versus a man of unknown age, assumed to be “old” who sees and wants the same thing? I mean…they’re both older. They’re both strangers. They both want to see underage boobs. So why giggle at one, or blow it off like it’s nothing; but call the other a pervert?

I’m not ragging on anyone, nor insulting; Meg’s updates are interesting, and I read her page occasionally. I just don’t get the distinction.

We’ll close this one up with a link to soft porn of some weird-looking chick who forgot to clear off the stubble before getting in front of a camera:

Stupid People

OK i was on MSN today, and well, this guy added me, I didnt know him or anything, but listen to him…I am EYECANDY he is the wierd one… says:
where are you from??

EYE(*)CANDY says:
canada says:
Italy says:
how old are you??

EYE(*)CANDY says:
i am 17 says:
I am 25 says:
have you a cam??

EYE(*)CANDY says:
yeah, its on my website… says:
you are beautiful lady says:
do you like video chat??

EYE(*)CANDY says:
no not yet

EYE(*)CANDY says:
i dont have the program says:
understand says:
have you a photo?? says:
pivs says:
pics says:
sexy pics says:
i like you

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I would like a number three supersized with a coke…….And Then?

In an effort to educate you readers, I have come up with a glossary of terms below and their corresponding definitions. This is a college level course however involving a sexually explicit nature, so anyone underage or that takes offense easily should skip straight to the comments section.

Fellatio: Latin meaning, “to suck”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the penis

Cunnilingus: Latin meaning, “act of licking”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris.

Heterosexual: Relating to sexual intercourse between individuals of the opposite sex.

Homosexual: Relating to sexual intercourse between individuals of the same sex.

Lesbian: Relating to sexual intercourse between females of the same sex.

Tossing the Salad: Latin meaning, “to eat shit”. More often referred to as the oral stimulation of the rectum.

Snow Balling: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, after the female partner finishes performing fellatio on the male partner to the point of ejaculation, she will store hold his semen in her mouth. Then she will move to kiss the male partner, re-depositing the semen in his mouth. Usually this act is a surprise to the male partner.

Felching: Usually in a homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the first partner ejaculates inside the other’s rectum. The ejaculating partner will then suck the semen back out of the other partner’s ass, I mean rectum. This process usually involves a straw to assist in the process.

Dirty Sanchez: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the male (giving) partner discovers left over feces on his penis. The process is when the male partner uses his penis to draw a mustache on the female (receiving, also known as bitch) partner’s face using the female partner’s feces.

Eiffel Tower (also referred to as finger cuffs): Involving two males and one female where one male is having sex with the female in a doggy style position and she if performing fellatio on the other partner. The process is when the two male partners “high five” over the top of the female. Finger cuffs reference relates to Chinese finger cuffs.

Rusty Trombone: Usually in a homosexual relationship, when one male is tossing the salad of his partner while reaching around and masturbating his partner at the same time.

Lucky Pierre: The center partner in a three way homosexual relationship in which one partner is giving, the receiver is also giving, and the third partner is only receiving.

Hot Lunch: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the female partner is lying on her back and the male partner is sitting on the females chest while she performs fellatio on him. The process is when the male partner shits, I mean defecates on the female partner’s chest.

Cold Lunch: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the male partner is intoxicated and is standing up while the female partner is on her knees or some other crouching position performing fellatio on him. The process is when the male partner pukes, I mean regurgitates on the female partner’s head.

Angry Dragon: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, after the female partner finishes performing fellatio on the male partner to the point of ejaculation. The process is when the male partner grabs the female partner by her throat, forcing her to breathe his ejaculation up and out her nose. Also works when the male partner punches the female partner in the forehead.

Pirates Treasure: In a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, when the two partners are engaged in anal sex and the male (giving) partner discovers left over feces on his penis. The process is when the male partner cries out “AAARRRGGGHHH!!!” upon his discovery.

