I was going to do a cock joke but then i thought against it because i figured it would be too juvenile.

In other news, i took a dump yesterday and i must’ve had to wipe like 6 or 7 times. Persistent little shit i tell ya.

Question: What’s the difference between Jessica Alba, Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria?

Answer: I wouldn’t do Jessica Alba.

Although i did masturbate to her nipple the other day*. So maybe that counts for something.

*(this may or may not have actually happened)

I downloaded Fantastic Four last night. I was expecting the movie to suck. But lo and behold, it’s actually a pretty fun movie. I thought Chris Evans was great as the Human Torch. He totally had all the best lines. Michael Chiklis also did an awesome job playing The Thing. I actually felt sad for his character a coupla times. And what the fuck is up with his wife? That bitch is COLD.

Oh and if you’re wondering about Jessica Alba’s bra and panties scene, this is all there is to it.

Apparently the movie made quite A LOT of money over the weekend. More than anybody even expected. They had it pegged at around 30 mil but it ended up making like 56 or something. Not bad.

Also saw War Of The Worlds on DVD the other day. I was actually surprised at how hard it pushed its PG-13 rating. Almost seemed like a borderline R to me at times. When i first saw the aliens turn those running humans into dust, i was like “whoa”. Pretty thrilling stuff. I had chills running down my spine. Did anybody notice the numerous references to 9/11 and the war on terrorism? The downed plane, the Twin Tower-less shot of the horizon, the ash covered people, the mentioning of terrorists, Tim Robbins talking about how occupancies always fail etc. Maybe it’s just me. But i thought it all made up for the lack of plot. It definitely made me think. Anyhow, it was good to see Dakota Fanning in yet another movie. That girl should be in all movies. Best child actor of this generation i say. I heart Dakota Fanning.

I guess the next movie i’m looking forward to seeing is The Island. If only because it’s a Michael Bay flick and Scarlett Johansson’s in it. Other than that, the premise isn’t all that intriguing to me. But then again it might pull a Fantastic Four and hook me in after the fact. I saw Eight Legged Freaks for the first time the other day. Scarlett looked pretty yummy back then. Back during a time when she wasn’t banging greasy looking actors in elevators. Also saw her in The Horse Whisperer a while back. No comment*.

*(i’d’ve hit it even back then)

AAAAHHHHH. WTF HAPPENED TO YOU.

For goodness sakes, take off those goddamn veneers. You really don’t need them. Your teeth are fine the way they are. Those things make you look like a horse. Kind of like your sister. And are you losing weight?? You’re starting to look like Lohag. What the hell.

I’m not even going to post thumbnails of this gallery in fear that you might scare everyone away. I take back everything i’ve said about you ever being hot.

Saw her in that Stuck On You movie on TV the other day. Never knew she was in it. Never thought much of her until then either. She’s actually pretty hot. Why didn’t realize this fact in 2 Fast 2 Furious, i have no idea.

This also makes me wonder which of the two Eva’s is hotter. Eva Mendes. Or Eva Longoria. I haven’t really looked into Eva Longoria much. I know she’s on that Desperate Housewives show (which i’ve never seen). Bu other than that, she’s pretty much as ignored by me as Eva Mendes (once) was. Until now!

Eva Mendes:

Eva Longoria:

Based on what i’ve seen of the two so far, i’ll have to give the nod to Eva Mendes. I think she’s hotter in my mind.

Even though she has no nipples.

I revamped the look of the comments section a bit. Nothing major. Should be no problem to get used to. Also added Gravatar functionality. So now you can have you own personal Gravatar (you know, kind of like how you have avatars in forums) next to each comment you make.

You’ll have to sign up for one over at gravatar.com. Up to you if you wanna have one.

I’d probably do Kelly if she weren’t such a fat smelly bitch. I liked her better when she was a Hanson* fan. Then she became all punky and stuff. Like a wannabe Avril.

Pssh.

Nobody can out-Avril Avril. Avril invented punk.

So then Kelly started wearing girly dresses again.

TITTAYS

Go on. Have a look. You know you want to.

There’s also some Gwen Stefani pics in there too.

I’d probably do Gwen if she weren’t a member of the itty bitty titty committee.

Speaking of which, do her boobs seem bigger (even though they’re still pretty small) to you these days? I don’t remember them being as big back in 1995.

*(i’d totally do the chick in Hanson by the way. MMMbop!)

– July 11 1988 –

Amanda paints a pretty picture… on the dog.

THE WIZARD! Wow! Opening credits! Christian Slater! Beau Bridges! Super Marios Bros!! KEVIN ARNOLD! WOW! California! California! Hi! FRED SAVAGE! Retard videogame playing genius! Hot girl! Where’s Winnie Cooper? Wow! Cosmo magazine! Hot girl taller than Fred Savage! Long kiss on top of trailer! Damn FRED SAVAGE! Nintendo Entertainment System! Oh no! Bad kids in trenchcoats! Vision Streetwear! Power Glove!! Wow! POWER GLOVE! “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”!! Power Glove in dog movie Beethoven too! Power Glove starred in more movies than Fred Savage! RAD RACER! Oh no! Bad kid kick ass! It’s in the Power Glove! Power Glove actually deliver more believable performance than Fred Savage! I think it won Best Supporting Actor In A Movie Starring Fred Savage! Sorry Cary Elwes! Bad kid Lucas still kick ass! I want Power Glove! What to do now! Bring out retard who plays games good! Oh no! Retard run away! Oh no! Video Armageddon! SUPER MARIO BROS. 3!! WOW! Magic flute! WARP ZONE! Boo! Cheater! Win championship! YAY! Super Mario Bros. 3!!! All go home now.

“I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”

I’m going to masturbate to these pictures of Hayden Panettiere in a bikini*

* this may or may not actually happen

So i got bored with the Dreamcast and unplugged it. Now i’m playing Nintendo 64 games. I tried playing Goldeneye but i just couldn’t get used to the (now) wacky control scheme. I tried using all the different controller configurations to no avail. I just suck at controlling the game. Which is weird because i had no problem playing Turok all those years ago. I blame dual analog joysticks. Playing FPS’s on Dreamcast and N64 is just nigh-on impossible now.

I also tried playing Perfect Dark. And guess what, i couldn’t play that game for shit either. And again, i blame the wacky control setup AND the jerky graphics. Seriously, the framerate in that game is HORRIBLE. Even with the Expansion Pak. Setting it to letterbox barely even helps. How in the world did we even tolerate all of that back then? The only games i’m able to play skillfully are racing and flying games. Diddy Kong Racing pwns. And so does StarFox 64. Beetle Adventure Racing pwns too. I never played Mario Kart 64 though. Did i miss out on anything? Mario Kart for the SNES ruled. I heard MK64 wasn’t as good. That’s why i never bought it. Never played Double Dash for the Gamecube either.

Oh and Conker’s Bad Fur Day! The N64’s swan song. Best game ever next to Mario 64. Didn’t that game cost like 89 bucks or something ridiculous like that? (and people are complaining about next gen [PS3, 360] games costing 59 bucks… psssh) I never did finish Conker. I got stuck about 8 hours into it. I think i restart the game since it’s been quite a while since i last played it. I can’t even remember where i left off or what i’m supposed to do anymore.

The fun machine indeed.