Thank God Almighty, I Am Free At Last

Posted on by
9

Yeah, yeah, so J-Lo dumped me. It wasn’t because of my affairs with strippers, and it wasn’t because I tried to get Smith to cut her out of Jersey Girl entirely, and it wasn’t even because of her apparently very satisfying orgies with the former members of the Miami Sound Machine. No, it was because of my plans for Superbowl Sunday.

The Superbowl is a long-heralded tradition of testosterone here in America, when it’s perfectly okay to settle down with a bowl of corn chips the size of your television and enough salsa to fill Kathy Bates’ bathtub. Oh yes, Superbowl Sunday is that time when men most resemble the Neanderthals of a million years ago, if only those cavemen had television. It’s the one day of the year when it’s socially acceptable for men to paint their faces and scream like extras from Braveheart. Women wear makeup every day of the year, this is our day.

Anyway, J-Lo wanted to go to the Superbowl with me, which would be fine any other year, but I said, “No, baby, I got plans.” This isn’t like the NBA Finals or watching the Red Sox get knocked out of the ALCS. This is not a day for men to be bringing their wives and/or girlfriends to the show, let alone for the show that I’m going to.

That’s right, boys, I’m going to be at the Lingerie Bowl. After all, Superbowls happen every year. Things like the Lingerie Bowl and the XFL are once-in-a-lifetime occurrences, and I’m going to be there for this one. What man in his right mind wouldn’t go if he had the money and a nagging girlfriend who’s threatening to go back to Puff Daddy? The only downside is that the Lingerie Bowl is only during the Superbowl’s halftime, whereas I think just this one year the Superbowl should be a half-hour and the Lingerie Bowl should be three hours.

After all, let’s weigh the two against each other:

  • The Superbowl is the fulfillment of an entire season of NFL football, bringing the champions of the AFC and NFC together to duke it out and see which conference takes the trophy this year. The Lingerie Bowl, on the other hand, is the fulfillment of every heterosexual man’s fantasies, like a catfight with rules and corporate sponsors.
  • The Superbowl features eleven overgrown men per team on the field at a time; the Lingerie Bowl features seven women per team, wearing lacy-looking sports bras and volleyball shorts. While it’s not real lingerie, I think the girls win that argument.

In the end, the question comes to, which one do you root for? Which one, out of Team Dream or Team Euphoria, would you put money on? Without going into any huge amount of detail, I’m leaning towards Team Euphoria, whose quarterback is Angie Everhart, to win by seven. Damon, on the other hand is going for Team Dream, quarterbacked by Nikki Ziering. I can’t explain Damon’s bet, but my uncle Artie once told me never to bet against a redheaded supermodel in an event that passes for athletic competition while shamelessly bordering on sexploitation.

And, maybe uncle Artie was right, but who’s getting exploited here? Is it the models and the other gorgeous women playing for the two teams (who often make good money for wearing less clothing than in this event), or the men who are paying $24.99 for a halftime show?

I’m glad we’re in agreeance!

Posted on by
15

First off, this is one of the greatest sites ever…endless fun.

Now to the subject on hand: I still hate stupid people.

Embody the Jotun: bad religion should be taken out and beaten by Euronymous
Teh Bubba: taken our from where?
Teh Bubba: out
Embody the Jotun: taken out back
Embody the Jotun: taken from wherever they are
Teh Bubba: …and beaten by whom?
Embody the Jotun: Euronymous
Teh Bubba: mhmm
Embody the Jotun: im glad you are in agreeance
Teh Bubba: i guess…if that’s a word. not sure who euronymous is, but whatever. bad religion is old, and they still rock.
Embody the Jotun: what word are yo unsure of? Euronymous or agreeance?
Teh Bubba: agreeance
Embody the Jotun: it is, and its spelled correctly
Embody the Jotun: look it up shmoe
Teh Bubba: you look it up
Teh Bubba: i’m pretty sure i’m right
Embody the Jotun: it says cnn said scholars say that agreeance is in the oxford dictionary and dates back to the 18th century
Embody the Jotun: it says agreement is more common but both are right
Teh Bubba: well there you go. i don’t use it though.
Embody the Jotun: i dont think many people do
Teh Bubba: still not a word

I hate when people send their friends that I don’t even know to bother me…fuckers. I was going to write some long-winded rant on stupid people, but once I started writing I decided I just didn’t care enough.

If I felt like thinking, writing, thought I could actually make some people un-stupid, and just plain cared enough, then I would have probably made a site just like this one here; however, I don’t. Stupid people will always be stupid, but it doesn’t mean I have to learn to accept it. This is where I’d end with some kind of point, but I won’t just to spite any stupid people who might have actually read this shit. Anyway, in the words of the great J Davis 074 (he’s another stupid person story all by himself, but I won’t be bothered with writing about him):

J Davis 074: oh eat one

YES! EAT! ONE! OH!

Oh eat one, stupid people.