Screwnicorn: Usually in a lesbian relationship, in which one partner straps on a false penis (dildo) to her chin in order to perform cunnilingus while using the false penis (dildo) to penetrate her partner at the same time.

Houdini: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, when the male partner is about to ejaculate while having intercourse with his partner in a doggy style position. The process is when the male partner removes his penis from the female partner’s vagina and then spits (using his mouth or a mayonnaise packet) in the middle of her back. When the female partner turns around to look at the male, he then ejaculates in her face causing surprise.

Abraham Lincoln: Usually in a heterosexual relationship, when the male partner is about to ejaculate while having intercourse with his partner in a doggy style position. The process is when the male partner punches the female in the back of her head knocking her out. He then turns the female over on her back and ejaculates on her chin. The male partner will then shave his pubic hair off and use this with his ejaculation as glue to form a false beard on the female partner.

The Real Avril Speaks

Mon Aug 12, 2002 12:00:00 AM
“Dear Fans,

I just want all of you guys to know that some idiot out there is posing as me and sending emails to various message boards, dissing my fans and just being a jerk in general. One of the email addresses he/she is using is….but he/she keeps changing them.

First of all I don’t have an AOL account and I would never put my name in my email address. And most important I love all my fans. I would never take them for granted or say anything bad about them. Please just ignore this pathetic person out there who has nothing else better to do than sit at home by him/herself and pretend he/she is me…obsessed!!!”



Now that was authentic, off of her website journal (that is rarely updated). Thanks to Nick Bryant for the link, although I don’t think this is in relation to fubar. I thought what she had to say was rather… heh, kinda lame.

The Sniper

ok so everyone thinks that my posts are about my tits, or lizzies tits, or penis’ so I am here to prove that untrue. Ok, so I am sure that everyone has heard about what is going on in the states, with the whole sniper thing. I know not everyone wants to talk about it, but I know that the majority of viewers of this site are from the USA and I thought that I should address it, and send them my best wishes, I really hope that they caught him, I mean, how horrible is it to decide that a small child deserves to die, and shoot them, not right….Anyway, so that was part of my post.

Anyway, I thought i would tell every one that I talked to Renee I know that it is kind of stupid to want to brag about it, but I think that she is awesome, and I want to be as *says with lisp (josie and the pussy cats)* pretty and popular. Anyway, I thought she was pretty nice…in our whole 2 second coversation….

Oh yeah, everyone congratulate Liz on not being a “hermit” any more, she spent last night in the pissing rain to go on a haunted hayride….it was fun!! Anyway, see ya later, going out with Leah, find us some boys!! haha jk…..HALLOWE’EN IS COMING!!!!!! I bought my costume, it is kinda like a goth, or something check out my stockings tho cause they rock see ya guys…i know it wasnt as grrreat as justins, but i tried…

In lieu of pictures…

…we’ll just do an all-text post. Feel free not to read it; it’s more whining than anything else, and not really interesting to anyone but me; you’ll only bitch, and then I’ll have to edit your comments. At which point you’ll bitch more, and I’ll edit more, and really…it’s a vicious cycle. Just hope Suzi posts something over top of it, or something.

I’m seriously edging on the possibility of hating my roomate. I moved to Orlando a few months ago, into an apartment with a friend from high school and some guy he’s friends with. Pete, my friend, is a great guy. Tattoo-covered, Marlboro smoking, metalhead philosophy major with a girlfriend who’s so fucking goth, it probably hurts. He’s pretty funny, pretty cleanly (ie., knows how to use a vaccuum and dishwasher) and is a good enough friend to have sat through a few hysterical crying binges (both in the phone and on person) with me a few times.

Then there’s the other guy, who I’m unfortunate enough to have to share a bathroom with. The guy who still hasn’t unpacked his boxes 3 months into us living here. Who pours himself a glass of that nasty sugar-Koolaid-lemonaide concotion he makes and warns no one else to drink, because it’s his, then spills all over the carpet in a trail back to his room. The 21-year-old guy who dates a 16 year old who has hygeine almost as bad as his…the kind of person who makes me physically ill to the point where I can’t even look at him without gritting my teeth anymore.

He showers every three days, max. I know this because when I mentioned that I have had to scrub out the bathtub four times since we’ve moved in, due to a black scum that mysteriously accumulates to an astonishing degree of filth with a pretty fair regularity, he informed me that he had nothing to do with it, since he only gets in it to shower every few days or so. …Maybe that’s why it happens, dude. Something about stale sweat, and the grease from your disgusting, usually-unbrushed hair. I’ve never had to clean like this before, even with going to the beach during the summer a lot.

So we all decided to share groceries, and just toss in every week, rather than fighting over whose food was whose, and who had what shelf in the kitchen; it worked out well until he demanded change from the $10 he gave me after I brought home a $70.00 receipt. His reasoning being that he didn’t think we needed the various meats (chicken, etc.) that I got, nor the breakfast stuff, nor the noodles, sauces, a bag of chips, toilet paper, sodas, juice, and…well, you really don’t want to hear the whole shopping list. Apparently, he only expected to have to pay for the sliced bread and vineager that he shoves in a bowl together and eats with a spoon. Yet when I cook dinner, he’s the first one in line, a plate clutched between his grubby hands, hovering until he gets what he wants. He’ll EAT the food, apparently, but doesn’t want to pay for it.

Or the time Shawn did his laundry over at our apartment, and used his detergent; I was informed AFTER Shawn had left (because apparently homeboy is too much of a pussy to say it to another man’s face) that I owed him five bucks, since my boyfriend had used his stuff. Which I can understand, if only his Wal-Mart brand laundry shit cost that much. Or if Shawn had used all of it. Or if I were the person who actually USED it, and therefore caused the “extra” expenditure.

It’s finicky, and probably anal retentive, but something about a person who leaves a plate full of dinner scraps sitting on the couch, the fork next to it (ON the couch) until someone else cleans it up isn’t exactly someone I want to live with. Someone who uses the orange plastic cup for weeks on end, leaving it sitting out and never washing it between drinks, no matter what’s crusted onto the bottom, is kinda disgusting.

I’m pretty neurotic about keeping the place clean. I sweep, mop, vaccuum and dust every week before work one day. So the fact that upon coming home at 3 in the morning, after serving drunk, obnoxious private college kids overpriced beer all night, I get whined at that he had to do dishes today…it doesn’t really sit too well. The way I figure it, if I clean and cook dinner most nights and do the dishes afterwards, the occasional load of dishes or general picking up isn’t something I should have to hear you bitch about. I’m certainly not OWED anything, since I’d clean no matter what, and I enjoy cooking…but I don’t owe YOU anything for doing your share, either.

Maybe it’s his voice, too, as shallow as it is. A lisping sort of speech impediment probably caused by his disporportionately large jaw. Maybe it’s just him. A computer science major with fewer people skills than a boarhog, contrasted with more book smarts in the SINGLE area of learning that he’s interested in. A superiority complex that far surpasses anything I can muster, even on the bitchiest day. Selfish, lazy kid whose mother has cleaned up after him his whole life; to the point of doing his laundry for him and folding it…I think he just expects any female he lives with to fall into that role, actually.

I just…augh, I don’t know. It pisses me off that I can go spend the weekend in Cocoa, come back happy and not-bitchy and relaxed, then as soon as I walk in the door, he’s THERE, just SITTING THERE on the couch, saying something stupid.

I suppose it’s my own fault, at least partially, that I let some idiot kid get to me…that I let anyone get me worked up, actually. I think that’s my main thing…letting major problems pass me by, just ignoring them and smiling, but blowing up (internally or where people can see) at small annoyances.

Oh, hell. Here’s some more pictures.
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